Index to ListsWith some Django?: Index to Lists With some Django? Anatomical Artists
Assorted Hourly Chimes
Ill-Worded Marriage Proposals
Songs To Do Drugs By
Songs the Queen Likes to Sing in the Shower
Dr. Zeus’ Medical Files
Insults From Around The World
Songs to Excrete By
Ten Reasons a Nice Cheese is Better Than a Woman
Terrorists of the Animal Kingdom
Operas, etc, Which Never Made It
People Who Only Made History After Changing Their Names
Things I’m Disappointed With
Things Not To Do At A Funeral
To Which the Flesh is Heir
The Ten Commandments - Moses' First Draft
Jesus: The Lost Years
Famous Quotes: Their First Drafts
Back to The Doctor’s front page Anatomical Artists: Urethra Franklin
Lynyrd Skin Hard
Geriatric & the Pacemakers
The Captain & Toenail
Shin Aid O’Connor
Thigh-man & Garfunkle
Callus Zamfir (pancreas pipes)
New Kidneys on the Block
In Neck Ces Englebert Hump
The Rolling Gallstones
Little Liver Band
Whit Knee Houston
Reg Liver More
Her Mons Hermits Anatomical Artists Fish Songs (for coral arrangement): Fish Songs (for coral arrangement) Curiosity Killed the Catfish School’s Out For Summer Another Pleasant Trevally Sunday Winkle Winkle Little Starfish Love Poisson Number Nine Unchained Mulloway I Don’t Know How to Love Bream I Want to Weigh Carp With You Mackerel the Knife I’m Dreaming of a Whiting Christmas Barramundi Monday Goldfingerling Wild, Wild Seahorses Heart and Sole Genie with the Light Brown Herring My Guppy Runneth Over
You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lou Seal Puff the Weedy Sea-Dragon
You Are the Sunfish of my Life Starfish-Crossed Lovers Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat The Green, Green Wrasse of Home Tie a Yellowfin Tuna ‘Round the Old Oak Tree Sexual Eeling Ave Marinara If I Had a Haddock The Moray See You, Remora Want You Leader of the Pike Little Ray of Sunshine Mullet of Kintyre The Hippie Hippie Sharks Somewhere Over the Rainbow Trout This is Not a Guppy, Love Where Have All the Flounders Gone? The Tides They Are a-Changing
Blenny and the Jets
That’s a Moray
Assorted Hourly Chimes: Assorted Hourly Chimes
“Hey, you wouldn’t believe it’s ten, eh!”
“Anyvone who disagrees it is ten o’clock, step forvard!”
“Ten o’clock, it is, and still your neglected mother sits waiting for her call.”
“One could postulate now’s ten-o’clockness, but the moment has passed.”
“Either it’s approximately ten o’clock and we’re exactly here, or it’s exactly ten o’clock and we’re only approximately here.”
“The decadent hour of nine has been overthrown; hail ten o’clock!”
“All statements relating to the hour of nine as a going concern are now void.”
“Yeh no it’s ten, mate, but 9:30’s a bit of an underdog, we should give ‘im another go I reckon.”
“Tin o’clock, bro’, heaps of time.”
“Ten o’clock, and any minute now.”
“It is ten o’clock, 1400 years ago.”
“It is tiny o’cock. No, you imagined I said that.”
“Have one of the maids tell you it’s ten o’clock.”
“It’s ten o’clock all over the world.” Ill-Worded Marriage Proposals: Ill-Worded Marriage Proposals
My darling, I cannot imagine my life without you; help my lack of imagination and marry me!
Please do not condemn to bastardry all my offspring I would have you bear: marry me sweetheart!
You know no-one else could love you – be my wife!
Darling, your answer to this question will greatly influence how you feature in my autobiography…
I would be willing to settle for you, to give you an opportunity to marry upward, and I take your silence as grateful acceptance.
Would you do me the honour of allowing me to make you the most grateful woman in the world?
I would like to ask for your hand, with the housework, and in marriage.
Songs To Do Drugs By: Songs To Do Drugs By
Speed Goes Up My Rosemary’s Nose
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
I Get My Kicks Out Of View
There’s a Kind of Hash
Little Sir Ecca
Für Elise D
Crack ‘n Rosie
I Am, Ice Head
Que Syringe Syringe
I am 16 Going On 70 Sordid Similes : Sordid Similes Sick as the U-bend in a bulimic's basin
Full as a bulimic's handbag
Quiet as the outpatients ward at the morgue
Surprised as a burns victim completing a blind date
Bored as a stump full of woodworm
Happy as a dick in a broken condom
Angry as a blind pimple
Quick as a root in a lift
Filthy as a fistful of phlegm
Hung like the National Gallery
Busy as a dungbeetle in a shitfight
Lost as a Pommie in a bathtub
Wet as a blind man’s dunny
Obscure as a fat woman’s fanny
Funny as a fanny fart
Brown as a bungee jumper’s undies
Unwanted as a booger on a bedspread
Fit as a Grand Mal
Broke as a fat bloke’s chair
Shocked as a frog in a toaster
Flat as a slow cockroach
Rough as a sandy bumfuck
Songs the Queen Likes to Sing in the Shower: Songs the Queen Likes to Sing in the Shower
One’s Cherie Amour
One is Woman
One Has a Loverly Bunch of Coconuts
Union Jack Flash (“One was born, in a crossfire hurricane…”)
Ten Princesses Sitting on the Wall
Someone Over Thee Reigns, Bow
One Did it One’s Way
The Windsor Takes it All
Send in the Crowns
One’s Never Been to One
One and You and a Corgi Named Boo
Frosty Uncle Snowden
They’re Coming to Take One Away, Ha HA
House of the Tiresome Son
Do That to One One More Time
Prince Phillip’s Shower Songs (far fewer showers)
Ah Shuddup-a You Face
I Who Have Nothing
Nowhere Man Dr. Zeus’ Medical Files: Dr. Zeus’ Medical Files
Thor – electrocution
Neptune – swimmer’s ear
Cyclops – problems with depth perception
Achilles – heel trouble
Medusa – snake bite
Oedipus – genitalia removed in family row
Centaur – foot rot, bloat
Colossus – glandular/hormonal
Phoenix – burns
Gorgon Lady – complications following facelift
Pan – R.S.I. in fingers
Terpsichore – mania, hyperkinesis
Dionysus – alcoholic poisoning
Cupid – archer’s elbow
Pygmalion – severe psychotic break, genital abrasions
Midas – heavy metal poisoning
Odysseus – travel sickness
Ceres – uterine trauma (misuse of cornucopia)
Pandora – chest congestion
Minotaur – anger management issues
Icarus – inadequate sun protection Insults From Around The World: Insults From Around The World
May a herd of gnus poo in your shoes. – South Africa
How few are your household’s swine! – New Guinea
Your sampan is full of idiots. – Thailand
Your wife’s neck length is insufficient for using both hands. – Congo
Your wife has gone the way of the walrus. – Eskimo
Your clogs smell like a French cheese. – Holland
Your cheese smells like a Dutch clog. – France
Capitalist pig! – U.S.A.
Backward socialist! - Russia
Your mother’s lower lip barely covers her chin. - Kenya Songs to Excrete By: Songs to Excrete By When Urine Love
The Sound of Mucus
Smeg Gets In Your Eyes
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Faex
Heaving on a Jet Plane
Chunder ‘Neath the Arches
A Time For Pus
Shittin’ at the Dock of the Bay
I Get a Kick Out Of Spew
Mend These Broken Winds
Maybe It’s Because I’m a Chunderer
Bye Bile Love
See Ya Later ‘Jaculator Waxy Lady
Do You Want to Know a Secretion?
Li’l Green Pustules
I Got Sebum Under My Skin
Wee Shall Over Cum
While My Catarrh Gently Weeps
Blame It On The Boogie
I Wanna Hold Your Gland
What Kind of Drool Am I?
I’m Gonna Bog on Your Door, Spit on Your Bell
Blowin’ Out The Wind
Ten Reasons a Nice Cheese is Better Than a Woman: Ten Reasons a Nice Cheese is Better Than a Woman Cheeses are slightly less binding
Blue veins can enhance the appeal of a cheese
A cheesy odour is satisfactorily explained when in a cheese’s presence
“Singles” are not reject cheeses
A cheese being a little tart won’t give you a disease
Often two cheeses you like go well together
“Mature” cheeses are not past their use-by date
It never occurs to a cheese that it wants to have little cheezles
Cheese can be had with or without wine
Cheese sticks to the dishes after dinner without interrupting TV Terrorists of the Animal Kingdom: Terrorists of the Animal Kingdom
Atilla the Honeybee
Vlad the Impala
Osama Bunny Laden
Long John Silverback
Lee Harvey Walrus
Jack the Russel
Alexander the Great Bearded Tit
Sweeney Todd the Barbary Ape
Cone Shell the Barbarian
Fiddlercrab Castro Bird Songs: Bird Songs
To Everything, Tern, Tern, Tern
When the Starlings Begin to Fall
Drag the Magic Puffin
If I Should Ever Emu
I’ll Be Your Booby Tonight
God Bless the Prince of Quails
Kingfisher of Nothing
Buddy, Can You Sparrow a Dime?
A Touch of Parrot Eyes
Silence is Golden (Finch)
Hawk Come, All Ye Faithful
Dove is In The Air
The Gull From Ipanema
You Ain’t Seen Puffin Yet
This Ol’ Grouse
He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Plover
Cockatiels for Toucan
You Took the Words Right Out of my Tawny Frogmouth
Pea-hen the Beguine
Bridge Over Troubled Waterfowl
Send In the Loons
Bad Loon Rising
Shag, Rattle and Roll
...and anything else played in a mynor key. Odd Rellies: Odd Rellies
Uncle Uttered – neat freak
Aunty Diluvian – very old fashioned
Aunty Climax – always forgets the punchline
Uncle Ian – leper
Uncle Oathed – nudist
Uncle Ad – ditto
Aunty Pasta – hard and snappy at first
Uncle Ear – rather vague
Uncle Eaved – the only butcher with 10 fingers
Uncle Enched – quadriplegic
Gran Mal – epileptic
Granpa Raid – Mardi Gras queen
Granny Smith – full of worms
Uncle Aimed – rides the baggage carousel at airports
Aunty Up – card shark
Gran Ted – who they all feel taken for
Uncle Ass-Conscious – boasts of once having said “hello” to maid
Aunty Pathy – never a nice word to say about anyone
Aunty Disestablishmentarianism – verbose
Aunty Lockbrakingsystem – tries to avoid leaving skidmarks
Aunty Natal – always the midwife, never the wife
Aunty Abortionlobby – dogmatic, fails to see the bigger picture
Uncle Oystered – outed monk
Uncle Ipped – has never trimmed his nails
Uncle Apsed – has permanent erection
Gran Ules – fell into coffee grinder
Productions Which Never Made It: Productions Which Never Made It Swandiving in Lake – the story of one man’s quest to find quadriplegia
The Battered Bride – a wedding where everything goes wrong
Porking and Bestiality – a touching portrait of rural life in America
H.M.S. Pina Colada – G&S try their hand at reggae, to ill effect
Wriggletto – a tiny worm’s journey from garden to fish hook
The Nut Cracker – story of tycoon in eunuch trade, doesn’t lend itself to ballet
The Barber of Chernobyl – tragic tale of business dwindling due to balding clientele
Comatose Beauty – a very sick Tchaikowski takes things way too far
Deflater Mouse – a spate of flat tyres has a village up in arms
Pyrites of Penzance – a group of sailors risks everything for fools gold
Fausty – a deal is made with the devil to rid a house of damp flannel smells
The MacArdo – set in feudal Scotland, the bagpipe score lets it down
Phantom of the Operation – a haunted surgical theatre has everyone in stitches
Madame Butterfingers – a palsied geisha becomes a danger to others
The Ring – 5 hours of humorous ringtones; Wagner really scraping for ideas here
West Side, 38th Storey – ‘Flying High’ meets ‘Towering Inferno’ in this 9/11 romp
Cat’s – an ill-placed apostrophe kept audiences well away
The Marriage of Fingered Rose – can she be digitally remastered? People Who Only Made HistoryAfter Changing Their Names: People Who Only Made History After Changing Their Names
Bluey the Baptist
Doug da Vinci
Fritz the Hun
Cheryl of Bingham
Narelle of Arc
Noel the Conqueror
Richard Coeur de Lemming Things I’m Disappointed With: Things I’m Disappointed With Thanksgiving turkey – bought it one week ago, still waiting to be thanked.
No More Tears shampoo – find I am as lachrymose as ever, if not more.
Golden Retriever – good at sticks, has yet to retrieve anything remotely golden.
Margarine – I can believe it’s not butter.
Sausage dogs – quite unpalatable.
Goldfish – apparently only worth their weight in fish.
TV dinners – pointless anywhere outside ratings season.
Miracle whiteners – whites are whiter, but Pope refuses to canonise me.
The human race – we won it hands down, but the losers keep whinging about oppression.
Automatic typewriter – still has not typed a single word.
Digital cameras – digital? What else would you operate them with?
Ocky straps – most disappointing – nothing like calamari.
Urinal cakes – the whole packet was given a wide berth on the Christmas table.
Toothpaste – passers-by still seem less than dazzled.
Tampons – only slightly more carefree, no matter how many I smoke. Things Not To Do At A Funeral: Things Not To Do At A Funeral
Repeatedly lift coffin lid and shout “PORF!”
Sign casket with sarcastic quip
Stub out cigar on headstone
Snort derisively during eulogy
Startle pallbearers with ventriloquism
Harangue mourners with existential bleakness
Whistle while coffin being lowered
Boast about one’s own “close calls”
Attach tin cans to hearse with sign “JUST CARKED IT”
To Which the Flesh is Heir: To Which the Flesh is Heir
The Ten Commandments: The Ten Commandments
Moses’ First Draft?
Archaeologists were stunned to find, beneath a pile of rocks on Mt. Sinai, an ancient stone tablet with chiseled inscriptions. It appears to be Moses’ first draft of the Ten Commandments, and if it is so, provides unique insight into Moses’ desperate and inept struggle to bring law and order to his frustrated band of wanderers seeking The Promised Land.
Losers weepers (we note this is a separate and specific provision)
Don’t run with scissors sinners
Mind your mannas
He who smelt it will be deemed to have dealt it
Don’t make jokes about smelly feet God
The Ark of the Covenant is NOT a toilet
No peaknuckle in the Tabernacle
The next person who hums The Theme from Exodus shall be slain
No, and I won’t say this again, WE ARE NOT THERE YET!
Jesus: The Lost Years: Jesus: The Lost Years A.D. 16 – Cashes in his gold, frankincense and myrrh for imported sports-camel.
A.D. 17 – Barefoot surfing in Africa.
A.D. 18 – Effortless ascent to summit of Everest; make base camp there.
Summer of A.D. 19 – Galilee Beach: turning tricks in fishnets.
A.D. 20 – Forms rock band ‘The Scarabs’.
A.D. 21 – Meets Mary Magdalene (q.v. ‘the first Yoko’); Scarabs descend into self- indulgent Gospel band.
A.D. 22 – Opens shoe repair kiosk in Jerusalem, becomes famous for everlasting soles.
A.D. 23 – Starts healing lame behind kiosk, quickly doubles his trade.
A.D. 24 – Invests entire kiosk fortune in 25,000 barrels of water.
A.D. 25 – Makes a killing selling 25,000 barrels of wine.
A.D. 26 – Opens fish cafe with seating for multitudes, successful beyond belief.
A.D. 27 – Cafe closed by Health Dept. when discovered fish of uncertain origin.
A.D. 28 – Flees to freaked out cousin J.T. Baptist in mountains (“I came for the fresh air, I stay for the locusts”).
A.D. 29 – Whacky J.T. helps Jesus re-invent himself, and a plan is sketched out for the next four years. How that turned out is well known.
----------------------------------------- Famous Quotes: Their First Drafts: Famous Quotes: Their First Drafts
One small step for a man, but bloody hard in this spacesuit!
I came, I saw, I played conkers.
Ah have a DREAM, a RECURRIN’ dream, ‘bout gettin SHOT!
I am the way, the truth, and the light snack at Communion.
We will fight them on the beaches, on the sand dunes, in the little rock pools...
A horse! A horse! I could eat a fuckin’ horse!
‘All men are created’ equals nonsense.
Beam me up, I need a cuddle Scotty!
Ask not what your country can do for you: ask what the whole world can do for you.
I did but see her passing by, but I cracked a fat a mile high.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, ask who let out Quasi Modo.
Prosthetic Songs: Prosthetic Songs
Me and Stumpy McGee
Oh Wooden Tit Be Lovely
Whack a Nail in My Shoes
Bits and Pieces
I Wanna Have Your Hand
She Chose Bette Davis Eyes
Isn’t It Bionic? Insect Songs: Insect Songs
Dreadlock Holiday (I don’t like crickets, ah...)
Teach Me How To, Fly
Let It, Bee
(Are you going to) Scarab Affair
The National Antem
My Angel Is a Centipede
This Ol’ Louse
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