fiqh of love:marriage in islam wrap-up

Class was over 30 hours of material aA; this is a fast-paced wrap-up : 

Class was over 30 hours of material aA; this is a fast-paced wrap-up Purdue MSA 11/18/10

Seminar Goals : 

Seminar Goals To honor marital life To understand the ‘fiqh’ of marriage and divorce; differences of opinions Give a picture of what marriage is like To become better husbands and wives ‘The best of you are the best to their families’

The Prophet as a Husband : 

The Prophet as a Husband The prophet expressed his love to his wives - when asked who loved the most said; Aishah, professed it, was not shy to say he loved her Spent time (quality time) with his wives - was the busiest man, but designated after ‘asr everyday to meet and talk and devote time to wives Was gentle and passionate - held the whole caravan to search for Aishah’s necklace Patient Faithful

Marriage in Islam : 

Marriage in Islam The prophet said; ‘the dunya is an illusion; the best of it is a righteous woman’ 030.021 And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. Ibn Abbas said; ‘if one night was left for me I would not want to die single’ The food you give your family is sadaqah, and the intercourse with your wife is sadaqah.

A garment : 

A garment “Permitted for you, during the night of the fast, that you approach your wives. They are your garments, and you are their garments” [al-Baqarah; 187]. Meaning of ‘libas’ or clothing; The closest thing to you, feel comfortable, protect your private parts, makes you look good, gives you warmth, you take care of your clothes (wash, fold, etc), they are a reflection of who you are, they fit you well, you surround each other, when without it are in need of it, cover your faults

Love in Islam : 

Love in Islam ‘hubb’ or ‘love’ in Arabic comes from the root word of seed, love is like a tree- need to water it; requires work and is not lip service. Love is a strong emotion Love comes with time

Protection and Purity in Islam : 

Protection and Purity in Islam 24.33; ‘But let them who find not [the means for] marriage abstain [from sexual relations] until Allah enriches them from His bounty.’ Advice on Establishing ‘afaaf; 1. Good companions, 2. guard senses (lower gaze), 3. fasting, 4. punishment of this world, 5. hereafter, 6. limits mixing, 7. don’t be alone with women, 8. Do not enter into woman’s only area w/o asking 9. Proper dressing 10. Dhikrullah 11. Marriage -> is a solution

Purposes and Goals of marriage : 

Purposes and Goals of marriage 1. Procreation2. Physical pleasure 3. Forming the Cornerstone of Muslim society 4. Companionship

Benefits of Marriage for; : 

Benefits of Marriage for; Men; - encourages better relationships between others – earn more money, more productive workers, - live longer – do less risky behaviors – less likely to be in drugs, alcohol Women; - higher income/lifestyle –married mothers are better off than single mothers – psychological benefits – lower risk of suicide

Choosing the right spouse : 

Choosing the right spouse The prophet said; ‘a woman is married for her religiosity, her wealth, her beauty. So go for the one who is religious, may your hands be filled with dust’ – nothing wrong in looking for beauty :) Know what you want, don’t just dream, don’t be so specific to isolate Make sure you care most about religion

Choosing the right spouse – cont’d : 

Choosing the right spouse – cont’d Look at character, loving, patient, modesty Look for someone who is a good match. It is possible that 2 good people are bad matches Close in religiosity and views as you if you want someone who is ‘super-religious’ or a ‘good person’, then be yourself good

What women look for… : 

What women look for… Hard-working Responsible Patient Sense of humor Generosity Respectful Easy going Leader Good communicator They smile Caring and loving, good companion Women love confidence! Women in class said; ideal age for man for marriage is 25

What men look for… : 

What men look for… Religious Good looking – beauty is in the eye of the beholder Caring Loving Patient Humble Respectful, thankful Simple girl in terms of needs (financial) Nice Younger than him (usually) Men in class said; ideal age for woman for marriage is 21-22 Looks are important

Choosing the right spouse – cont’d : 

Choosing the right spouse – cont’d Behavior and character Childbearing Virginity Beauty – no shame in looking for beauty, it is important Wealth – money is central Family lineage Love – love builds over time, but need that connection and that spark Imam said; ‘25% of divorce because not physically attracted to other person (as in sex)’

The hunt (/ing grounds) : 

The hunt (/ing grounds) Masjid, conventions, gatherings, MSA, sister’s friend, internet (be careful there are weird people on the internet – only go to paid muslim matrimonial sites like halfourdeen.com), college (#1 avenue for young generation) Do not reject immediately because a suggestion came from a parent, and do not feel forced by parents to accept. Bring topic up with your parents in stages

How do you get to know the person? : 

How do you get to know the person? 1. Ask who friends are – if close friends are good is a good sign 2. How do they spend free time? 3. Do they have high standards? 4. Ask about accomplishments 5. Meet the parents as soon as possible 6. Have an engagement period 7. Contract period before consummation 8. Make du’a & istikharah – ask Allah a lot 9. Consult others you trust Look for ‘red flags’ Fact: Marriage involves parents

Al-istikharah : 

Al-istikharah Istikharah – means seeking/requesting guidance in what is good You don’t make a decision based on istikharah; you don’t get a ‘feeling’ afterwards Allah does not choose for you, you choose and are accountable for it, you ask Allah to guide you

The engagement : 

The engagement Is a form of promise to get married Is when a person proposes to a woman or to her guardian for marriage – a promise given for marriage Not binding No formal script for engagement Reciting surat al-Fatiha not part of Sunnah

The engagement – cont’d : 

The engagement – cont’d Woman can entertain more than one proposal at a time, and man can propose to more than one at a time. A man cannot knowingly propose over another man’s proposal. – keeps muslim community clean of ill feelings. Woman can only accept or agree to one proposal at a time.

First impressions : 

First impressions The prophet said; if one of you proposes to a woman and he can see what would encourage him to marry her then he should do so. Big smile sends; I am confident, happy, enthusiastic, message of acceptance Start with a positive word (and be positive) Love at first sight is not always right; just because attracted doesn’t mean good match, but it still is important

Meeting your future spouse : 

Meeting your future spouse Must be in presence of mahram; proph. said; “ a man and woman should not be alone unless it is in the presence of her mahram” Imam said private conversations over phone, internet; OK if not inappropriate Meeting in a public place w/o mahram is not permissible unless it is by necessity or need.

Keys to magnetic likeability : 

Keys to magnetic likeability Be attentive to others Compliment people when appropriate Talk about others, not just yourself Tell others how good they are Don’t try to be someone you’re not Gifts like books, flowers, quran cd’s, ‘ilm are good. Not good gifts are perfume, lingerie, personal items.

10 Topics to discuss before marriage : 

10 Topics to discuss before marriage 1. Religion: what does it mean to be a religious person? 2. Children 3. Finances; type of lifestyle expect 4. Employment; traveling to another city, wife works outside or not? 5. Education; how far planning to continue, seeking islamic knowledge 6. The future; where do you see yourself in 5 yrs. 7. The past; what has made you better in from it 8. Habits and Hobbies 9. Health 10. Family; is your family religious or not. Expectations on family and parenting. Different cultures- how were raised.

Red flags : 

Red flags Controlling behavior Overly dependent on family Emotional stability Few long term friends Negative perception of life No shy-ness, doesn’t lower gaze Praise themselves too much Make fun of others People adjust but don’t change completely; some people don’t change

Breaking the engagement : 

Breaking the engagement Not recommended, unless have a good reason Don’t have to give back gifts, but may be a good idea Emotional consequences; move on Be careful of “rebound proposal”, don’t settle for less just because got rejected before. Don’t assume that; “he/she is the only one” <- this is true after marriage but not before! Or “I’ll never find another one like him”

Marriage/ Nikah : 

Marriage/ Nikah The word ‘nikah’ implies both the marriage contract and the sexual intercourse It is a contract of mutual agreement between a man and woman Marriage is highly recommended in Islam. 24.32; And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing. The prophet said; “O young men, whoever of you has the ability must wed.”

Integrals of Marriage Contract : 

Integrals of Marriage Contract Offer and acceptance Al-wali (the guardian) Mutual consent, publicize Free of hindrance If do not have marriage invalid

Offer and Acceptance : 

Offer and Acceptance Does not have to be in Arabic, but language should be explicit and understood amongst people involved. Can’t claim to be joking, can’t put conditions to be met in future (like your married to my daughter if you pass your exam). Deal has to be done on spot. Document date, written (not a requirement, but helps a lot). Written in a common language, full name, date of birth, status (if prev. married – ‘iddah date), dower amount, addresses, date, wali

Free of Hindrance : 

Free of Hindrance Men are allowed to marry Muslim, Christian or Jewish women only. Christian and jewish women are discouraged to marry. Women are only allowed to marry Muslim men. Forbidden to marry through blood relation, marriage relation, breast feeding relation Women cannot be in ‘iddah Cannot marry a woman and her aunt or sister at the same time Men can only marry 4 women maximum State of ihram

Al-wali (guardian) : 

Al-wali (guardian) Wali comes from word meaning love and support The proph. said ‘if any woman marries herself w/o the permission of her Wali, then her marriage is void, then her marriage is void, then her marriage is void.’ Wali is first the girl’s father or a man he appoints, or closest male relative on the father’s side if father is dead (grandfather, then uncle, then brother). Wali must be; muslim (majority say), sane, not being in state of ihram. Good for non-muslim parent to be involved though. In case of non-muslim father wali goes to leader (or respected member) of local muslim community If abusive muslim wali that rejects for no good reason, needs to be taken to imam to address

Wisdom : 

Wisdom Protector, someone who cares for girl can look at potential guy “man to man” Protects and connects the family Man know more and can investigate better other men than women can (guys know guys)

Witness and the publicity of marriage : 

Witness and the publicity of marriage The prophet said, reported in ‘bayhaqi’; ‘there is no marriage without a guardian and two just witnesses’ – slight weakness in narration, but should have, good to The prophet said; ‘make the marriage well-known and public’, and ‘announce the wedding’ Can play duff (drum) at wedding, sing, no mixed dance parties though …

The dower (al-mahr) : 

The dower (al-mahr) The right of bride only Is what is given to the bride by the groom with the intention for marriage Obligatory to give, but not part (integral) of the marriage contract Dower must have a value that can be delivered (not ‘the stars’ or ‘my love’...). Only when have nothing can dower be intangible (like teach Quran). Mahr can be divided and given over time Entitled to mahr after consummation of marriage Extravagant dowers are bad practice.

Mutual Consent : 

Mutual Consent Cannot force anyone to marriage, marriage becomes invalid

If integrals are not met, marriage becomes invalid immediately : 

If integrals are not met, marriage becomes invalid immediately Can put preconditions in marriage contract as long as halal and agreed upon (strongest opinion)

Wedding : 

Wedding To publicize marriage The prophet said; ‘ A wedding must have a feast’ Even if poor and have one sheep Have a duff (drum) singing and dancing Eat and drink but not to extravagance Don’t do haram things at wedding (like miss prayer!)

Wedding Night : 

Wedding Night Establish emotional connection with wife Talk to her about future life together Give gifts For women first time can be uncomfortable go slowly, be gentle

Marital Life : 

Marital Life “Men don’t worry about anything until get married, women worry before marriage, but not after” Sheikh Waleed: “Women are more advanced than men”

Diff. between men and women : 

Diff. between men and women Male Focus on results Status & Power Visually stimulated Care about solving problems Focus on one possible solution at a time Can separate problems Memory connected to physical; numbers, color Male are tunnel vision like hunters; lock on and go after Women can detect your emotions Men care about effectiveness, utility Men ask do you understand? Female Focus on process, feeling Love & attention, want security Emotionally stimulated Care about working together on problems Brings multiple possible solutions for one problem Brings all problems together, can’t separate as well Memory connected to emotions Women are nurtures look at broad perspective, focus on details, care about process, harmony, love, sharing Women care about feeling Women ask how do you feel?

50 things you need to know about marital relationships : 

50 things you need to know about marital relationships Highlights; Great relationships need work Don’t treat your wife like a fly, give focused attention Marriage will not make you happy! Happiness comes from Allah, He gives it to those who work for Him The sacrifices in marriage pay back in your reward People change Marriage can stay fresh Spark of a new relationship should start a fire http://www.qwasat.org/2010/10/15/50-things-everyone-needs-to-know-about-love-and-marriage/

5 languages of love : 

5 languages of love 1. Words of affirmation 2. Acts of service 3. Physical Contact 4. Gifts 5. Quality Time Don’t just focus on one; women need all of the above

Sex and intimacy in Islam : 

Sex and intimacy in Islam Allah refers to intercourse in the Quran in 10 different ways Between spouses it is pure and halal, and the prophet said it is an act of charity Default ruling everything is permissible except what is impermissible Men have a greater sex drive on average Women need to be warmed up emotionally to be ready physically Women view sex more as an emotional connection, for men is a physical need. Takes women 20 minutes to be ready to have sex through loving words, kissing etc. Talk about sex does not leave between the spouses. Impermissible to have sex when; period, post-natal bleeding after childbirth, in anus

Rights of spouses : 

Rights of spouses And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. 2.228 Wife; to be provided for financially Women need 5 A’s; attention, affection, appreciation, assurance, and acceptance, Husband; to be answered when call in bed, leadership in household, obedience in what is fair and just

Divorce : 

Divorce More details rules probably don’t have time for

What women need to know about men? : 

What women need to know about men? 1. Men need respect, a man would rather be single than be with a woman that doesn’t show respect 2. Men are created to protect and provide 3. Sex; very very important for men; women should beautify themselves for them and be into it 4. Men are visually attracted; it’s the way they are created 5. Men do like romance too 6. Beauty is in the eye of beholder

What men need to know about women : 

What men need to know about women 1. Women need reassurance, over and over again, that they are loved, physical reassurance that do not revolve around sex, companionships 2. Men and women think differently (women are great multi-taskers – broad spectrum, men compartmentalize and focus) 3. Women need emotional security 4. Women need a partner to listen with care and attention; they want a friend (men and women talk for different reasons; one to share info, the other to develop emtl cnctn) 5. Being intimate is more an emotional connection for women 6. Women love to feel beautiful – continually reassure them - Have eyes only for wife