Families of Addicts suffer loss

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FAMILY MEMBERS OF ADDICTS SUFFER LOSS.

Pamela J. Merten MS, LPC : 

Licensed Professional Counselor with Substance Abuse Specialty Authorization Living Your Design Life Coaching & Counseling www.livingyourdesign.biz 414-430-3122 Guest Presenter: Chaplain Philip Merten WI Lutheran Institutional Ministries Pamela J. Merten MS, LPC

Educate: Addiction & Codependency : 

Educate: Addiction & Codependency

Is alcoholism the only addiction that hurts familes? : 

Sugar/fat addiction, incl. eating disorders Drug addiction Workaholism Control addiction Religious addiction Anything that altars the mood of our loved ones hurts us. Is alcoholism the only addiction that hurts familes?

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Alcoholism {Addiction} is a family disease. This means. . . “the alcoholism {addiction} of one member affects the whole family and all become sick. Why? It happens because, unlike diabetes, alcoholism {addiction) not only exists inside the body of the addict, but is a disease of relationship as well. Many of the symptoms of addiction are in the behavior of the addict. The people involved react to his/her behavior: They try to control it, make up for it or hide it. They often blame themselves for it & are hurt by it. Eventually, they become emotionally disturbed themselves. (Alateen – Hope for Children of Alcoholics, page 6)

NAME THE ADDICT YOU LOVE : 

Your mom? Your dad? Your child? Your grampa? Your gramma? Your spouse? Your grandchild? NAME THE ADDICT YOU LOVE

Your losses . . . : 

Physical presence of your addict Emotional, mental presence of your addict Essence of the person you once knew Your time spent trying to help. Your loss of sense of self: pre-occupation with your addict MORE ??? Your losses . . .

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Frodo & the Ring: “My Precious” Before After

Addiction: Seduces minds, hearts & souls : 

Addiction: Seduces minds, hearts & souls

ADDICTION : 

Addiction began as a high or as an escape, as an illusion of being in control, but it turns on us. What results is a pathological relationship to a mood altering experience that brings about negative, life-damaging consequences. (Dan Smith) ADDICTION

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Addiction defined by the Apostle Paul: “For the good that I want to do, I do not do, but I practice the very bad that I do not want. (Apostle Paul: Romans 7:18-19)

Addiction is Cunning & Baffling : 

Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12) Addiction is Cunning & Baffling

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Alcohol dependence/alcoholism: psychological and/or physical need for alcohol – characterized by compulsive use, tolerance, and physical dependence manifest by withdrawal syndrome. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, potentially fatal illness characterized by tolerance and loss of control over the consumption of alcohol. DSMIV

Co-dependent/codependency: a point of empathy : 

Most psychologists define: Codependency as an inordinate & unhealthy compulsion to rescue & take care of people. Codependent as one who has let another person’s behavior affect him/her – and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. Rescuing, caretaking & controlling are the central characteristics of the problem. Other contributing factors as well: hurt, anger, guilt and loneliness. Codependents feel responsible for almost everybody & everything & feel guilty much of the time. Pat Springle; Melody Beattie Co-dependent/codependency: a point of empathy

Comments so far? : 

Comments so far?

The Process of Grief . . . : 

The Process of Grief . . .

My addict is gone.The holidays are coming. : 

My addict is gone.The holidays are coming.

and I FEEL . . . : 

Confused Angry Frustrated Devastated Enraged Sad MORE???? and I FEEL . . .

HELP! : 

HELP!

How do I start on the road to process all this grief ???? : 

How do I start on the road to process all this grief ????

Don’t sell yourself short… : 

Don’t sell yourself short… “I will never get over this loss.” “If I start to cry, I won’t be able to stop.” “My heart is permanently broken.”

The truth is… : 

The truth is… We CAN overcome grief and move on. That doesn’t mean that we will forget the good times or the person that has gone or the bad times. Our tears, rage, etc. WILL come to an end when we allow ourselves to express them. We may feel sad, enraged, etc. from time to time, but we will not be “THERE” permanently. Our hearts can be mended if we allow them to be healed properly!

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This helps . . . Find a safe person who is willing to listen to what you have to share. This will help with your processing for we are not meant to grieve alone. (Hire a therapist who understands addiction & the recovery you’ll need (codependent)).

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This helps . . . Be patient with yourself. Some days are better than others. There is no set time of when grief ends. Your grief is unique to you. God is not punishing you for something!!! Grief is not a sign of mental instability or weakness. To allow yourself to grieve is a sign of strength.

Feel Your Feelings . . . : 

Feel Your Feelings . . .

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Feelings! We have many of them after a loss. Let’s talk about their significance.

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Unprocessed feelings go inward, creating unhealthy patterns, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, rage, and ultimately a loss of a sense of self or feeling of numbness. What would happen if you don’t let your dog outside? He can hold it for so long, but . . .

I picture my feelings as Munchkins. A friend pictures hers as flowers. Feelings are our friends. ALL of them. Give them a chance to express themselves. : 

I picture my feelings as Munchkins. A friend pictures hers as flowers. Feelings are our friends. ALL of them. Give them a chance to express themselves.

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Processing feelings with someone who has the ability to listen to us, will help to start the release process that we need to complete our grief work.

Anger at self : 

Anger at self This is a big one, and one that must be dealt with if we want inner peace!

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We may not realize we have anger at ourselves until we start to express and process our feelings after a loss. Sometimes this anger is irrational and misdirected.

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“Anybody can become angry. That is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way- that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” -Aristotle

Sadness : 

Sadness Sometimes sadness will not come until we have processed our anger. At times anger is a tough front we put up that needs to be worked through in order to get to the sadness we have in our hearts.

Forgiveness: Chaplain Phil : 

Sometimes hurts from the past seem to block our way into the future. Forgiveness: Chaplain Phil

“Just forgive and forget and move on” : 

Works when the hurt is small or unintentional. But what about when the harm is severe and deliberate? What about when there’s no admission of guilt? What about when there’s no possibility of confronting the person who’s harmed you? “Just forgive and forget and move on”

What forgiveness is NOT! : 

Overlooking Excusing Quick: It’s a process. Minimizing or denying my pain and my worth Automatic trust, reconciliation, restoration: “I forgive you for your adultery” and “I’m divorcing you for your adultery” can go together! Something that can be demanded Guaranteed to make your anger go away What forgiveness is NOT!

What Forgiveness is. . . : 

Forgiveness is a gift. (whereas trust is earned) Costly, even painful Healing, relieving A gift freely given (not contingent on an apology) Something you have the authority to pronounce Something that may benefit the forgiver way more than the forgiven What Forgiveness is. . .

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“Holding onto a resentment is letting someone live in your head rent-free.” “Holding onto a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die.”

What helps? : 

Saying it out loud Putting it down on paper (a letter, sent or unsent) Praying for that person’s good Let God do what you can’t – “Father, forgive them…” What helps?

The stages of Grief: Kubler-Ross (On Death & Dying) : 

The stages of Grief: Kubler-Ross (On Death & Dying) Denial (this isn't happening to me!) Anger (why is this happening to me?) Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...) Depression (I don't care anymore) Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Types of Behavior associated with Grief. : 

Types of Behavior associated with Grief. Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation) Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss) Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)

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As we allow ourselves to experience loss, remember . . . Grief is not an event; it’s a process. Grief is as individual as those of us who feel it, and as varied as the circumstances of loss which occur. Grief, like so many other things in our complex lives, can't be reduced to a neat list with absolute definitions, timelines, strategies, goals, and completion dates.

May God Bless Your Grief : 

May God Bless Your Grief