Lecture 7c - Attraction Disclosure

PS28A:

PS28A Interpersonal Attraction & Close Relationship

Communication & Relational Dynamics:

Communication & Relational Dynamics For communication to have meaning it must have a life. It must transcend “you” and “me” and become “us” … In a small way, we then grow out of our old selves and become something new (Hugh Prather)

We intend to Cover::

We intend to Cover: Definition Reasons for Close Relationships Factors that Influence and Block Attraction Self Disclosure in Relationships The Five Love Language by Gary Chapman

Definition - Attraction:

Definition - Attraction Interpersonal Attraction is defined as the evaluation one person makes of another along a dimension that ranges from strong liking to strong dislike (Baron & Byrne, 2000)

What are the Reason for Building Close Relationships?:

What are the Reason for Building Close Relationships?

Reasons for Building Close Relationships :

Reasons for Building Close Relationships The need for affiliation – a desire to establish and maintain relationships with others (Wong & Csikzentimihalyi, 1991) - the fundamental factor underlying our interpersonal relationships Some people have a higher need for affiliation than others and these individuals tend to seek the company of friends and acquaintances or place themselves in settings where social interaction is likely. While others value periods of solitude.

Reasons for Building Close Relationships :

Reasons for Building Close Relationships Affiliation provides Emotional support Attention – consideration and care received Opportunity - to evaluate the appropriateness of our opinions and behaviours through the process of social comparison

Reasons for Building Close Relationships:

Reasons for Building Close Relationships The need for intimacy - a desire for close and affectionate relationships in which personal information is disclosed and sharing occurs (McAdams, 1982) Intimacy with friends and lovers involves sharing and disclosing personal information

Dimensions of Intimacy:

Dimensions of Intimacy Intimacy has several dimensions including: Physical Intellectual Emotional

Dimensions of Intimacy:

Dimensions of Intimacy Physical One example is the relationship between a fetus and its mother. At this stage the unborn child develops a closeness with its mothers and at birth it continues – breast feeding, bathing, constantly held and hugged. Other examples?

Dimensions of Intimacy:

Dimensions of Intimacy Intellectual Intimacy This takes place when one person engages another in an exchange of important ideas. Through this exchange, a powerful and exciting bonding/closeness can develop.

Dimensions of Intimacy:

Dimensions of Intimacy Emotional Intimacy Involves the sharing of important feelings (self disclosure). Sharing personal information (face-to-face or otherwise) can both reflect and create feelings of closeness. Is it possible to experience emotional intimacy from our “chat room” encounters?

Dimensions of Intimacy:

Dimensions of Intimacy A Fourth Dimension – Shared Activities Though in and of itself “shared activity” does not lead to closeness, it must exist for closeness to take place.. And therefore cannot be ignored. When partners spend time together, they can develop unique ways of relating that transform the relationship from an impersonal one to a personal one.

What are the Factors that Influence Attraction?:

What are the Factors that Influence Attraction?

Factors That Influence Attraction:

Factors That Influence Attraction Affect/Emotions/Feelings Positive feelings lead to positive evaluation of others, while negative feelings lead to negative evaluation of others (Dovidio et al., 1995)

Factors That Influence Attraction:

Factors That Influence Attraction Physical Proximity Propinquity, physical proximity or physical immediacy is an important determinant of attraction, especially at the beginning of a relationship. It facilitates: Familiarity: constant exposure to the person Opportunity for interaction: increase chance for attraction

Factors That Influence Attraction:

Factors That Influence Attraction Similarity Similarity in attitudes, beliefs, interests, personality and even physical appearance strongly influences the likelihood of interpersonal attraction, not in number of similar attitudes but the proportion and importance of similar attitudes.

Factors That Influence Attraction:

Factors That Influence Attraction Complementarity When each partner’s characteristics satisfy the other’s needs (opposites attract). Example, partners agree that one will exercise control over certain areas (money) and the other will take the lead in different ones (house décor)

Factors That Influence Attraction:

Factors That Influence Attraction Competence We like to be around those who are skilled, talented, or intelligent, probably because we hope display their level of talent, have their skill.

Factors That Influence Attraction:

Factors That Influence Attraction Physical Attractiveness Research shows that we find physical attractive people more appealing than unattractive people, at least on initial contact (Eagly, et al 1991). Dimensions of Physical Attractiveness Facial expression : facially attractive people are seen (perceived as warm, honest) Physique : we hold notions of which bodily attributes are attractive

Factors That Influence Attraction:

Factors That Influence Attraction Reciprocal Attraction We are attracted to people who we believe are attracted to us R eciprocal liking builds attractiveness and people who approve of us bolster our feelings of self esteem. Conversely, there are people who you don’t like who likes you (and vice versa). What could cause that?

Factors That Influence Attraction:

Factors That Influence Attraction Disclosure Revealing important information about yourself gives another the opportunity to how similar you are, which can build liking. Not all disclosure leads to liking. If sharing is poorly timed, results can be negative.

What Emotional Factor May Block Attraction?:

What Emotional Factor May Block Attraction?

Emotions that block us from forming relationships:

Emotions that block us from forming relationships Loneliness A psychological state that results when we perceive a discrepancy between what we want and what we actually get from our relationships (Peplau & Perlman, 1982). It is a subjective experience and not dependent on the number of people we have surrounding us. Those who experience lifelong loneliness many a times lack very basic social skills and therefore have difficulty forming relationships; hence, the lifestyle of loneliness.

Emotions that block us from forming relationships:

Emotions that block us from forming relationships Social Anxiety Is a feeling of discomfort that arises from a person’s expectations of negative encounters with others (Leary, 1983). Tendencies include: sensitivity and fearfulness of disapproval, criticism and anxiety itself Foresee negative outcomes to anticipated social interactions, which arouses anxiety Strong tendency to perceive and respond to criticism that does not exist. Unpredictability of anxiety response.

Self Disclosure in Relationships:

Self Disclosure in Relationships

Self Disclosure in Relationships:

Self Disclosure in Relationships Degrees of Self Disclosure Depending on the breadth and depth of information shared, a relationship can be defined as casual or intimate. Breadth of information given – the range of subjects covered Depth of information given – the shift from relatively non-revealing messages to more personal ones

Reasons for Self-Disclosure:

Reasons for Self-Disclosure Self clarification Sometimes you clarify your beliefs, opinions, thoughts, feelings and attitudes by talking about them with another

Reasons for Self-Disclosure:

Reasons for Self-Disclosure Catharsis You self disclose “to get it off your chest”. In a moment of candor you might reveal your regrets for behaving so badly in the past

Reasons for Self-Disclosure:

Reasons for Self-Disclosure Relationship Maintenance Research shows a strong relationship between the quality of self disclosure and marital satisfaction (Fincham & Bradbury, 1989)

Reasons for Self-Disclosure:

Reasons for Self-Disclosure Reciprocity You may choose to disclose information about yourself to encourage another person to do so – but do this responsibly as the other may not follow suit.

Guidelines for Self Disclosure:

Guidelines for Self Disclosure Is the other person important to you Is the person someone you have an ongoing relationship with so sharing will deepen this relationship; or is it someone you relate to on a less personal level but you see a chance for it to grow closer – disclosing may be the path to develop that personal relationship

Guidelines for Self Disclosure:

Guidelines for Self Disclosure Is the risk of disclosing reasonable Even if the probable results are great, opening yourself to almost certain rejection may be asking for trouble. On the other hand, knowing your partner is trustworthy and supportive makes the prospect of speaking out more reasonable.

Guidelines for Self Disclosure:

Guidelines for Self Disclosure Is the disclosure relevant to the situation at hand The kind of disclosure that is often a characteristic of highly personal relationships usually isn’t appropriate in less personal settings.

Guidelines for Self Disclosure:

Guidelines for Self Disclosure Are the amount and type of disclosure appropriate Gradual disclosure makes better relationship. Sharing too much too soon can lead to negative outcomes

Alternatives to Self Disclosure:

Alternatives to Self Disclosure Lying – reasons include to save face; avoid tension or quarrel (white lie) Equivocating – language with two or more meanings Hinting – more direct than equivocal statements; seeks to get a desired response without embarrassing the receiver

The Five Love Languages in Relationships:

The Five Love Languages in Relationships

The Five Love Language :

The Five Love Language According to Gary Chapman, a Love Language is simply understanding how to express love to your partner, special someone or child in ways that he/she can appreciate that you do love him/her. No matter how hard you try to express love in “English”, if your spouse/child/friend understands only “French”, you and your loved one will never understand how much you love each other emotionally.

The Five Love Language:

The Five Love Language Chapman purports that there there are five ways to express love emotionally Each individual has a primary love language of the five which speaks to us more deeply to us emotionally than the other four. When someone speaks my primary love language, I am drawn to that person because he or she is meeting my basic need to feel loved.

The Five Love Language:

The Five Love Language Persons can receive love through all five but an individual must receive his/her primary love language, When a person does not speak my primary love language, I will wonder whether he or she really loves me because emotionally I am not understanding that person If my primary language is expressed sufficiently, then the other four provides “icing on the cake”.

The Five Love Language:

The Five Love Language The problem is that by nature persons tend to speak their own love language, i.e. they express love to others (the receivers) in a language that would make them (the giver) feel loved. But if this is not the receiver’s love language, it will not mean to them what it would mean to the giver.

The Five Love Languages:

The Five Love Languages The Five Love Languages include : Quality Time Words of Affirmation Gifts Acts of Service Physical Touch

The Five Love Language:

The Five Love Language The problem is that by nature persons tend to speak their own love language, i.e. they express love to others (the receivers) in a language that would make them (the giver) feel loved. But if this is not the reciever’s love language, it will not mean to them what it would mean to the giver.

The Five Love Language:

The Five Love Language E.g. Peter, a divorced single said about the woman he is dating “I don’t understand her. She says she feels live I don’t love her. How could she feel unloved. Everyday I tell her that I love her. I also give her compliments daily. I tell her how pretty she is … what a good mother she is… How could she feel unloved?”

The Five Love Language:

The Five Love Language E.g. con’t The problem is her (Peter’s ex) love language is acts of service, not words of affirmation. She is thinking: “If he loved me, he would do something to help me. When he comes over, he watches television while I wash the dishes. He never helps with anything. I’m sick of his words “I love you”. Words are cheap. If he really loved me, he would do something. I do everything for him; he does nothing for me.

The Five Love Language:

The Five Love Language Application of the Five Love languages Parents – some persons do not feel loved by their parents, not because their parents do not love them but because the parent never spoke the child’s primary love language Work – many persons have been unsuccessful in their vocational ambition, not because they lack the skills to perform their job but because they have never learned how to express appreciation to those who work with them

The Five Love Language:

The Five Love Language Application of the Five Love languages Work (con’t) – consequently relationships become strained and productivity is hampered often leading them to seek other jobs or being asked to seek another job. Friendships – Others are frustrated by long-term friendships in which they or their friends feel unloved or unappreciated and struggle to better understand each other.

Words of Affirmation:

Words of Affirmation Verbal affirmation includes expressing words of appreciation for, encouragement to, gratitude to and confidence in the person to whom you are affirming.

Words of Affirmation:

Words of Affirmation Words of appreciation – expressing sincere gratitude for some act of service rendered. For e.g. At work – “thanks for taking that phone call. I really did not have the time to deal with that client and you handled it well”

Words of Affirmation:

Words of Affirmation Words of praise – recognizing someone’s accomplishment. To a greater or lesser degree all of us are achievers and when we accomplish a goal we like to be recognized Kind Words – this has to do with what we say and the manner in which we say it. Sometimes our words mean one thing but our tone of voice can convey something quite the opposite

Quality Time:

Quality Time The central aspect of quality time is “togetherness” – how much time you make yourself available for another. This does not mean proximity. (Two persons sitting in the same room are in close proximity but they are not together).

Quality Time:

Quality Time Togetherness refers to “focused attention”. It is giving someone your undivided attention. Ways to have quality time include having quality conversations – talking and listening. That is, sharing and receiving feedback from the other

Quality Time:

Quality Time The central aspect of quality time is “togetherness” – how much time you make yourself available for another. This does not mean proximity. (Two persons sitting in the same room are in close proximity but they are not together).

Quality Time:

Quality Time Talking – “not talking enough” is a often heard complaint between couples and friends. This problem can be resolved by learning to be in touch with one’s thoughts, emotions & desires, to get in touch with what one is experiencing daily then verbalize these first to one self, then to others.

Quality Time:

Quality Time Listening – engage in sympathetic listening will aid in understanding the other person. It involves dropping all defenses in order to learn what the other person is saying and feeling, without making assumptions. Ways to listen: Maintain eye contact Do not engage in other activities while you are listening Listen for feelings Observe body language Refuse to interrupt Express understanding

Gifts:

Gifts A gift is a tangible object that says “I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have this”. By its very nature, a gift is not payment for services rendered, to smooth ruffled feathers or an effort to cover over past failures. It is given without any strings attached, or it ceases to be a gift

Gifts:

Gifts Gifts can be given in recognition of an anniversary, birthday or special day event. Speaking this language requires the giver to to learn of the person’s interests and to be sensitive to the nature of some gifts.

Acts of Service:

Acts of Service Serving others is one of the fundamental languages of love. In each vocation, those who truly excel have a genuine desire to serve others: Notable Physicians – view their vocation as a call to serve the sick and the diseased Great Politicians – see themselves as public servants Educators – get great gain in seeing students reach their highest potential

Acts of Service:

Acts of Service Examples of acts of service include helping someone with a flat tire; purchasing grocery for a friend; doing repairs around the house; showing someone how to use a software; to name a few. It is a way of expressing a sense of responsibility for the well being of others.

Acts of Service:

Acts of Service Serving others is one of the fundamental languages of love. In each vocation, those who truly excel have a genuine desire to serve others: Notable Physicians – view their vocation as a call to serve the sick and the diseased Great Politicians – see themselves as public servants Educators – get great gain in seeing students reach their highest potential

The Five Love Languages – Physical Touch:

The Five Love Languages – Physical Touch “To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally”. Love touches may be: A hug A squeeze A back rub Climbing in mommy’s/daddy’s lap Knee brushing; Holding hands A kiss

Discover Your Primary Love Language:

Discover Your Primary Love Language Ask yourself three questions How do I often express love to other people? What do I complain about most often? What do I request most often?

Discover Your Primary Love Language:

Discover Your Primary Love Language How do I often express love to other people? If you regularly express words of appreciation, affirmation and love to others, there is a good chance that your primary love language is Words of Affirmation If you often pat persons on the back, or touch them on the shoulder, give appropriate hugs, then it may be that Physical Touch is your primary love language You are giving to others what you would like to receive yourself

Discover Your Primary Love Language:

Discover Your Primary Love Language What do I complain about most often? Your complaints reveal your inner emotional need for love. The wife states: “We don’t ever spend enough time together anymore” What is her love language The husband: “I just don’t feel you love me anymore. If I didn’t initiate kissing you, I don’t think you would ever kiss me” What is his love language

Discover Your Primary Love Language:

Discover Your Primary Love Language What do I request most often? The child who states: “Can you bring something for me from your trip?” is requesting a gift. If your child often makes such requests she/he is revealing that “Gifts” is his/her primary love language

Discover the Love Language:

Discover the Love Language What is your love language? What is the love language of your spouse? What is the love language of each child? What is the love language of your close/intimate friends?