expressing yourself in effective communication

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EXPRESSING YOURSELF :

EXPRESSING YOURSELF

Jenny & Mike’s Case:

Jenny & Mike’s Case Jenny: Would you like to have lunch at Pepe’s? Mike: No. I want to get back and mow the lawn. Jenny: You can do that later. Mike: No. I also have to clean the roof and the gutters, and I promised I’d help Steve with his computer. Jenny:Well, aren’t you the busy beaver? You never have time for us anyore. All you think about is work, work, work! Mike:That’s not fair. I’m doing it for us and Steve really needs my help. You are always nagging me about something. Jenny: All I was asking for was a little time alone with you. For your information, I’m starving! We haven’t eaten in seven hours. You Are always making such a big deal out of things.

What is the matter with this case?:

What is the matter with this case? Jenny didn’t send a whole message. ( If Jenny had expressed her feelings at the beginning as a whole, Mike wouldn’t have turned her offer.) It lacks some elements of disclosure, in a sense it is partial. The expression of her need contains contaminated message.

The crucial terms for expressing yourself:

The crucial terms for expressing yourself Whole message- partial message Parts of a whole message: Observation Opinion Feeling Needs Contaminated messages

When your message makes sense?:

When your message makes sense? Observation : What your senses tell you. Opinion : Basing on what you’ve heard, read or observed. You conclusions about what is going on and why? Feeling : Emotional response towards the case. Need : Expression of your want or thoughts

Slide 6:

Jenny: Would you like to have lunch at Pepe’s? Mike: No. I want to get back and mow the lawn. Jenny: you can do that later. Mike: No. I also have to clean the roof and the gutters, and I promised I’d help Steve with his computer. Jenny:Well, aren’t you the busy beaver? You never have time for us anyore. All you think about is work, work, work! Mike:That’s not fair. I’m doing it for us and Steve really needs my help. You are always nagging me about something. Jenny: All I was asking for was a little time alone with you. For your information, I’m starving! We haven’t eaten in seven hours. You Are always making such a big deal out of things. Jenny: Mike, it’s three o’clock and we haven’t a thing since 8 this morning. ( observation ) I think it is unhealthy to go so long between meals. ( opinion ) I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. I’m getting cranky, weak and tired . ( Feeling ) I’d like to go to Pepe’s to eat, relax and just talk for and hour ( Need )

Another case, (Boss- worker):

Another case, (Boss- worker) You’ve been late six times in the last two weeks.(observation) It makes me think that you are trying to work as little as possible.(opinion) The lateness irritates me (....................) and I want to be late no more than once a month.(need) Exercise p.37

Slide 8:

Don’t hesitate to express what you think, feel, need because, You are the expert on what you need. Nobody can read your mind. Needs are not judgmental, blaming Exercise on p.38

Contaminated messages:

Contaminated messages We people sometimes have tendency to express our needs in a destructive way and with negative emotions. Contaminated messages are NOT partial but are expressed covertly Since they are not straightforward and simple to understand, they cause misunderstanding, enstrangement and alienation.

Examples,:

Examples, You move like a snail! I think you’re acting like a little girl. Why don’t you act like a human for a change?

How to develop contaminated message to a whole message:

How to develop contaminated message to a whole message “I can’t believe you forgot my birthday again!” This is the third time you have forgotten my birthday.(obs.) I guess you don’t show enough interest in me or our relation anymore (opn.) I feel unimportant and hurt.(feel.) I would like you to acknowledge how important I am to you by celebrating my birthday with me. Exercise p.39-40

Twelve Pitfalls in Whole Messages:

Twelve Pitfalls in Whole Messages Expecting people to read your mind Postponing what you have to say Statements Masquerading as Questions Expressing Incongruence Sending Double Messages Showing Sarcasm Jumping from Topic to Topic Dragging Up The Past Accusing with “YOU” messages Using Global Negative Labels Making Threats Playing Adversarial Game

Examples:

Examples You, cry-baby! Always babbling like a baby. Don’t you think that you look so moronic. After trying out a new dress that your mother stitched for you with a great hope, you say “Just great! I feel like a ten year old girl now, thank you for feeling me younger than I am. (You’d like to go out very much) you ask: Are you hungry? Richard, nowadays I have very weird opinion about our relation but anyway..... Using Global Negative Labels Showing Sarcasm Statements masquerading questions Postponing What You Have to Say

Slide 14:

I love you, I hate you Yesterday we went on a picnic, there were a group of people who are playing football on the ground. Do you remember the matches we watched when we were at high school , our math teacher was so funny and I sometimes remember him and laugh his humorous anectodes. You didn’t answer my calls, you always do the same thing, you never take care of the people around you. You always make the same excuses, you.... If you complain about my suggestions anyone else, I am going to call your supervisor to tell we won’t able to work together Sending Double Messages Jumping From Topic to Topic Accusing with “YOU” messages Making Threats

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