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Anatomical Artists Fish Songs Assorted Hourly Chimes Ill-Worded Marriage Proposals Songs To Do Drugs By Sordid Similes Songs the Queen Likes to Sing in the Shower Dr. Zeus’ Medical Files Insults From Around The World Songs to Excrete By Ten Reasons a Nice Cheese is Better Than a Woman Terrorists of the Animal Kingdom Bird Songs Odd Rellies Operas, etc, Which Never Made It People Who Only Made History After Changing Their Names Things I’m Disappointed With Things Not To Do At A Funeral To Which the Flesh is Heir The Ten Commandments - Moses' First Draft Jesus: The Lost Years Famous Quotes: Their First Drafts Prosthetic Songs Insect Songs Back to The Doctor’s front pageAnatomical Artists: Urethra Franklin Lynyrd Skin Hard Manhattan Transplant Clit Richards Geriatric & the Pacemakers The Captain & Toenail Shin Aid O’Connor Pelvis Presley Thigh-man & Garfunkle Otitis Redding Celine Duodenum Callus Zamfir (pancreas pipes) Roberta Flap Cilia Black Carly’s Hymen Cataract Stevens Christine Anus New Kidneys on the Block In Neck Ces Englebert Hump The Rolling Gallstones Elbow John Little Liver Band Whit Knee Houston Belly Joel Bone Jovi Bet Midriff Patella Clark Jimi Cervix Reg Liver More Crowded Arse James Gallbladder Deltoid Goodrem Fleetwood Sack Paul Ankle Manfred’s Manhood Her Mons Hermits Anatomical ArtistsFish Songs (for coral arrangement): Fish Songs (for coral arrangement) Curiosity Killed the Catfish School’s Out For Summer Another Pleasant Trevally Sunday Winkle Winkle Little Starfish Love Poisson Number Nine Unchained Mulloway I Don’t Know How to Love Bream I Want to Weigh Carp With You Mackerel the Knife I’m Dreaming of a Whiting Christmas Barramundi Monday Goldfingerling Wild, Wild Seahorses Heart and Sole Genie with the Light Brown Herring My Guppy Runneth Over You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lou Seal Puff the Weedy Sea-Dragon You Are the Sunfish of my Life Starfish-Crossed Lovers Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat The Green, Green Wrasse of Home Tie a Yellowfin Tuna ‘Round the Old Oak Tree Sexual Eeling Ave Marinara If I Had a Haddock The Moray See You, Remora Want You Leader of the Pike Little Ray of Sunshine Mullet of Kintyre The Hippie Hippie Sharks Somewhere Over the Rainbow Trout This is Not a Guppy, Love Where Have All the Flounders Gone? The Tides They Are a-Changing Blenny and the Jets That’s a Moray Assorted Hourly Chimes: Assorted Hourly Chimes Hippie “Hey, you wouldn’t believe it’s ten, eh!” Nazi “Anyvone who disagrees it is ten o’clock, step forvard!” Yiddish “Ten o’clock, it is, and still your neglected mother sits waiting for her call.” Existentialist “One could postulate now’s ten-o’clockness, but the moment has passed.” Quantum-Relativistic “Either it’s approximately ten o’clock and we’re exactly here, or it’s exactly ten o’clock and we’re only approximately here.” Socialist “The decadent hour of nine has been overthrown; hail ten o’clock!” Capitalist “All statements relating to the hour of nine as a going concern are now void.” Aussie “Yeh no it’s ten, mate, but 9:30’s a bit of an underdog, we should give ‘im another go I reckon.” Kiwi “Tin o’clock, bro’, heaps of time.” Christian “Ten o’clock, and any minute now.” Moslem “It is ten o’clock, 1400 years ago.” Freudian “It is tiny o’cock. No, you imagined I said that.” Royal “Have one of the maids tell you it’s ten o’clock.” American “It’s ten o’clock all over the world.”Ill-Worded Marriage Proposals: Ill-Worded Marriage Proposals My darling, I cannot imagine my life without you; help my lack of imagination and marry me! Please do not condemn to bastardry all my offspring I would have you bear: marry me sweetheart! You know no-one else could love you – be my wife! Darling, your answer to this question will greatly influence how you feature in my autobiography… I would be willing to settle for you, to give you an opportunity to marry upward, and I take your silence as grateful acceptance. Would you do me the honour of allowing me to make you the most grateful woman in the world? I would like to ask for your hand, with the housework, and in marriage. Songs To Do Drugs By: Songs To Do Drugs By Speed Goes Up My Rosemary’s Nose Smoke Gets In Your Eyes I Get My Kicks Out Of View There’s a Kind of Hash Little Sir Ecca Für Elise D Crack ‘n Rosie I Am, Ice Head Melting Pot Que Syringe Syringe I am 16 Going On 70Sordid Similes : Sordid Similes Sick as the U-bend in a bulimic's basin Full as a bulimic's handbag Quiet as the outpatients ward at the morgue Surprised as a burns victim completing a blind date Bored as a stump full of woodworm Happy as a dick in a broken condom Angry as a blind pimple Quick as a root in a lift Filthy as a fistful of phlegm Hung like the National Gallery Busy as a dungbeetle in a shitfight Lost as a Pommie in a bathtub Wet as a blind man’s dunny Obscure as a fat woman’s fanny Funny as a fanny fart Brown as a bungee jumper’s undies Unwanted as a booger on a bedspread Fit as a Grand Mal Broke as a fat bloke’s chair Shocked as a frog in a toaster Flat as a slow cockroach Rough as a sandy bumfuck Songs the Queen Likes to Sing in the Shower: Songs the Queen Likes to Sing in the Shower One’s Cherie Amour Dancing Queen One is Woman One Has a Loverly Bunch of Coconuts Black Betty Union Jack Flash (“One was born, in a crossfire hurricane…”) Ten Princesses Sitting on the Wall Someone Over Thee Reigns, Bow One Did it One’s Way The Windsor Takes it All Send in the Crowns One’s Never Been to One One and You and a Corgi Named Boo Frosty Uncle Snowden They’re Coming to Take One Away, Ha HA House of the Tiresome Son Do That to One One More Time Prince Phillip’s Shower Songs (far fewer showers) Ah Shuddup-a You Face I Who Have Nothing Nowhere ManDr. Zeus’ Medical Files: Dr. Zeus’ Medical Files Thor – electrocution Neptune – swimmer’s ear Cyclops – problems with depth perception Achilles – heel trouble Medusa – snake bite Oedipus – genitalia removed in family row Centaur – foot rot, bloat Colossus – glandular/hormonal Phoenix – burns Gorgon Lady – complications following facelift Pan – R.S.I. in fingers Terpsichore – mania, hyperkinesis Dionysus – alcoholic poisoning Cupid – archer’s elbow Pygmalion – severe psychotic break, genital abrasions Midas – heavy metal poisoning Odysseus – travel sickness Ceres – uterine trauma (misuse of cornucopia) Pandora – chest congestion Minotaur – anger management issues Icarus – inadequate sun protectionInsults From Around The World: Insults From Around The World May a herd of gnus poo in your shoes. – South Africa How few are your household’s swine! – New Guinea Your sampan is full of idiots. – Thailand Your wife’s neck length is insufficient for using both hands. – Congo Your wife has gone the way of the walrus. – Eskimo Your clogs smell like a French cheese. – Holland Your cheese smells like a Dutch clog. – France Capitalist pig! – U.S.A. Backward socialist! - Russia Your mother’s lower lip barely covers her chin. - KenyaSongs to Excrete By: Songs to Excrete By When Urine Love The Sound of Mucus Smeg Gets In Your Eyes The First Time Ever I Saw Your Faex Heaving on a Jet Plane Eternal Phlegm Chunder ‘Neath the Arches A Time For Pus Shittin’ at the Dock of the Bay Classical Gas I Get a Kick Out Of Spew Mend These Broken Winds Maybe It’s Because I’m a Chunderer Bye Bile Love See Ya Later ‘Jaculator Waxy Lady Do You Want to Know a Secretion? Li’l Green Pustules Amazing Grease I Got Sebum Under My Skin C’est Sebum Wee Shall Over Cum While My Catarrh Gently Weeps Blame It On The Boogie I Wanna Hold Your Gland Sweat Caroline What Kind of Drool Am I? I’m Gonna Bog on Your Door, Spit on Your Bell Blowin’ Out The Wind Ten Reasons a Nice Cheese is Better Than a Woman: Ten Reasons a Nice Cheese is Better Than a Woman Cheeses are slightly less binding Blue veins can enhance the appeal of a cheese A cheesy odour is satisfactorily explained when in a cheese’s presence “Singles” are not reject cheeses A cheese being a little tart won’t give you a disease Often two cheeses you like go well together “Mature” cheeses are not past their use-by date It never occurs to a cheese that it wants to have little cheezles Cheese can be had with or without wine Cheese sticks to the dishes after dinner without interrupting TVTerrorists of the Animal Kingdom: Terrorists of the Animal Kingdom Atilla the Honeybee Vlad the Impala Osama Bunny Laden Dick Terrapin Long John Silverback Lee Harvey Walrus Adolphin Hitler Nelson Mandrilla Jack the Russel Froggy Kreuger Alexander the Great Bearded Tit Sweeney Todd the Barbary Ape Cone Shell the Barbarian Jaguar-varra Fiddlercrab CastroBird Songs: Bird Songs To Everything, Tern, Tern, Tern When the Starlings Begin to Fall Drag the Magic Puffin Magpie’s Farm If I Should Ever Emu I’ll Be Your Booby Tonight God Bless the Prince of Quails Kingfisher of Nothing Buddy, Can You Sparrow a Dime? A Touch of Parrot Eyes Silence is Golden (Finch) Hawk Come, All Ye Faithful Dove is In The Air The Gull From Ipanema You Ain’t Seen Puffin Yet This Ol’ Grouse He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Plover Cockatiels for Toucan You Took the Words Right Out of my Tawny Frogmouth Pea-hen the Beguine Bridge Over Troubled Waterfowl Send In the Loons Bad Loon Rising Shag, Rattle and Roll Lark Lomond ...and anything else played in a mynor key. Odd Rellies: Odd Rellies Uncle Uttered – neat freak Aunty Diluvian – very old fashioned Aunty Climax – always forgets the punchline Uncle Ian – leper Uncle Oathed – nudist Uncle Ad – ditto Aunty Pasta – hard and snappy at first Uncle Ear – rather vague Uncle Eaved – the only butcher with 10 fingers Uncle Enched – quadriplegic Gran Mal – epileptic Granpa Raid – Mardi Gras queen Granny Smith – full of worms Uncle Aimed – rides the baggage carousel at airports Aunty Up – card shark Gran Ted – who they all feel taken for Uncle Ass-Conscious – boasts of once having said “hello” to maid Aunty Pathy – never a nice word to say about anyone Aunty Disestablishmentarianism – verbose Aunty Lockbrakingsystem – tries to avoid leaving skidmarks Aunty Natal – always the midwife, never the wife Aunty Abortionlobby – dogmatic, fails to see the bigger picture Uncle Oystered – outed monk Uncle Ipped – has never trimmed his nails Uncle Apsed – has permanent erection Gran Ules – fell into coffee grinder Productions Which Never Made It: Productions Which Never Made It Swandiving in Lake – the story of one man’s quest to find quadriplegia The Battered Bride – a wedding where everything goes wrong Porking and Bestiality – a touching portrait of rural life in America H.M.S. Pina Colada – G&S try their hand at reggae, to ill effect Wriggletto – a tiny worm’s journey from garden to fish hook The Nut Cracker – story of tycoon in eunuch trade, doesn’t lend itself to ballet The Barber of Chernobyl – tragic tale of business dwindling due to balding clientele Comatose Beauty – a very sick Tchaikowski takes things way too far Deflater Mouse – a spate of flat tyres has a village up in arms Pyrites of Penzance – a group of sailors risks everything for fools gold Fausty – a deal is made with the devil to rid a house of damp flannel smells The MacArdo – set in feudal Scotland, the bagpipe score lets it down Phantom of the Operation – a haunted surgical theatre has everyone in stitches Madame Butterfingers – a palsied geisha becomes a danger to others The Ring – 5 hours of humorous ringtones; Wagner really scraping for ideas here West Side, 38th Storey – ‘Flying High’ meets ‘Towering Inferno’ in this 9/11 romp Cat’s – an ill-placed apostrophe kept audiences well away The Marriage of Fingered Rose – can she be digitally remastered?People Who Only Made HistoryAfter Changing Their Names: People Who Only Made History After Changing Their Names Fred Christ Bluey the Baptist Doug da Vinci Dudley Caesar Rambo Schweitzer Fritz the Hun Dicky Bonaparte Billy-Joe Einstein Cheryl of Bingham Narelle of Arc Noel the Conqueror Ricky Raleigh Cletus Columbus Richard Coeur de LemmingThings I’m Disappointed With: Things I’m Disappointed With Thanksgiving turkey – bought it one week ago, still waiting to be thanked. No More Tears shampoo – find I am as lachrymose as ever, if not more. Golden Retriever – good at sticks, has yet to retrieve anything remotely golden. Margarine – I can believe it’s not butter. Sausage dogs – quite unpalatable. Goldfish – apparently only worth their weight in fish. TV dinners – pointless anywhere outside ratings season. Miracle whiteners – whites are whiter, but Pope refuses to canonise me. The human race – we won it hands down, but the losers keep whinging about oppression. Automatic typewriter – still has not typed a single word. Digital cameras – digital? What else would you operate them with? Ocky straps – most disappointing – nothing like calamari. Urinal cakes – the whole packet was given a wide berth on the Christmas table. Toothpaste – passers-by still seem less than dazzled. Tampons – only slightly more carefree, no matter how many I smoke.Things Not To Do At A Funeral: Things Not To Do At A Funeral Repeatedly lift coffin lid and shout “PORF!” Sign casket with sarcastic quip Stub out cigar on headstone Snort derisively during eulogy Startle pallbearers with ventriloquism Harangue mourners with existential bleakness Whistle while coffin being lowered Boast about one’s own “close calls” Attach tin cans to hearse with sign “JUST CARKED IT” To Which the Flesh is Heir: To Which the Flesh is Heir The Ten Commandments: The Ten Commandments Moses’ First Draft? Archaeologists were stunned to find, beneath a pile of rocks on Mt. Sinai, an ancient stone tablet with chiseled inscriptions. It appears to be Moses’ first draft of the Ten Commandments, and if it is so, provides unique insight into Moses’ desperate and inept struggle to bring law and order to his frustrated band of wanderers seeking The Promised Land. Finders keepers Losers weepers (we note this is a separate and specific provision) Don’t run with scissors sinners Mind your mannas He who smelt it will be deemed to have dealt it Don’t make jokes about smelly feet God The Ark of the Covenant is NOT a toilet No peaknuckle in the Tabernacle The next person who hums The Theme from Exodus shall be slain No, and I won’t say this again, WE ARE NOT THERE YET! Jesus: The Lost Years: Jesus: The Lost Years A.D. 16 – Cashes in his gold, frankincense and myrrh for imported sports-camel. A.D. 17 – Barefoot surfing in Africa. A.D. 18 – Effortless ascent to summit of Everest; make base camp there. Summer of A.D. 19 – Galilee Beach: turning tricks in fishnets. A.D. 20 – Forms rock band ‘The Scarabs’. A.D. 21 – Meets Mary Magdalene (q.v. ‘the first Yoko’); Scarabs descend into self- indulgent Gospel band. A.D. 22 – Opens shoe repair kiosk in Jerusalem, becomes famous for everlasting soles. A.D. 23 – Starts healing lame behind kiosk, quickly doubles his trade. A.D. 24 – Invests entire kiosk fortune in 25,000 barrels of water. A.D. 25 – Makes a killing selling 25,000 barrels of wine. A.D. 26 – Opens fish cafe with seating for multitudes, successful beyond belief. A.D. 27 – Cafe closed by Health Dept. when discovered fish of uncertain origin. A.D. 28 – Flees to freaked out cousin J.T. Baptist in mountains (“I came for the fresh air, I stay for the locusts”). A.D. 29 – Whacky J.T. helps Jesus re-invent himself, and a plan is sketched out for the next four years. How that turned out is well known. -----------------------------------------Famous Quotes: Their First Drafts: Famous Quotes: Their First Drafts One small step for a man, but bloody hard in this spacesuit! I came, I saw, I played conkers. Ah have a DREAM, a RECURRIN’ dream, ‘bout gettin SHOT! I am the way, the truth, and the light snack at Communion. We will fight them on the beaches, on the sand dunes, in the little rock pools... A horse! A horse! I could eat a fuckin’ horse! ‘All men are created’ equals nonsense. Beam me up, I need a cuddle Scotty! Ask not what your country can do for you: ask what the whole world can do for you. I did but see her passing by, but I cracked a fat a mile high. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, ask who let out Quasi Modo. Prosthetic Songs: Prosthetic Songs Pegleg Sue Me and Stumpy McGee Oh Wooden Tit Be Lovely Penny Lame Ebony Eyes Whack a Nail in My Shoes Bits and Pieces I Wanna Have Your Hand She Chose Bette Davis Eyes Isn’t It Bionic?Insect Songs: Insect Songs Dreadlock Holiday (I don’t like crickets, ah...) Teach Me How To, Fly Let It, Bee (Are you going to) Scarab Affair The National Antem My Angel Is a Centipede This Ol’ Louse Arkansas Grasshopper Dream Larva I Can’t Go For GnatThis concludes your session with lists.Would you like to:: This concludes your session with lists. 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