Boundaries[1]

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Boundaries:

MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 1 Boundaries Presented by M urrieta V alley C ounseling S ervices (951) 813-5078

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 2 Boundaries What are boundaries? Why do I need them?

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 3 Boundaries Something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line. –dictionary.com Something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent. –Merriam-Webster.com

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 4 Boundaries Invisible parameters developed by an individual’s morals, values, beliefs, that are shaped by experiences established to guard/protect one’s mental and physical well being.

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 5 Boundaries What makes us ignore our boundaries? What skews our boundaries? What makes us live without boundaries?

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 6 Boundaries Self-Worth Negative value of one’s self, projected onto one’s self Example: “I am not worth it” Self-Esteem Negative perception of one’s self projected towards others Example: “I don’t know …….” Modeling Role Models Musicians, Actors, Artists, Athletes Caretakers Parents, Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Trauma Abuse Physical, Sexual, Emotional

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 7 Boundary Continuum of Boundaries OPEN------------HEALTHY-------------CLOSED

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 8 Boundaries OPEN Boundary Emotional Feels the emotions of others (internalizes others sadness, joy and pain) and takes responsibility of others emotions. Over sharing of emotions. Dependent on others in regards to emotional well being (co-dependent). Gives and takes in a manner that is excessive (emotional leech). Does not have respect for the rights of others. Physical Touches others without permission. Allows others to touch self even though the individual is uncomfortable. Does not have a form of physical space (arm out exercise).

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 9 Boundaries CLOSED Boundaries Emotional Disinterested in the feeling of others (emotional cut-off). Does not express or display emotions. Emotional needs are attempted only through self. Resistant to taking or receiving of emotions. Physical Rigid body posture. Uncomfortable with being touched and avoids touching and being touched. No affect (lack of emotional expression-Poker Face). Highly predictable behavior (schedule is a must, Inflexible).

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 10 Boundaries HEALTHY Emotional Is aware of one’s own emotion. Empathizes with others emotions while understanding and respecting that it is not their emotion to own. Respects one self (makes time for self). Effectively communicates thoughts and feelings. Resolution= (effective listening + effective speaking) compromise Physical Approachable (eye contact, smile, relaxed). Understands, recognizes and is comfortable with physical proximity of self and others (individual ends and other begins). Comfortable with giving and receiving of being touched.

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 11 Boundaries How do I develop my boundaries? How do I maintain my boundaries?

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 12 Boundaries Boundaries Perceive boundaries as the fence surrounding your home. Home is symbolic for the self. The fence is established to protect the home from intruders from within ourselves (defensive, criticism, stonewalling, contempt). In addition, the fence is placed to protect the home from others (abuse, trauma, intolerance). HEALTHY Boundaries are the invisible barriers that we have established to allow for a positive interaction within ourselves and others.

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 13 Boundaries Limits Warning signs that alert us to the potential that a boundary may be violated. Gut feeling Fight or flight Red Flags

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 14 Boundaries Rule of Thumb: For every 1 boundary develop 2 limits. Limits should be directly related to the boundaries. No more and no less then 5 boundaries. Boundaries should be somewhat broad but specific. Boundaries and Limits are expressed from a positive perspective.

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 15 Boundaries Examples Take time for myself (Boundary) Spend 30 minutes everyday reading (Limit) Exercise everyday for an hour (Limit) Respect myself and others (Boundary) Allow for positive statements from others (Limit) State 2 positive statements about myself (Limit)

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 16 Boundaries Unhealthy boundaries results in: CO-DEPENDENCY! UN-DIFFERENTIATED!

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 17 Boundaries Co-Dependency Tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Co-dependency can occur in any type of relationship, including: families, work, friendships, peer or community relationships. Co-dependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns. (Wikipedia)

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 18 Boundaries Co-dependent = losing of one’s personality Possible related pathology: Major Depressive Disorder Personality Disorders Generalized Anxiety Disorders Obsessive Compulsive Disorders Drug and/or alcohol dependence

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 19 Boundaries Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “ relationship addiction ” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior. © copyright Mental Health America

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 20 Boundaries Characteristics of Co-dependent Behaviors Are: An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment An extreme need for approval and recognition A sense of guilt when asserting themselves A compelling need to control others Lack of trust in self and/or others Fear of being abandoned or alone Difficulty identifying feelings Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change Problems with intimacy/boundaries Chronic anger Lying/dishonesty Poor communications Difficulty making decisions © copyright Mental Health America

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 21 Boundaries How Do Co-dependent People Behave? Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity. They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior. --© copyright Mental Health America ENABLING SYMPATHY

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 22 Boundaries How Do Co-dependent People Behave? The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships. -© copyright Mental Health America

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 23 Boundaries Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency 1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? 2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? 3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? 4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? 5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own? 6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home? 7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends? 8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be? 9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others? 10. Have you ever felt inadequate? 11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake? 12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts? 13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake? 14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts? 15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done? 16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss? 17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life? 18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help? 19. Do you have trouble asking for help? 20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them? © copyright Mental Health America

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 24 Boundaries Differentiation Murray Bowen (Bowen Family systems theory) A person with a well-differentiated "self" recognizes realistic dependence on others, but can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. (The Bowen Center)

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 25 Boundaries Differentiation A Healthy connection with one’s self and others with the actions of the relationships derived from a primary process of thoughts in lieu of emotions. Methodical Thinking versus Feeling

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 26 Boundaries Develop at least 1 boundary and 2 limits. ________________________ (Boundary) __________________________ (Limit) __________________________ (Limit)

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MVCS (951) 813-5078 Amil Alzubaidi 27 Boundaries Questions

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