asserting yourself

ASSERTING YOURSELF:

ASSERTING YOURSELF

COMMUNICATION STYLES:

COMMUNICATION STYLES PASSIVE COMMUNICATION AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

PASSIVE COMMUNICATION:

PASSIVE COMMUNICATION Main Features : Expressing yourself indirectly How: by frowning, crying, sighing etc. Expectation for others to guess what you want Your needs are in the second order. Difficult to ask for your want or to say “No” Keeping your point of view, feelings and needs in yourself Appearance: Speech: soft, vague, speak with pauses, “I mean”, “You know” Making eye contact is hard. ++: Minimizing your responsibility, eliminates the risks of taking a personal stand. ___: a sense of impotence, lowered self- esteem , the fact you have to live with the decisions of others.

Example: :

Example: In a shoe store- With a salesclerk Your new models are great. Although I don’t really need a pair of red high-heeled ones and urgently I should have rain boots instead, the shopping assistant was so persuasive in selling. I didn’t make myself seen so mean person to buy just a pair of new shoes. I can’t keep myself being so obsessed person to shopping Although I don’t really need it, and my depts are still increasing constantly.

AGGRESSIVE STYLE:

AGGRESSIVE STYLE Main Features: Easy to say your opinion, feeling and wants but you could reach at the expense of others’ rights and feelings. Sarcasm, humorous put downs, humilitating others. Use of “you” messages so often. Absolute terms: “never,always” Appearance: Vocal alternatives are so variable: “dead silence” to sarcastic remarks, screaming so on. Your face blushes, rigid gestures, point your finger, make a fist. +++: People often give you what you want in order to get rid of you. ___: endengers resentment, devious to aviod to confront with you, enemies may appear.

Example::

Example: In class- a student without a book and had a habit of forgetting it. “ You irresponsible! It has been months since the beginning of the term. I wonder when I see you with your course materials. If it goes on like this you will pay the deed .” I yelled at him. I got really nervous S/he would probably bring the materials then. S/he becomes too humiliated and won’t have so positive feelings towards me.

ASSERTIVE STYLE:

ASSERTIVE STYLE Clearly and fully defend your own opinions, feelings and needs. Using directly “I” statements while taking into account the rights and feelings of others. Consider the others’ point of view. Ask for what you want and set limits Give and receive compliments. Respond to critics and disagreements.

Three social situations::

Three social situations: I really want to discuss my political views about recent days without alienation. I want to ask my teacher that he should give us less homework than we used to have I would like to offer my homemate to share the stuff at home more equally.

HOW TO MAKE AN ASSERTIVE MESSAGE:

HOW TO MAKE AN ASSERTIVE MESSAGE Create an assertive statement Your perspective : Your message is necessary for you. Focus on it clearly and fully. Your feelings : Share your feelings with the person so that he understands how important it is. Pay attention opinion and feeling are quite different concepts.Less adversary What you want : Build up a very brief and specific sentence. Display how you own an opinion, feeling and want Appearance: Conveying an air of strength and empathy. Relaxed , well-balanced voice, firm gestures. Direct eye contact showing honesty and openness.

EXAMPLE:

EXAMPLE Mary: I realize that our house hasn’t been cleaned yet even though it is your turn this week. You know this week is so busy at work for me.I would like you to tidy it up before I get home tonight. Lee: Is it? Like you always do it up completely. I see that you didn’t do the laundry last week although it was your duty Mary: I admit I had completely forgotten it. I promise it won’t happen again. Will it change your mind to tidy the mess around the house. I will probably get very tired tonight and I would be very pleased if we can watch a film together in a neat house. I think equality at home will make us happier. OK, I understand you became so realistic in modern life conditions Yes, I am.

While sending an assertive message:

While sending an assertive message You can encounter criticism: Responding to criticism: You can acknowledge it You can cloud it You can probe it

Acknowledgement::

Acknowledgement: If the criticism is “constructive” : Feedback- improving yourself. E.g: a mistake: helpful for preventing future errors. No need for showing excuse or apology for it. + explanation (optional) Example: “You are right”, “Your opinion could be OK for me”

Clouding:

Clouding If the criticim is “destructive”, “manipulative” which you disagree Destructive: “you” messages, absolutes “always” Agreeing in part : You are always working. You think the world fall apart if you took a day off Yes, I do work a lot but......

Slide 14:

Agreeing in probability: “You could be right in a sense.” Agreeing in principle : A: If you don’t study more than you do, you are going to fail your classes. B: You’re right. If I don’t study, I will fail my classes.

Probing: :

Probing: Uncertain occasions about the criticism:Destructive or constructive? Example : -“ You are just not pulling your weight around here. Your work is half-completed.” -“What is it about my work that bothers you?”