Desi-Pun (2010 Book) - Freelance Talents

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Short stories with Indian backdrops by mohit trendster


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Desi –Pun Yo Pun Intended Almost 25 Indiastic Short Stories Mohit Sharma Trendster

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Intro There are quite a few synonyms of “Contrast” like Dissimilarity Variation Gap Difference Divergence Unlikeness and Disparity etc. I want to add one more word in this list “India”. This crazy country is beautiful vibrant deep. When you think that you know a lot about India it presents some new permutation combination leading to countless invisible probabilities. These ‘punny’ stories attempt to cover few related yet contrasting aspects present in India. I wrote many write-ups during my school graduation years I have quite a few promising ideas in my rugged jhola. I will continue to explore India write on imperative aspects related to Bharat. I would like to thank my friends teachers colleagues in UPES - Dehradun Lucknow Christian Degree College IGNOU Rani Laxmi Bai Memorial School NGOs. My virtual yet powerful people on Indian Comics Communities Storywrite Website Allpoetry Website Blogger Website MRAs etc. Thanks for being so efficient so willing to help in all occasions. The last thank you goes to my family for everything Mohit Sharma – Facebook Page : - Official Blog :

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– Twitter : – Creative Databases: – Yasni – Search Engine Terms/Keywords – Mohit Trendster Mohitness Trendy Baba Freelance Talents Trendster Zehen 421 Brand Beedi Federation Indian Comics Fandom. © Mohit Sharma 2011 All rights reserved.

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1 - Sorry Smt. Maneka Gandhi ji Who are these people Animal Rights Activists Why People working on behalf of others without payment for their time and services. Animal rights also referred to as animal liberation is the idea that the most basic interests of non-human animals should be afforded the same consideration as the similar interests of human beings. Why This is super socialism. They are spending billions on animals when hundreds of people in my mega slum die annually. I am struggling for all the basic necessities like food water shelter clothing then why should I adopt a dog I know how to read and write but I am not listening to them and I don’t want their pictorial pamphlets. They say we are brainwashed….I don’t understand their logics and statistics. Maybe they are right but we are hungry Away from my slum in this dark cold night I was feeling very sad and frightened at the same time. I had never committed a murder before but today I had do so in order to save our lives. I didnt want to ruin my life just for this tiny little stupid thing. I had made up my mind. I would murder him in the dead of night and no one would ever know what happened to him. I was looking forward to a very happy life with my beautiful love. But first I had to kill this witless git. I sharpened my knife and with a loud thud his life ended. Feeling not a little feeling of regret in my heart I started burying him. Poor dog breathed his last in

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the ‘backyard’ of my hut and I felt very relieved to end this fiasco. Having some serious hatred with animals especially dogs and humans I would never had let this stupid moron in my house but my wife was insisting to keep him with us. Stray Cows Buffaloes Goats and other plants grass eating animals are okay as they never demand anything except causing few accidents on roads and injuring Bikers pedestrians and rarely those rich people in their Air Conditioned Cars. But Dogs no they are not okay because they want bread. This was the main reason of our ongoing problems. When I will get a decent job then I will gift her 1…no..2 dogs. I crossed my fingers to pray for the poor thing and started moving towards my home where a ‘happy’ life and beauteous love was waiting for me. The End Author Notes: - Smt. Shrimati is an honorific Hindi used for women. - Maneka Gandhi is an Indian politician animal rights activist environmentalist former model. 2 – Henna Arrest The Namasteys and have a seats and then after few seconds the business.

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“Will you be paying” the saloon in-charge asked my mom. “Yes." “Rs. 50 each side” said the in-charge. “that makes Rs.200/- for both hands of a person." “You want to have henna on both sides of your hand” my mother asked me. She is a great actor. Her dream to see me as bride and write off her ‘social liability’ or maybe Bad Debt is coming true. I am helpless feeling like a lost warrior. Almost 9 years back when she started arranging “Handsome Settled” groom for me. I begged for some time so that I can pursue my dream in Clinical Research. She agreed never said anything after that…though her acid eyes regularly harassed me as if asking “Is that ‘some time’ over” and finally her patience paid off I surrendered. There were times when I was close to achieve my dream but records say that I did almost nothing during these 9 years. "No only on the upper sides" I told my mom. “Ayesha and Sonia take this girl and apply henna to her hand” said the manager “and make it fast." The two girls who were about my age took me to one of the outer sides and told me to sit on a bench while they

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took a seat just in front of me. Opening the seal of the cone they started making designs on my hand. The scent of henna filled the air putting my senses on full alert like a coffee bean though more soothing. I looked around making sure not to move my hand. The saloon was made of two perpendicular walls. One was half covered by a big rectangle mirror beneath which a long wooden desk was installed against the wall containing all the equipment and accessories in its shelves while the other had posters of brides and models smiling at the passersby. Two long benches were installed on the opposite side of the wall. A pillar supported the ceiling from the open side. Even though the people were from different sects the place had a homey feeling about it. A lady in the saloon opposite to me was having her hair dyed. To the right corner side a lady was buying sandals for her grandchildren. A couple of woman were gossiping and sipping tea. My cousins were chatting about the wedding what they were going to wear and competing over who would look best. My mom kept stating the fact that the bride would look beautiful. I kept my opinions to myself as I don’t like weddings and consider it the most boring event I would ever witness.

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My back was aching badly. The constant scratching of the henna cone against my palm was overbearing. It took all my strength to keep my hands from moving. My cousin was poking me to make sure I was all right. It was irritating. It was not her mistake though my mom was probably driving her crazy telling her to make sure if I was ok. My mom is over-caring which can be irritating at times. She was probably thinking of the bad things that might happen and since I was sitting on the outer bench out of her sight I cant imagine how she must be feeling. "Here you are done" said Ayesha to me flipping the cone through her bun-tied black hair. I was taken aback at her remark. Looking at the pattern on my hand I tried to memorize the design just so I could make it whenever needed. "Is something wrong" Ayesha asked "Nothing" I replied. "We got to go." My cousin poked me. The End

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3 - Social Modeling A young couple from a European Country Tom and Trisha were on a World Tour. After few weeks of mixed adventure in African Countries they reached India.....their first stop in Asia. They were roaming on the bumpy roads to get the real feel of India. Tom - "Darling look at that...." Trisha - "Who Mahatma Gandhi" Tom - "Why do you have only four guesses for every new thing and surprise in India There are billion of people and things In India apart from Taj Mahal Kama Sutra Handicrafts and Of Course Mahatma Gandhi." Tom - "Look at that poor soul on the side of the pavement." Trisha -"Oh wounded poor man is using a copy of Public Times to hide his privates." Tom - "We must help him." The couple rushed towards that Poor Soul. Trisha - "Tom give him your shirts and trousers."

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Tom - "We should call the Doctor first and offer him some packed food. He is shivering...BIG TIME. Hey man we are right here for you. You need something Feel free to ask anything." The Poor Soul stares at Trisha and Tom alters his promise in his earlier sentence. Tom - "....I mean not anything." Annoyed Poor Soul shouted. "Whats your problem man" Tom - "You are wounded you were shivering...we want to help you." "O Come on Not again. For Mangos sake.....this...thats why I was shivering." Poor Soul setting his long hairs back showed the couple his latest I-Pod and ear plugs. Trisha - "An have...." "Ya I have an I-Pod. By the way do me a favor..." Trisha - "What" "Please download the latest anti-virus on my Lap Top and Leap Top. These Fuckers I meant Hackers are making my life hell."

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Tom - "We thought that India is a developing poor country and you surely looked like a Beggar." "Well mates this is my profession." Trisha - "Begging" "O am a Social Model." Tom - "...and Whats that Never heard about Social Modeling before." "Actually I regularly travel in various states cities and villages of India and work temporarily for Non Governmental Organizations N.G.O.s working for many social causes. According to the needs of my clients I pose in different make-ups get-ups receiving money gifts help aid etc from the members of N.G.O.s....they use my photos to gather money and grants from Public Government Corporate and he he...Foreign Countries. I was waiting for my client and you people just...." After few minutes Doctor called by Tom arrived at the scene and was attending Tom and Trisha....both fainted in shock. The End Author Notes: India is estimated to have around 3.5 million NGOs 2010

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4 – ‘Disputed’ Champions Saurav and Shazia India got wild card entry in Mixed Doubles category of Tennis Slaves Series. In international sports the term wild card is perhaps best known in reference to big international sporting events such as Olympic Games or Wimbledon. Countries which fail to produce athletes able to meet performance requirements to compete are granted "wild cards" which enable them to send competitors tournaments even if those competitors abilities are below the required standards. Though there were few better ranked Tennis players in India but they were busy in other tournaments injured and some popular celebrity showing off their stardom by statements like we are focusing on Olympics...skipping small tournaments. This was second year of Egypt’s Tennis Slaves Series. There were 16 pairs in the Mixed Doubles Event. The only unique rule was the two players should be of same country which happens in big International events like Olympics Asian Games Commonwealth Games etc as nations also compete in composite Medal Tally of all the events. 3 Rounds before Final First round of 16 Quarter Finals Semi Finals. The

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Indian pair scheduled to play Chadian players was very excited and happy as their rankings were better than the Chadian duo and the players from Chad were unseeded. Just before the games a bitter Civil War broke out in eastern Chad and all the International Flights were cancelled. Indians progressed to Quarter Finals with a W.O. or Walkover win. They practiced for 2 days before their next match. Their opponents were Markal Bass and Cindy Pass from Nepal. But on the eve of match Cindy was disqualified by World Anti-Doping Agency WADA for doping violations in the last round of 16 match. Saurav and Shazia got their second Walkover and they were in the semis. They were happy and "Only 2 Steps...." was the only thing in their mind. Russians won their first 2 matches and were scheduled to play Indians next. Zafira Nova Top-seeded International star was main attraction in womens singles of the same tournament. She got injured in her singles semi-final match. She retired from the match and from the Mixed Doubles Event. Indian pair was now in Final of Egypt’s Tennis Slaves Series. Shazia - "Everyone is focusing on singles and all no news of us making it to the final" A reporter heard this line of Shazia when she was practicing with Saurav and quoted it in the next days National Newspaper. Now not "everyone" but many were talking about these two players. SMS and Internet Jokes

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circulated everywhere. "Register your names and you are a finalist Hurry" Next top-seeded Israeli pair. They were called Mixed Doubles Specialist with 29 titles to their credit. They were super professionals and favorites in the Sunday final. Saturday evening some Palestinian extremist kidnapped Israeli Players for their multiple demands. Authorities had no clue of the players on Sunday and reserve day Monday. Indians were declared the champions of Mixed Double Event of Egypt’s Tennis Slaves Series. The joke changed "Register and be a Champion plus a free foreign trip" The End Author Notes: - A walkover or W.O. is the awarding of a victory to a contestant because there are no other contestants or because the other contestants have been disqualified or have forfeited. - The World Anti-Doping Agency WADA is an independent foundation created through a collective initiative led by the International Olympic Committee IOC to promote coordinate and monitor the fight against drugs in sport.

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5 – Fire’s Sermon "Shyama" This word this name is placed in my memory with an audio file. Voice of my neighbor Mr. Sumit Talwar calling his wife loud and…Sounding...harsh. Though Shyama was often heard laughing and seen standing on a balcony smiling. Few neighbors residing close were amazed by such contrasting voices. One thing was sure that she was happy and everyone was unable to decipher Mr. Talwar’s expressions and actions to say that A muscleman his every action and word was like a semi-slow motion and surprisingly delicate considering his heavyweight frame. Mr. Talwar’s first impression to many was ignorant and rude. Almost zero social circle very poor attendance in festive or social gatherings almost no facial expressions like Rahul Dravid batting on the Fourth Boring day of Cricket test match heading towards a Draw. Yesterday was like any other day. Then I heard a blast. It was like a Bomb blast. But bomb blasts were ‘far away’ from majority of India. People rushed or many looked outside to expect something thrilling to change their ordinary day. Half the house of Talwars was on fire. The cooking gas cylinder burst while Shyama was preparing food in the kitchen. Besides Sumit was badly injured. Burnt part of his

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formal office clothes sticking to his body. Inert and burnt Shyama was in his hands. I don’t know about the degrees of burns but her body was a black sticky mess. I called 101 Fire Service for a Fire Brigade. They told me that someone already informed them and the fire brigade is on its way. Sumit was crying and shouting random things. He was doing everything he never did or probably he never showed anyone except Shyama. He was repeatedly kissing her talking to her. His trademark slow motions vanished as he jumped bumped and ran moved like a Black Cat Commando. His car was in a service station so he ran to all the houses in colony and asked for Help or Car to rush to Hospital but before anyone could respond he moved to next house as if he was waiting for that person’s reply for quite some time. Few moments later the Talwars were rushed to Hospital. Fire brigade extinguished the fire. Humming sound of crowd taking asking calling sharing assumptions and framed facts. Mr. Sumit taught me and maybe few other neighbours a lesson....for rest of my life. Everything differs from person to person. Since then I never generalize a person by knowing some of his/her characteristics. As every individuals personality has so many aspects according to that persons upbringing interests profession etc which are hidden from almost everyone. We majority have

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several stereotyped standards and if someone is not good in those specific things....we tag him/her with negative adjectives like rude ignorant selfish bad without knowing so many things about that individual. The End Author Notes: - Rahul Dravid is one of the most experienced cricketers in the Indian national cricket team of which he has been a regular member since 1996. - The National Security Guard is a Special Response Unit in India that has primarily been utilized for counter- terrorism activities. The NSG members are also known as Black Cat Commandos. - For Fire Service and related emergencies dial 101 in India. 6 - Art of Bargaining Mickey Bond is a worker in South African embassy in India. He loves India and its diverse culture. He is a happy man but with one big problem. He can’t handle too much pressure. Mickeys behavior in tense situations is inscrutable.

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Otherwise he is okay and even aware of his weakness and often wondered that in this big world how many people behave like him in certain situations it’s just the difference of frequency and degree. He observed many people in public places and said to himself “She is like me”. His cousin Aladdin Bond is on a World tour and staying with Mickey to visit India. Mickey tells Aladdin about popular street markets of India where according to him "Bargaining" is the key. Mickey Bond - Bargaining is a very important and even expected part of shopping at markets in India. Shopkeepers in India hope to charge you a higher rate to raise their monthly income. You want to save money as your budget is running low. But the streets are filled with colorful and enticing items to buy so how do you buy something without getting ripped off The idea is to start below what you are willing to pay. Mickey takes Aladdin to weekly Monday Market in his locality. Mickey Bond With James Bond expressions – Let me show you how it’s done. Mickey walks to a wooden stall. Mickey – This green shirt with embroidery. How Much Shopkeeper – Four Hundred Rupees.

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Mickey – No it’s too much. I can pay you Forty Rupees for this. Mickey thought the Shopkeeper will offer the shirt at lower price but Shopkeeper was an enthusiastic young man new in business. Shopkeeper – No Sahib Four Hundred Rupees. Mickey – No Forty name is Bond....Mickey Bond Shopkeeper – I am Popeye the Spider man Four Hundred. Mickey Returning to original Mickey look from James Bond expressions – Forty Shopkeeper – Four Hundred Mickey – Forty Shopkeeper – Four Hundred This Four Hundred versus Forty went on for few more seconds and Mickey Bond was pressurized enough to shout. Mickey – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Okay final Four Hundred Forty The End Author Notes:

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Heres the best way to go about it to make sure you dont pay too much at Indias markets. Though gradually Department stores Supermarkets Shopping Malls Hypermarkets etc are replacing local unorganized desi markets. - To get a feel for how much goods should cost visit some fixed price stores first. - In street markets as a general rule dont pay more than half the initial asking price of any items. Sometimes its possible to pay less especially if you buy more than one item. - Shop keepers consider the first sale of the day to be lucky so shop early and they may give you a better price to get your business. - Never reveal how much youre interested in an item. Always pretend to be indifferent as to how much you want it. - Start the bargaining process by asking the shop keeper "Is this best price" or "Is a discount possible" - The price will immediately be dropped a small amount. Tell the shop keeper that the item is still way too expensive. Youll then be asked how much youre prepared to pay. - When its your turn to offer a price make sure you start with a low amount thats well below what youre

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prepared to pay. Around one third of the quoted price is a good amount. - If the shop keeper isnt dropping the price enough walk away. Usually this will result in an immediate reduction in the asking price. If it doesnt its an indication that your price is too low. You can either go back and keep negotiating or try and find the item cheaper somewhere else. - Its a good idea to walk around the market and see all thats on offer first before buying anything. Its common to find the same items for sale in a number of shops. - Lastly keep in mind that bargaining is meant to be fun. Many shop keepers enjoy it as the interaction breaks up the monotony of their day. 7 - Unskilled Fire Extinguishers Baba Kalia 46 is the wholesale king of FMCG Fast Moving Consumer Goods in Susu City. Now he is eyeing on rapidly growing Fire Extinguishers and related fire safety equipments like Hydrants Sirens Alarms etc. Government granted him the license for manufacturing of Fire Extinguishers only on a condition that if his company supplies certain amount of Fire Extinguishers to Primary

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Schools and Hospitals for a season then he can apply for licenses for manufacturing other fire safety equipments. His son Baby Kalia 20 is a Commerce Graduate and Baba Kalia wants his son to manage the new business. He tried his best to brainwash his son according to his thinking and beliefs with the help of many conversations like this. “Business is all about making money and profits. Simple But these ‘new ‘ kids wasting their parents money in higher education and then ruining their employers business by applying ‘Bookish cum Rubbish’ theories in practical world. That’s why I saved 2-3 years of your prime period by not sending you abroad just to get that MBA tag.” “But Dad every theory is a result of several years of research done by learned Scholars Professors etc. World is changing and proper training and study are necessary to be in business…with so much limitations and competition.” “That’s what I am saying implementation of theories given by professors and not by successful Businessmen. I mean in general....the world is big may be there are few Businessmen cum Professors..Though I never heard about anyone with so much time. Yes I know couple of my Businessmen cousins who say that they did 5-10 years of research in Business and got Doctorate Degree but they are not successful businessmen. That’s the difference. You

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need some time to differentiate between the business of your graduation syllabus and the real business that your Papa is managing before your birth. I have decided that along with my wholesale business I will be there with you in the initial period of this Fire Extinguisher Factory Project.” Baby Kalia was himself recruiting new managers employees for this manufacturing unit. When his Papa Kalia..Err...Baba Kalia jumped in from God-Knows-Where. “Son this is pure carelessness. You hired so many people with impressive Resume with so many degrees diplomas..but you don’t realize that you have to pay them according to their qualifications and they are nothing but...ahem” “Dad...” “No...Now listen to me. You must have read at least this in your books. Cost Cutting...or minimizing cost of production. Now I will do the recruiting of workers making the material and filling the cylinders. Don’t be amused…the license is of manufacturing by scientific process but I got the license because of my contacts and money and now I want return on my investment. Manual filling of cylinders cheap material Gobar Gas instead of CO2...I don’t care I want money. You hired IIM managers I said nothing now I am hiring unskilled labour and I expect you to quietly observe the difference Baby.

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Huh” After a week the “Manufacturing Unit” of Kalia and Sons started its production in “Baba Kalia’s way.” Baby Kalia respected his father but was unhappy by the business ‘tactics’ applied by his father in everything even on him. He was the CEO of the company but enjoyed limited powers than a peon of his factory. The Kalia and Sons Safety Equipments Limited recorded a huge profit in it’s first quarter after the commencement of production. Baba Kalia was on the moon. Now apart from the regular teachings tips and taunts Mr. Baby had to tolerate the fictitious stories about Baba Kalia’s super- career. Next day early morning a phone call by a factory employee. “Hello Sir our fire extinguisher factory caught fire few minutes ago. No casualty but all the material and machines on both the floors....destroyed. Uncontrollable fire is spreading in other adjoining factories..Sir.” Baba Kalia – What How “Sir the fire started in the Inventory Rooms where spontaneous combustion of substances and materials caused this conflagration.”

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Baba Kalia – Dont give me this formal shit. There were few workers in the Night Shift for manual filling of cylinders. What were they doing “The fire was very fast..sir...All the workers were relaxed till they saw the fire because they thought that a Fire Extinguishing Factory and it’s material cannot catch fire.” Baba Kalia – Foolish workers "No...sir illiterate and unskilled workers. No body knew how to operate a Fire Extinguisher. So They threw Fire extinguishing cylinders of every size in the fire…thinking that these cylinders are ‘Fire Extinguishers themselves’ will extinguish the fire but nothing happened. With no option left they ran away. Workers are saying that they do their job perfectly it’s their owner who uses so much duplicate material that over 3000 Kgs. of Fire extinguishers cannot handle a room’s fire." Baby Kalia was upset yet happy that at last something a fire proved his father wrong and now Baba Kalia will open up to new ideas. Though this Baba-Baby duo was in the spotlight in every form of media with this common or similar headlines "Fire Extinguisher Factory Catches Fire" Formally and lots of "Ha Ha..." "LOL" "He he..." in the Newsroom and Studios Informally. The End

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Author Notes: Gobar Gas - In Pakistan and India biogas produced from the anaerobic digestion of manure in small-scale digestion facilities is called gobar gas. IIM - The Indian Institutes of Management IIMs are graduate business schools in India that also conduct research and provide consultancy services in the field of management to various sectors of the Indian economy. The IIMs are considered the top business schools in India. 8 - Tea I love you "Well for me tea is an underrated beverage. Tea is a common thing in many countries but still people give very less footage to tea compared to other drinks....." "May be tea is your personal choice over coffee and other drinks." "Okay Mr. Prompt Analyst. Yes I love tea. You want to know the reasons" "Reasons I thought you like tea because you like tea or your taste buds prefer tea Okay tell me the reasons." "When I was in High School. I daily watched a group of children begging on the traffic signals near my school. One

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day I took some old utensils thousand bucks my monthly pocket money and went to the leader of the Begging Gang a malnourished and dirty kid with no quality of leader but was comparatively better than others...thats why he was the leader. I gave him the utensils then we managed things to prepare tea and a illegal 5 Kgs though it was near to a 2 Kgs gas cylinder. He knew how to make tea. He started his business on roadside and started earning good amount on from the very first day. After 2 Months he purchased a wooden tea stall. Encouraged by this self employment success story. Now the Chhotu Gang is diversifying planning to open their tea stalls in other areas of the city. They were orphans....the only things they needed was right guidance and a little investment huge for them." "Great Superb You are better than many Management Gurus but you said reasons" "Thank you Second day when I was a little kid mom was out of station to meet her cousin. My father was preparing tea for himself and me. Now we hate black tea in India. A tea for us must contain a fair amount of milk and few other herbs apart from tea leaves the whole mixture is boiled till you get a orange+brown/2 colored tea. The mixture was boiling. Suddenly A thief came from behind and put knife like desi thing to my fathers neck. Papa instantly emptied the contents of pan on the burglars face....he cried with pain and gave his knife like desi thing to Papa and pleaded to lock him in Bathroom so

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that he can use shower until Police arrives and the color of his face was orange+brown/2. .......Third and the most important reason is that I am alive and talking to you because of tea. Yup actually last year after the completion of my studies my traditional-cultural- ethical-religious-type family started searching a well settled Boy from another traditional-cultural-ethical- religious-type family for arranged marriage. Their search ended and a family came to evaluate me on their traditional parameters. They were behaving and asking weird questions...actually they were too traditional to I dont wanted to marry that Mustache Man. So I prepared an awful tea with irresistible tangy flavor. I served them tea. After few sips they got up and departed. I heard them saying that if the taste of first tea prepared by a to be bride is not good then its a guarantee of bad luck for both the families after marriage if marriage happens after the not so good in taste first tea. Seriously I wanted to kiss that traditional man/woman who framed this awful first tea rule. Later after a month the same traditional-cultural-ethical-religious-type family found guilty of killing the newly wed bride who came to their home with so many expectations and dreams for Dowry traditional reasons. After that my parents gave me the freedom to choose my life partner myself...who suits me irrespective of the traditional tantrums. I chose you. Will you marry me" "Yes I love you"

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"I love you....and tea." The End Author Notes: - Sometimes due to coincidences or strange events some specific things people and places become very special for a person Tea in this case. Though these things people and places are ordinary for others. So what is/are very special to you that is normal for others - Chhotu is a common name for male child laborers beggars. - A dowry is the money goods or estate that a woman brings to her husband in marriage. Dowry deaths are the deaths of young women who are murdered or driven to suicide by continuous harassment and torture by husbands and in-laws in an effort to extort an increased dowry.

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9 - AIDS Sufferer Vampire Place : A Private Hospital India. "Doctor Haaaaaaaaaa" Doctor engrossed in a report "Sore throat Cough and Cold…second floor room number 19." But this was a special case. "Doctor....Haaaaaaaa" At last Doctor looked at the visitor "Jeeeeeez..Yuck...wak...what a Buggy go to the next building" "What for" Doctor - "That building is Theater and Movie Studio and you were going there but probably in confusion and hurry bumped in here." "No...Haaaaaa"

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Doctor - "Okay so you are nervous before your performance or screen test. You wanna rehearse and were practicing here...O Come on Pee-Pee Man this is a Hospital." "I am Desi Vampire...somebody killed me few decades ago and buried my body near the sewer today some freaky stuff ya..even for me along with bumper- decomposed gases leaked at my place from that gutter and I guess thats enough inspiration...err.. Irritation for me to rise again and rule the world." Doctor - "I am a Doctor not a kid and you are a normal person trying to imitate some cheap TV programs weak Vampire" Desi Vampire - "Okay then Call your Peon." Doctor - "Shambhoo" Shambhu - "Haaaaaaaaaaaa" Doctor - "Oh Shambhoo looks like a sucked elastic Bamboo Okay-Okay you are a Vampire....I mean Wow you are so great the ultimate Yo Man...I love you. So now what Are you going to suck my...." Desi Vampire - "Haaaaaa"

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Doctor - "I mean drink my Blood easy my Lord....but why are you telling me all this Is this your Modus Operandi Narrate your story to all your victims...he he...What the fuc....awesome" Desi Vampire - "I was on my way to suck people and soon I came to this Hospital...I bit a patient who laughed instantly when I went there and drank few liters of blood but after that I feel hairline receded my vision needs a Bifocal with a Telescope and a Microscope...since then I am tolerating a voice "peeeeeeeeeeeeee" in my ears....even I went to Toilet couple of times but still this "Peeeee" is on....whats worse is that one of my showpiece fangs broke right outside your office when I was busy with your peon Shambhoo. Thats why I told you all this...Please help me." Doctor - "You are feeling weak and sick" Desi Vampire - "Yes like somebody sucked me. No energy left." Doctor - "That first victim of yours in this Hospital was in which ward" Desi Vampire - "Ground Floor Right section. I dont remember the name of that ward." Doctor - Oh My God Thats the ward for AIDS patients.

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Desi Vampire - And whats that Doctor - AIDS stands for Acquired Immuno Deficiency Syndrome. Its a new disease invented...I mean discovered in later half of 20th Century. I guess you were buried for more than 5-6 decades. I am sorry you sucked an AIDS now you are H.I.V. Positive. Your immune system is getting weaker with every passing second because you consumed quite a lot from that patient. Its too late now. Desi Vampire -Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh Doctor - Dont worry you can still become an integrated part of this society. Our Hospital provides free medical and counseling facilities to AIDS patients. The End 10 - The Consolation Gold "Sorry pardon me which country" "Sautrey is Sauntrey." "Saun.....trey.....and which continent" "Africa Its Sauntreys first Olympic. We all are so excited."

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Sauntrey a small state came into existence for the refugees of civil war of several African countries an initiative taken by a world peace keeping organization. This was Sauntreys first appearance in Olympics. A group of 15 athletes was participating in the selected sports with ordinary qualifying standards or introductory sports.They were traveling from Sauntrey to Los Angeles U.S.A. via Aero plane this journey was in the destiny of few lucky Sauntrians. Along with them there was a group of 12 Supporting Staff and Reporters. First international exposure of these 27 people......conversing in Handy English with others and in Sauntri among themselves. Even Sauntri was a mixture of various African languages. Sports Village Los Angeles especially prepared for the athletes of all the participating countries was their destination. Aero plane with Sauntrian and few other African Teams reached Los Angeles. All the Sauntrian athletes and officials were in their official national dress and talking to everyone with a sense of pride but they were quite upset when someone in Press Conference called their dress "Trendy Swimwear". Sauntreys 3 Media personnel were with almost no equipments and were reporting back home via telephone. Their daily reports included various people with different countries traditions cultures etc encountered description of sports village facilities provided by the

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organizing authorities as if they were teasing their fellow nationals back home. Opening Ceremony of the Olympic Games was mind blowing as always. Sauntreys march was scheduled after China. Even Supporting Staff of China was far more than whole team of Sauntrey. They all marched in front of the "whole world" and their "Trendy Swimwear" was the only thing distinguishing them from the great Chinese army. First event in which Sautrey participated was Tennis Womens Doubles Category. The duration of the Match was 20 minutes and was in favour of opposing team 6-0 6-0. This result was expected by all present there except 27 people. In the next event which was Long Jump jump of Sauntrian Long Jumper was scheduled last formality........who finished last with the best effort of 1.99 meters. In 100 Meters Race Sauntrian runner broke the world completing the race in 39.99 seconds longest duration taken by any athlete in any international event to cover 100 meters. In Pole vault Sauntrian athlete was unable to clear the marked height in his first two attempts in his third attempt he banged his jaw in the clearance bar.

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Sauntrian Reporters failed to cover the Boxing Match featuring their Boxer because they reached 2 minutes late after the start of the match which ended in a historic first punch knockout. The Sauntrian Boxer was still unconscious to express his views about his "teeth tickling" defeat. Last event in which Sauntrey was represented was Swimming. Sauntrian Swimmer with nothing to lose misbalanced during his initial jump was hurt and was admitted hospital beside Pole Vaulter and Boxer of Sauntrey. There was a "pin drop" silence in the Sauntrain Camp. No one was enthusiastic as they were on their arrival. They lost in every event in which they participated in initial stages. To add to their misery media of other countries was flashing and serving their performance for laughter and entertainment of their viewers. One Reporter commented - "Stats are encouraging but Pole-vaulter Swimmer and Boxer of Sauntrian team may face problems and tough interrogation when they will return to Sauntrey from U.S.A. because after competitions their faces are quite different from their photos in their passports and visas." During the Closing Ceremony the Sauntrian Team quietly marched in their traditional dress. They all were thinking that the news of their performance was a means of

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laughter for others......infact the whole world. Back in the camp they all were very sad due to the insult of their country which was caused by their below ordinary performance. No one wanted to attend the press conference at last one athlete of 400 meters who was second last in his race and whose performance was best from Sauntrey attended the Press Conference. Reporters were taunting and commenting from every where. The name of the daring person facing press conference was Mr. Bham Bhokda. Everybody in the Sauntrian Camp was keenly watching him they all were praying. Temper of Mr. Bham Bhokda rose when someone asked him that "Why are such Countries dishonoring these prestigious games” "Shut up.....I said shut up.....enough is enough" blasted Bham Bhokda. Now there was an unbroken silence among reporters. Even the Cameras covering some other reports turned towards him as if they were ready to fire. Full of tears and emotions Bham Bhokda continued. "Olympic Games are unfair to us there is cheating everywhere." One Reporter interrupted "Hey hey.....You are breaking the Code of Conduct. Every move in Olympics is covered by several cameras and

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officials......confirmed by referees and umpires. Well by the way your sense of humor is same as your performance." Bham Bhokda replied "Thank you by the way I told you to shut up. Yes everything is watched by authorities but nobody is able to see the harsh truth and reality behind these standings and results. We lost in every sport which was thoroughly covered.....thanks to you people again. But what should be covered is that almost all the people in our country are not even aware about the existence of such events. Sauntrey....where people are struggling for basic necessities you expect us to compete and do well at this level. We are competing with those who are living a far better life than us and are professionals. I am a vegetable vendor and I started practice three months earlier for this event without quitting my business. Yes Sauntrey and all other underdeveloped nations apologize to you all that we are not lucky enough to have facilities like your countries in not only sports but also in every sphere of life. We were overwhelmed that we reached this far and at least we are marking the presence of Sauntrey without knowing the ground realities. I and my whole team announce our retirement after our first international event. Now we all will indulge in the development of our nation and I promise you that coming

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generations of Sauntrey will lead in every aspect...including sports Thanks again." Mr. Bham Bhokda left the Press Conference reporters were still silence and were gathering words in their defense. Some lucky reporters who were not working on the Live Reports edited a considerable portion of Bham Bhokdas speech. The Sautrian Camp was full of tears Sauntrians were consoling each other. But the sense of pride resumed automatically in them after listening to Mr. Bham Bhokdas reply. Reporters were also reporting Mr. Bham Bhokdas statements to increase their T.R.P. ratings....and goodwill. Mr. Bham Bhokda made this Olympic historical and memorable because Sauntrey Team returned to their Country with a review team to access the conditions of Sauntrey. Later an Headquarter of International Sports Development Authority S.D.A. was initiated in Sauntrey with its branches in all Underdeveloped and developing countries to find the raw talent and train them in different sports. A list of all such unprivileged Countries was prepared according to different international measures and many developed countries started to help in the development of listed countries. Sauntrey with its other counterparts is heading towards a better and secure future. Mr. Bham Bhokda is the head of S.D.A. and is also training his

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daughter with a dream to make her an Olympic Champion one day. The End 11 - Just ‘Hear’ This There was a Deer Whose ear sensed a Bear Deer froze with fear and Bear came near. Negotiated Deer "Dear Bear I have Beer with which you can cheer." Bear changed his minds gear Bear drank beer. And also tried to tear the deer Escaped Deer by reminding Bear That Bear forgot to wear his underwear.

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12 – "Police Please Save the Earth" 5 year old Alia and her parents Josh and Maria are watching a sci-fi movie. Movie’s climax shows the Dooms Day....destruction of earth...and this topic ignited. Alia was asking question at the speed of 1 per 5 seconds. "It’s very simple." "Is it Daddy" "Yes every time you switch off lights fans A.C. or other electrical appliances...or when your Mom shuts down her PC....or when we turn off the tap if we don’t need water we save earth from destruction." "How can we measure that" " postpone the doomsday by 1 second for every switch off turn off...when you don’t need those things any more." "Wow that’s cool." Alia instantly switched off the lights of the room. "Oh Alia its almost midnight. I said when you dont need those things."

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After few days Alia called 911 complaining.... "My neighbors are conspiring to destruct the earth and with the level of their plans the earth’s least our citys end is near." Though she was unable to explain the details. So the Police Party reached Alia’s house and questioned her parents neighbors. "Oh..Okay.....we were planning for a Grand Christmas Party." The End 13- Jehadi Terrorist Interview "Hello." "Al-Hello" "What is your name" "Al-Pussa but my friends call me Al-Cunta." "What are your aims" "To preserve environment and save energy." "…Ahem How"

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"By protecting oil reserves and resources from east…err… western countries…where is my left hand…this pose is right challenging the western countries and some European Asian African Australian countries and their research camps in Antarctica also on my left hand side….err…right hand side." "Sir Photo Session is after the Interview. Why don’t you discuss and negotiate straight to ‘those’ governments" "Because we are not ‘Straight’." "So you all are happy and gay" "Of course Al-yes." "Your English is impressive It is not your mother tongue….you learned English…from where" "English Movies." "Your favourite English movie" "What’s in the name They all are the same." "Okay your favourite dialogue" "O Yes…aaha..aaaaaaa…O yes…O my Gooo….aaaaaaaa fcuk me…ya ya ya." "Hmmm that’s good. So what are....”

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"By the way one correction in the previous reply…It’s fuck not fcuk…the company may sue our organization. Edit this portion." "Your favourite countries" "Afghanistan Syria North Korea Iraq Pakistan and all the regions all over the world under Parallel Governments." "Any part time job or hobby" "Preparation of scripts and giving ideas for the videos and material published of all the ‘Jehadi Organizations’ of this region. We have a big creative panel. I sometimes also manage set designing and kidnapping of people with different origins for the videos and photos." "Your Country is Underdeveloped. You should participate in its development. Why are you…." "Al-Shut up Your country is over conscious about external affairs people of your country are involved in many unethical practices...." "Wow You are so intelligent. Who told you all this" "He he…Thanks Actually this was a part of “Budding Brigade Brainwash Program" to shut up the clever people we kidnap. I can speak a lot more on this..." "Thank you for the Interview Bye" "Al-Bye-Bye...Wait a minute...what about the Photo Session"

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The End 14 - True is False Note: Dowry or Dahej is the payment in cash or/and kind by the brides family to the bridegroom s family along with the giving away of the bride. "Your parents insulted my family in public. So many people who knew me and my family were laughing at us." "No Soumya you got it all wrong. They wanted to explain your relatives and family that we were in a festive Hindu Ceremony and they your family and relatives were drinking liquor and creating a scene in public....thats why my Mother and Father lost their temper and said all that the process they pushed some of your drunk relatives..but even then I think it was not offensive." "Wow but you know what I think it was offensive. What about the Interview Call of my sister from the M.N.C. where your father is a Deputy Director We made her fill the form of that company. We told all our friends and relatives that she is selected in that company as an my Father in Law is on a very high post in

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that company but she was not embarrassing it was..." "But Papa said that there were more qualified and eligible people for the vacancies and he...." "Yeah I know that he is the Honesty-Is-The-Fucking-Best- Policy-Man that too in India. My Parents are waiting for me outside and I am going but before that I have a surprise for you..." "What We can talk separation and divorce are not the right options." "Ha Ha...Oh my poor Husband. Dont you think its too simple Now I have a Kitchen Knife with Sasu Maa jis Mother In Law fingerprints on them...then I have my Bottle of acid of my Post Graduation used it when our sink got heres your fingerprints...we will manage Sasur jis Father In Law too." "What the hell are you talking about" "See...Holding this knife with my saree i cut on my elbow..aah...On my leg...ouch..Then few drops of acid on my legs...aaaaaiiiii hurts much more than I thought....not to worry and dont call the Doctor because I already called the Police...and please dont dare to repeat your foolish questions now I am official..amm...authorized Dowry victim...By the way one more random thing which I always wanted to tell you...our

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neighbors teenager son...yes that talented Cricket player Sumit gives me the services of his 7 Incher almost daily which is 2 Inch more than yours..." "What...wait...we can talk. It’s not over No Please dont put false allegation of Dowry on me...please think about my career my life my familys reputation." "Let me finish Raman Darling. Its not only In- Laws are also criminals under Anti Dowry you three not only attacked and abused me but also injured my family....they are bleeding outside...after the struggle...Indian Police comes have to wait for few more minutes...and as Indian Railways always announce Inconvenience caused is deeply regretted...Ting Tong Now you and your parents go to the Citys Central Jail under Indian Penal Code 498A which states that ‘Husband or relative of husband of a woman subjecting her to cruelty shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to three years and shall also be liable to fine. Ask details about this act from the Police when they its time for you and your family to face humiliation." "No..its not IPC 498A for me you Bitch...its IPC 302." "What" "Oh My darling you watch so many Bollywood Hindi know what it means...IPC 302 says Whoever commits murder shall be punished with death or imprisonment for life and shall also be liable to fine."

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Raman grabbed the knife from her and stabbed Soumya till death. Then he killed her parents who were "injured" and "bleeding" in the garden waiting for the Police Party. At last after few more minutes Police Jeep Siren breaks the monotonous silence. The End Author Notes: 1 - MNC - Multi National Company. 2 - Section 498A of Indian Penal Code: Whoever being the husband or the relative of the husband of a woman subjects such woman to cruelty shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to three years and shall also be liable to fine. Explanation-For the purpose of this section "cruelty" means- a Any willful conduct which is of such a nature as is likely to drive the woman to commit suicide or to cause grave injury or danger to life limb or health whether mental or physical of the woman or b Harassment of the woman where such harassment is with a view to coercing her or any person related to her to meet any unlawful demand for any property or valuable security or is on account of failure by her or any person related to her meet such demand.

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3 - Plus there is IPC Section 304B and if death of a married woman does "not occur under normal circumstances" within seven years of her marriage. Whoever commits dowry death is required to be punished with imprisonment for a term which shall not be less than seven years but which may extend to imprisonment for life. Many times a suicide or accident turn into "Dowry Death" thanks to many families who thinks there was nothing wrong with their daughters sisters. 4 - Section 302 of Indian Penal Code - Whoever commits murder shall be punished with death or imprisonment for life and shall also be liable to fine. 5 - There are thousands of registered N.G.O Non Governmental Organizationfor Women’s Rights in India plus Government Departments and of course a full fledged "Mahila Aayog" a semi ministry for women. They have to do something...they do...they frame stats surveys etc and publish them everywhere to negative-generalize "all" men and glorify "all" women. In the process they suppress the reports of false accusation of crime against women. Men involved in crime against women in even 10 years is less then 2 of the total more than 520 Millions Indian men and in 10 years millions are added to the adult population. 6 - About the Misuse of Anti-Dowry Act. Your wife/daughter-in-law whos demands are not met can make a written false complaint of dowry harassment to a

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nearby police station. The husband his old parents and relatives are immediately arrested without sufficient investigation and put behind bars on a non-bailable terms. Even if the complaint is false you shall be presumed guilty until you prove that you are innocent. 498A can only be invoked by wife/daughter-in-law or her relative. Most cases where Sec 498A is invoked turn out to be false as repeatedly accepted by High Courts and Supreme Court in India as they are mere blackmail attempts by the wife or her close relatives when faced with a strained marriage. In most cases 498a complaint is followed by the demand of huge amount of money extortion to settle the case out of the court. This section is non-bailable you have to appear in court and get bail from the judge non-compoundable complaint cant be withdrawn and cognizable register and investigate the complaint although in practice most of the time arrest happens before investigation. Root of this evil is unnecessary Misandry spread by many influential groups and people for their benefit. There have been countless instances where without any investigation the police has arrested elderly parents unmarried sisters pregnant sister-in-laws and even 3 year old children. In these cases unsuspecting family of husband has to go through a lot of mental torture and harassment by the corrupt Indian legal system. A typical case goes on for years 5-7 years is typical and the

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conviction rate is about 2 only. Some accused parents sisters and even husbands have committed suicide after time in jail. 15 -"Komodo Dragon Walk is sexier than Cat Walk" Place: Yangon Rangoon Burma. Occasion: A regional Beauty Pageant Final Round. Judge – What is more sensual sexier than a Cat Walk Contestant A Biotechnology Undergraduate Student – Sir Definitely a "Komodo Dragon Walk" moving his/her/it’s bottom 75 Degrees both sides. That’s 45 Degrees more than a standard Cat Walk. Salamanders are also very close..Losing this bottom twist battle just by few degrees. Judge - Good you are selected....

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Contestant - Wow I knew how to impress know as they always say beauty with brains. Judge -.....for the United Nations Zoological Data Collection Analysis and Research Program.....and the regional branch of United Nations is 4.7 kilometers thats 4700 meters from here. Good Luck and Good Bye The End Author Notes: Komodo dragon is a large species of lizard found in the Indonesian islands of Komodo Rinca Flores and Gili Motang. A member of the monitor lizard family Varanidae it is the largest living species of lizard. Gifted with super sexy walk

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16 – Best Bond An elderly woman was shouting and crying beside the dead body of her son. He died in a road accident. He was the only support of his old mother. One neighbor was telling these details to other who was keen to listen and respond. Benoy driver of a Hears Car came to know about all these and many more things about the lady and her son from the murmuring of the crowd of relatives and neighbors. Though He was used to hear louder cries of people for their near ones as in India relations are one of the most important factor of human life. But this was a Christian family irrespective to Hindu families which Benoy usually encountered in his daily life. Suddenly a thought came into Benoys mind that how similar is his family to this "case".

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He was also the only support of his elderly mother. The only difference was that Benoy was alive and was somehow managing the survival with his mother who used to prepare decorative items which were sold by their neighbor Lakhu in Citys main Market. Sales of these items were satisfactory only during festivals. The colony in which they resided was a "Semi Slum" and about 20 Miles from the city of Rampur. He thought that what would happen to his mother after his death. Then to escape from this disturbing thought he indulged himself in dusting his means of earning as he always did whenever he got emotional an inert body causing pain to its near and dear ones. Later in the evening lender of the Hears Car asked for the days earning and got no response started shouting at Benoy. Instead of listening Benoy was thinking about that lady. This was the first time when Benoy was emotional about a case.....similar to all other deaths but yet so different. On the other hand the short fat ‘fluffish’ man was not in mood to forgive Benoy. Though he was a rich man and even Lakhu worked for him but when it comes to money.....he was a hungry Rhino ready to ruin the settlement. He noticed absent minded Benoy and commented in harsh tone.

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"This job is not for an emotional man like you and yes hesitant too." Benoy again apologized but he continued. "Listen to me carefully if you want to work for me you should be Cold dumb at work. Similar to a Cab or Taxi Driver you are wasting your fuel and efforts. So why hesitating in asking for money after all work is work." Benoy assured him that he will behave and act everything in the manner Sahib Sir wanted him to. During his sleep he dreamed same old lady consoling his Mother beside an inert body covered with white sheet. Until the face of that body could be revealed Benoy jumped in anxiety from his bed. The familiar thought that who will take care of that old lady was again knocking his mind but remembering the sweet wordings of Sahib was enough to send him back to sleep. Then he slept after deciding that he will visit the old woman tomorrow. Next day after completion of his work he went straight to that woman house named Paulson Mansion though it was no way near to be called a mansion. Benoy was standing outside the house for half an hour gathering courage and wordings to face the poor lady. He was hesitant enough to make a world record standing there and he could have go on but that lady interrupted his thoughts. "Who are you"

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Mother My name is Benoy. I am the driver...that Hears Car." His quick response was a pleasant surprise even for him. "Yes I forgot to pay you. I should...." Super-Encouraged by his first reply he interrupted her. "No Mother I am here just to tell you that I am also like your son and I know that I cannot replace him but still I will do whatever I can to make your life comfortable and to reduce the some extent." Crossing this initial hurdle of his hesitation Benoy talked to the lady for several hours. He told her about his professional life his mother how emotional he got when he saw her crying for her son and he was on and on and on. Even the woman was listening to him keenly. She neither interrupted him nor did she look bored. She was constantly gazing at him without blinking as if she was praising that childish conversation. Benoy was also consoling her regularly with assurance that he will visit her place everyday...seemed that the Innocence and simplicity of Benoy touched her. After that day Benoy was regular visitor of Paulson Mansion every evening. He talked even about Lakhu and Sahib to make her smile. He asked her to do any of her work or any financial help with the help of Sahib but she plainly rejected and never asked him for any kind of help.

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She only liked to talk to him. It was rather a monologue.....Benoy. The only thing that broke the conversation was the thought of his mother waiting for him with dinner she never ate dinner without him. It was her condition that at least one time a day Benoy must eat with her. Sometimes the lady herself reminded him that his Mother is waiting for him with surety as if she was watching Benoys mother. One such day Benoy was quite tired but with his habit he was there on the gate of Paulson Mansion. He talked to that lady and gradually fell asleep leaning on the gate. Scent of morning breeze and chirping of birds were making him realize that his short snooze was converted into night long sleep. The Old lady was not in the scene. Without disturbing and enquiring the old lady about his unusual slumber he rushed to Sahib for that days work. He was preparing himself for any "worst case scenario" as he was already very late. Benoy was cursing himself because he was unable to draft satisfactory excuses to escape from Sahib bombardment. When he reached to Sahib Office with his Hears Car Sahib was relax and happy to see him. Sahib even hugged him and of course Benoy was amused as this was the last thing one can expect from Sahib.

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Sahib - You are very lucky my boy. You were absent yesterday and I managed a temporary driver who was severely injured in an accident. Surprised Benoy as he was only late not absent but as always he was hesitating to counter Sahib but still for reduction of his confusion he murmured. Benoy - How Sahib - Misbalanced Vehicle fell in Yamuna River. Later his inert body was recovered. We all were worried about you. Jesus thank you so much. Benoy was startled because he slept for a night and if Sahib and others are right. How can he sleep for a day and a half a nap of 36 Hours and nobody even noticed him hanging on a gate Lakhu and Benoy mother questions confirmed that he was "nowhere" yesterday. Benoy went to Old woman house and shared this incident. She was also surprised and was reacting in Benoys manner. This 1 day absence mystery was eating Benoy everyone was congratulating him that how lucky he was but he wanted somebody to tell him actually where he was. Headache of that incident vanished in just couple of days as Benoys mother got a Heart Attack and was admitted in Hospital. Doctors explained him the critical condition of his mother. There were blood clots in her brain due to uneven

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functioning of her heart. Benoy borrowed money from Sahib and his other contacts for the costly treatment. Still the money was far short from what was told to him for the operation of his mother. His visits to the Paulson Mansion were also halted. Though he was exhausted and many of his reliable contacts ignored or even refused his requests Benoy was desperate to save the life of his mother. Thought of asking some help from the old lady passed him by for a moment but then he dropped the idea that this will only add to her misery. ...Night he was sleeping outside the ward of his mother. A familiar voice knocked his ears to pull him back from the dreamy world. "Benoy....son I am here my son dont you worry now your mother will be alright soon." "But..." The Old lady was standing in front of him and Benoy rubbing his eyes and greeting simultaneously. He always watched her with her home as background this hospital was something to adapt. "No if and but required amount is deposited for the treatment of your mother. By the way you should never hesitate asking for called me mother and this

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word symbolizes the bond which is beyond the things you always hesitate to’s eternal." "I am very sorry mother but who told you all this." After a pause she replied. "Lakhu who else." This was the first time that the monologue was from the side of that lady and Benoy was only responding in yes no sorry thanks etc. Old lady was nonstop. While giving birth every woman experiences a part of her body separated. Eye contact with her baby makes her hypnotize and she gets unparallel joy from the mere touch of young one. Women are secondary in the society because they are sacrificing their social status from the beginning of human race just for their families. Delivering her "body part" she cries shouts and within minutes she is on the top of the world with her baby. She exactly knows when her baby needs her and why as if she is still connected to her baby physically. This is the purest relation which involves care love and almost everything without any expectations in return. Let men rule the world forever but motherhood is the difference which makes the fairer sex better. After sometime she got up and kissed Benoys forehead and said.

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"Your Mother is very lucky." Then she handed him an address. "An old friend of mine needs some help and assistance in a journey. Get there and assist her after your mother gets okay." Benoys mother was out of danger the very next day and relaxed Benoy happily went to share this news with Lakhu and Sahib. After their conversation Lakhu was puzzled and denied any conversation with an elderly woman. Benoy was astonished too he was forcing an unbelievable and painful thought to stay away from him while he unfolded the paper with address. He got nervous because address on the paper was of Paulson Mansion. He rushed to the ladys house and knocked there was no response. He enquired neighbors. They told him that they have not seen her after the death of her son. These uncertainties were chocking him. He repeatedly banged the door but no one responded. He always conversed with the old lady standing on the gate. He was too shy to ask for a seat or to come in. She also heard him patiently standing on the other side for hours. Surrounded with confusions nervousness fear Benoy forcefully broke the door. Till then neighbors called the Police and followed him. Dead body of the lady was lying on the chair with photograph of her son still tightly intact in her hand. Foul smell of the body forced everyone to

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leave the room except Benoy who was gazing a "Mother".....his Mother. Now every mystery confusion was crystal clear that how she helped him all these days and the journey she meant was her own final journey. Later with the completion of all the legal formalities Benoy claimed the body and buried it in a respectful a son. Benoy regularly visits the changed "place" of the old lady and monologues in the same manner as he earlier did. You are lucky Benoy........ .....The End 17 - Are you Proud to be a Man/Woman A Man - "I am Proud to be a Man."

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A Woman - "I am Proud to be a Woman." A Mohit -"Hi Fans Sit down. Being a Man or a Woman is not an achievement or a disability its just a result..a probability...if the X chromosome of male parent meets the X chromosome of female parent produces a female offspring and if Y chromosome of male parent meets X chromosome of female parent produces a male offspring. So you two did nothing in this. Please no references examples of what right or wrong others did either gender. Everything differs from individual to individual. So the fight should be good versus Evil not Men Versus Women. Therefore the formula is.... Good Men + Women versus Evil Men + Women Instead of Men versus Women. Now Go fight The End 18 – Rates of Education

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Aroras are a high society family living in the upper class neighborhood of Vasant Vihar located in Delhi. Mr. Lele Arora is an established film producer and owns a company which manufactures Aapki DakarAn antacid which relieves acidity. Enjoying life with his wife and their twin sons Mr. Lele Arora is currently getting stressed with his life. The stress is giving him hair loss. The reason of the stress is one of the mischievous twins Chandan. Now Chandan and Vandan maybe twins but their philosophy on life is as contrary as their underwear brands. Vandans daily basis includes studying at school and studying at home...Chandan on other hand enjoys pranking teachers/classmates at school and bugging Vandan at home. Hopefully both of the 10 year old are in separate sections of Class 5th at their school. Chandan is in Section A and views his class as a room of confinement. He views each of his teachers as a member of Al-Qaeda And the title of Osama Bin Laden is held by his Maths Teacher Mr. Sanki Chandra. Mr. Chandra - Homework Chandans fist tightly clenched his pencil box his legs froze and his answer came in the form of a belch or in common words a burp. Mr. Chandra - That was not your homework Chandan - That was a Dakar You can cure them by

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Antacid Fruit Salt made by my fathers company. Would you like to try our new flavor The whole class started to laugh and Chandan was marched to the Principals Office. Things were starting to look a little bit dark for Section B which is Vandans section. Mrs. Pakhandi - Students Today we are going to start Algebra. Suddenly a Peon from office came into the room. Mrs. Pakhandi - It seems we have a special announcement from the Principal. Our Section has been chosen for a research experiment. We are going to study Graphing Logarithmic Functions which apparently we study in Classes 11th and 12th....How exciting Vandan - YIPPY...... Sit down or I will stab you with my compass After a week the Logs had seemed to crack Vandans mind leading him to imagine that his sheets full of Logarithmic Graphs were talking to him. Vandan - Logs why are you so curved up

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Logs - Its the education system beta Whenever a child fails or gets below average marks on his tests/exams I eat the child adding these curves on my straight and linear figure Vandan - Are you going to help me on the Board Test after Recess Logs - You have a 66.9 chance of passing the test compared to 35 population of India which is still illiterate. But since just 7 of students graduate this lowers your percentage to the verge of becoming my dinner. My lines will reach out of the paper then pull you in and after you are held together by my curves I will eat you Vandans pants became wet. Logs - Did you just Su - Su… Mrs. Pakhandis period started. Mrs. Pakhandi - Vandan its your turn to draw the graph on board. You may bring a piece of rough paper for calculations. Vandan holding his Logs went in front of the board. He whispered quietly to Logs.

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Vandan - KSSSHTT...Tell me the answer Vandans eyes started to see Logs lines forming words and his hands started to move at the speed of light which is c 3.00 x 108 m/s. The whole class started to laugh and when Mrs. Pakhandi looked at the board to read the joke her laughter got buried underneath her anger. Mrs. Pakhandi - VANDAN ARORA... Vandan - I knew what my surname was when I was in Nursery Maam The laughter from class became heavier. Mrs. Pakhandi - QUIET DOWN CLASS Explain to me the reason for such ill mannered behavior Vandan - It just says that My communist nature forbids me from drawing any lines on the board Logs – He he...Classic Looks like Vandans career is in jeopardy. Today the local Police were coming into every class and giving students some tips.

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Chandans evil smile is enough to say that he is prepared. Mr. Chandra - Ok class these policemen are going to talk about the importance of our nation and what we can do to keep it safe. Before the Policeman could speak Chandan jumped on his bench and started screaming. Chandan - He did it Chandra did it...He is the head of multiple terrorist organizations. He is always teaching us Al - Geometria Al - Alzebra...He is planning on selling each of us to different nations after planning it with his Al - Rates of Studenta...Arrest him...Or I will be getting eaten by a herd of bearded nudists tanning on Afghanistan rocks. Arrest Him Harish Mr. Chandra - You.....I will get you...You son of a.... Chandan - Son of Lele Arora

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The whole class was filled with joy and excitement. Back at Arora House things were reversed now. Lele Arora - Diya Vandan is getting suspended for making fun of his teacher and Chandan is getting a medal next week for getting his terrorist teacher arrested....I think my hair are starting to grow back The End 19 – India U.S.A. + Africa/2 Professor: “Define India in brief” Student: “Sir India U.S.A. + Africa/2” Professor: “Whoa Please explain” Student: “India fully equipped with the features of both advanced and backward countries in every sphere of life from Standard of living to Sanitation. One moment you encounter fully maintained posh colonies Malls Industries etc and within few yards there are slums ‘mountains’ of garbage etc. Development is scattered and not properly distributed. India is not great but still not that bad. With development growth and commercialization

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increasing at remarkable pace lets hope that India will be a developed nation in couple of decades. Examples of This mixture - India is neither capitalist economy nor socialist economy its a mixed economy. - Not a developed country...not a underdeveloped country...its a Developing country. - The Human Development Index rates India in Medium countries. Recently ranked 128 out of about 200 countries. - Even the general complexion of Indians is White + Black/2. - The policies International Trade GDP National Income Per Capita Income Sports Growth Rate...medium.” Professor: “In short India is synonym of Contrast.” Class: “Right Sir” Student: “Sir this is cheating. I explained everything and you jumped in to be the showstopper with that little synonym-contrast thing.” The End

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20 - The Making of ‘Dirty’ Scene in a Bollywood Movie Scene in Script – A dirty mind villain is walking towards heroin with dirty thoughts in his mind in short a Rape scene. As this was a Hindi "Family" Movie they were only covering face expressions of villain and heroin. Director was briefing villain and heroin about this scene. First Director started the shooting of about 30 seconds of Helpless Heroin’s expressions. Director – You have to give us "pure strange puzzled plus frightened expressions" like you gave after your wardrobe malfunction in an event last month. What/Which/Who is the most scariest thing in this world for you Heroin – Don’t put most before scariest just to make your instructions more heavier. Scariest creatures for me are my Mother in Law and my Sister in Law. Director – But we cant afford any of the two and after all members of my film unit are humans too like you. I have another option though not as great as your Mother in Law or Sister in Law but still above average. Where is the sweeper

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Sweeper makes a jumping entry to impress the Director with a poly bag full of cockroaches fresh from gutter. Director – Lights Sound Roll Camera Action… ...Wait Lights Sound Roll Camera Roll Cockroaches Action Sweeper opens the poly bag and cockroaches got their freedom once again but instead of proceeding towards the ready Heroin they turned back and marched towards the film unit. Now every member of the crew was giving "pure strange puzzled plus frightened expressions" except the Heroin and the Sweeper. Villain ran for his life and vanished into the Make-Up- Vanity-Van of the Heroin. Many cockroaches vanished in this event but at last few heterosexual cockroaches

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returned towards the heroin and film unit resumed the film shoot. Now 30 seconds of villains face expression. "Dark room…you walk towards helpless lady...give me those classic expressions Paapi ji. You are such a versatile rapist of our film industry but those memorable vintage expressions you gave in Pappi le le Kiss Me Dushashan A horny mythological character and wanna be rapist etc are missing. Okay think of your wife seducing you." Paapi – “Ugh Yaak Actually I feel nothing new. Even when I walk towards my wife smiling to ask for tea or something she calls Police saying that I am attempting a marital” Director – “Okay cool down sir think of my wife....” Paapi – “Haaaaaa” Director – “That’s my rapist Now you have to walk towards the two cameras with this face...Lean on the ground camera....Foreplay with the two cameras....there is a Sari blouse etc beside the ground camera pull everything....Oh why I am telling you all this you are a pro...and..and sir though we are covering your upper body but give us some pelvic thrusts you were expert in giving in your struggling days as a Background Dancer. Ready Okay then.... Lights

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Sound Roll Camera Roll Villain annnnnd Action” Paapi – “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Come on Baby ‘M…Mere..Paas aao aao.’ Ha Ha Ha I can’t wait.” Director whispers – "Sir the pelvic thrusts from mid air and be original don’t copy Raj Babbar." Paapi – “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Misbalanced Paapi falls on the camera and breaks himself and the camera. Director – “Idiot I suggested him to take a break from his monotonous roles and he broke himself Pack Up” The End 21 - Infecting Infatuation

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A chair rested under a delicate yet spreading tree the only living thing that at least spitted a little puddle of shade on the dusty baked earth. She spotted it from afar and lazily walked towards it. The clearing swarmed with tired yet mysteriously busy students rushing from one person to another. Sometimes the way people talked and chatted continuously made her sick. “Nonstop un-creativity or am I Heartsick.” She had a habit a bad one hopefully of noticing how people sometimes said meaningless things ultimately stupid things and made fools of themselves in front of others. That too over and over again with new permutations and combinations just to prove that they learnt from past which actually is not the case. She soon reached the little puddle of shade under the lonesome rather sad-looking tree and took a deep breath gulping a bolus of hot dusty air. Carelessly dropping her bag to the ground she carefully balanced herself on the chair and sat back slowly wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. She wasnt in a hurry and that sense of realization always made her do things leisurely. After what felt like hours she flickered her eyes open and looked around. Somehow she had managed to sleep in the middle of all the unpleasant chaos. The bustling throng had evaporated by now and only a few were scattered around either in tiny bundles or couples some alone too. While scanning the remains of what seemed like a stubborn monster a while ago she spotted a boy standing right in the middle of the diminutive desert of a parking

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lot. He stood straight yet he had a peculiar laziness to himself quite similar to her. With his hands stuffed inside his pockets he languidly paced around his bag and Hockey stick which were piled on the ground right besides him. She peered at him with observant eyes absorbing every drop of fantasy that his appearance provided. His head was heaped with a mass of half curly half wavy brown hair which crowned him beautifully. She gazed at them and deep down in the gossamer of her thoughts imagined her fingers sinking into them. She instantly felt them… soft and teasing against her finger tips and a chill ran down her spine. The sinister sunlight molded his whiskey brown eyes into tiny slit which slightly curved upwards whenever he smiled. His features had a delicacy to them and it felt as if God had made him with brilliant finesse… exhibiting his skill and flamboyance. A small mystifying smile touched the corner of his lips and suddenly he looked up at her. She was caught. She felt streams of sweat gliding down her chest and she instantly lowered her gaze rubbing her thumb against the palm of the other hand. Moments later she looked back at him and saw him standing staring at the ground. She longed for those eyes to look back at her and this time she decided to look back into them. He playfully kicked a pebble and raised his eyes to her… But this time it was him who directly dropped his eyes to the

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ground. He was shy And that bizarrely added another feather to his already mesmerizing collection. This boosted her buoyancy and she glued her eyes to him drinking in every move. Another look and another exhibit of modesty. How cruel God can be sometimes she thought to herself. Moments later a yellow bus purred into the parking lot setting off the dusty ground into shallow clouds. For the first time she moved her glance and peered at the bus. It was his bus. This meant he’d go away. A labyrinth of emotions settled inside her. He’ll go she wondered sadly. But I’ll see him tomorrow again that brought about anticipation. With the very same aloofness he picked up his bag and draped it over his shoulder Hockey stick in the other hand and rather swiftly walked towards the bus. Once inside she disowned him and started making circles in the sand beneath her feet with a firm yet dying straw. The End 22 – “The Earth Show” An idea for a Comedy-Adventure comic series. Param is an ambitious scientist who left his family business

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set up his private laboratory for space research. Though his family members father Ratan Talwar mother Sonam Talwar elder brother Sawan Talwar were against his wish to pursue a career where success rate has always been very low but they supported Param financially hoping that very soon after few failures he will understand his responsibilities. A Post Graduate girl Kaya who belongs to a middle class family is Param’s research assistant. Her knowledge is limited and she is here only for money. She manages the instruments papers other things in lab efficiently but she often messes up in experiments compilation related literary work. Param invents a ‘Beam-Wave’ which is much more powerful than existing radio waves other signal waves. It can cover a distance of 1/2 light year. Param encodes basic information about him earth and transmits/launches it into space. After 3 Months of its launch this wave is traced by an Alien Planet’s Haluwa’s highly developed Entertainment Industry which is facing saturation and viewers are demanding variety. Haluwaian Experts with the help of technology instantly decode the information and pass it on to Abe-Oye the big daddy of Entertainment Industry. He finds Param earth and way of living on earth amusing funny. Abe-Oye copies the wave and sends back more powerful

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continous waves which makes direct contact with Param’s and Kaya’s body. The waves sent by Haluwa were untraceable by earth’s devices and were designed to transmit Param’s Kaya’s body anywhere on earth along with providing them random Haluwa powers and weapons. The selection on where should Param and Kaya go on earth and the random powers/weapons they should be given to tackle the challenges was based on national polls on Haluwa Planet. Abe-Oye wanted to know the public response so he started an experimental mini TV series in which he sent Param-Kaya duo to 20 locations on earth. “If mini-series goes well...I will make a grand series with many more Params and Kayas in it.” He said to himself. After completion of every adventure it is deleted from the memories of every related person witness families and of course Param and Kaya. The basic info about new adventure place people tools etc is placed in their mind before every new adventure. Plus the income royalties from the show on Haluwa somehow reaches them in cash or kind all legal with the help of same miracle waves. The first poll result sends them to Bangalore where they are part of voluntary Civil Police maintaining law and order in

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the city facing a protest by nudists from all over the country. The End Author Notes: – There is a provision in Indian Constitution that after Police verification a citizen can help Police Force in maintaining law and order on permanent or temporary basis. This depends on the history and prevailing conditions of the area. 23 – “Fcuk Indian Police” A Father Inspector in Archives Radio Department A Son Sales Executive in a Private Company

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A Microphone Election Campaign Loudspeaker Speeches from a nearby ground ----------------X--------------------------X--------------------------X---- ------------------------ Father worked in Civil Police for about 30 years then authorities transferred him to ‘Nothing Department’ reduced the possibilities of timely promotions in future by putting a “Bad Entry” in his record. Reason – Scapegoatism Making him accountable for the mistakes of senior officers which is a common practice in India. People study labor for years to clear the top level Civil Services exams. Best of the best minds clear these exams then willingly become a part of Indian Dormant System to get their lifelong harvests. 6 year passed this transfer proved to be good for Father’s health as the nature of job is simple office timings are fixed unlike the hectic uneven unending job of Indian Civil Police. Due to shortage of Police personnel in the province Police Department is offering jobs of equivalent designation to senior experienced officers of allied Departments for a period of couple of year until next recruitment promotions reduce the shortage to a manageable extent. Surprisingly they also offered Police Inspector job to father who is 57 years old just 3 years short of

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retirement. Father is excited considering this as a golden second chance. On the other hand son wants his Father to decline this offer continue with the present easy job until his retirement which lead to this argument. Father – Civil Police is the best way to serve the society. Son – Then why don’t people in civil police serve the society Father – Many Police officers I know are doing whatever they can to help others. Son – The number is quite less compared to all the Police officers. Father – Basically it’s a personal choice for me my nation duties are right up there in my priority list. Microphone – We will clean the polluted system. Influential people will not use Police for their benefit. Son – Ha ha….. Father – I am not going to clarify the points of these campaign speeches or views. Son – They dumped you because of someone else mistake.

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The IPS Officer who was responsible was too respectable to be responsible. They can do this again. Father – Yes but 2-3 such incidences can’t overshadow the work I did satisfaction I got in almost 30 years of service. Microphone – We will recruit real men in Police who can serve society without taking bribes for their work. Son – Bastards Father – Relax I am a real man then. Hmmm My point is helping a poor victim or solving heinous crimes the ‘Thanks’ look by suffering families gives me immense satisfaction peace. Son – O Please Dad Whatever you do never counts or even when it counts your seniors take majority of credit. I saw you often working late at Night missing get-togethers parties because someone killed someone or Biker Gang looted a Bus etc….etc. People negatively generalize Police. Media almost always shows faults by Police even adding fictitious details to sensationalize their stories. Nature of this job sucks Father – Nature Is this a Management term for something I don’t understand Son – Nope Actually compare my job and your civil police

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job. Your duties responsibilities include the money factor lives of people factor. Like robberies murders security kidnapping etc…so if you analyze a case wrong or arrive at a crime scene late people can die. Mistakes errors in your job can be lethal for others yourself. In shootouts you fought with primitive rifles revolvers against semi- automatic weapons of criminals. Though number of people on your side saved you a few times. Now whatever wrong intentionally or unintentionally I do as a Salesman of this sports company I work for no one is dying. They can suffer a loss of few hundred Rupees that’s it. Majority of jobs are like mine. No newspaper or TV channel is showing that I am short of my sales target as only monetary factor is there but they will cover a “Bad Entry” with detailed report in your case. This world is all about being good on records. Ultimately thats how one gets satisfaction peace. Microphone – Fuck Police The End 24 - Good Bad Company

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Place: A Sacred fig Bharatpur Bird Sanctuary. Bharatpur Bird Sanctuary Keoladeo Ghana National Park in Rajasthan India is a famous avifauna sanctuary that sees thousands of rare and highly endangered birds such as the Siberian Crane come here during the winter season. Over 230 species of birds are known to have made the National Park their home. Little Sparrow - “Dad they are my friends. We do few things together and spend some time. At the end of the day I return to home. I have my mind family and life. It’s just a fraction of a day we are together. That too not on daily basis. Sorry I don’t understand your Good company- Bad company theory.” Daddy Sparrow – “Beti surroundings neighbours friends colleagues etc make a lifelong impact on almost all the creatures.” Little Sparrow – “No Papa I disagree....” Daddy Sparrow - “Alright I will explain this with the help of some practical examples. Go and chat with that group of ‘Asian Koels’ near the lake.” After Half an Hour. Little Sparrow – Daddy they are awesome birds. They knew so much about life karma and all. They are helping

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numerous old and injured Birds of this place. They gave me few herbs as a present. Daddy Sparrow – “Where do they come from” Little Sparrow – “Himalayas near the ashrams of Sadhus Yogis and Buddhist Monasteries.” Daddy Sparrow – “Good now similarly make friends with those stylish and funky migratory birds Greater Flamingos stationed at the other side of the lake.” Few Moments Later. Little Sparrow - “Ouch Daddy You knew everything They poked me everywhere snatched my herbs. They were constantly bullying abusing eve-teasing me and many other birds. They captured few nests beating the native birds..and...” Daddy Sparrow – “Oh And” Little Sparrow – “They were from those areas of Afghanistan with many terrorist camps and bases.” The End Author Notes:

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- A Sacred fig is a species of banyan fig native to Bangladesh India Nepal Pakistan Sri Lanka southwest China and Indochina. It is a large dry season-deciduous or semi-evergreen tree up to 30 m tall and with a trunk diameter of up to 3 m. - Beti Daughter. Hindi - Greater Flamingos are the largest member of the flamingo family and they are the most widespread. They stand at 1.5 m 5 ft tall they have a wingspan between 1.4 and 1.7 m 4.5 - 5.5 ft and they weigh up to 4 Kgs 8.75 lbs. They are pinkish white in colour but immature birds are grey before they get their full adult plumage. They have long pink legs with relatively small webbed feet and a very long neck. - "Eve teasing" is a euphemism used in South Asian Countries originated in India for public harassment street harassment or molestation of women by few percent of dirty men mostly offensive abusive insulting gestures verbal abuse etc with Eve being a reference to the biblical Eve.

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