Mommy where do OLAP databases come from - Story Final - Fixed for Ba

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Mommy, where do OLAP databases come from?:

And other question you never cared to ask ~ The Movie ~ Mommy, where do OLAP databases come from?

Mommy and little Timmy share a moment.:

Mommy and little Timmy share a moment.

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Mommy, where do OLAP databases come from?

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This baby’s been playing soccer with my bladder for 8 ½ months from the inside and now you’re squeezing it from the outside. Timmy, can’t you just go out play in traffic? It’s rush hour you know?

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If I weren’t a tiny, twisted, mono-maniacal data fiend planning to take over the world, that would have hurt my wittew’ feewings’ .

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You’re funny Mommy!

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Mommy’s already asked you not to touch her, or speak to her or even look at her until after your replacement … er … I mean your sister is born.

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Seriously, gives me the 411 on the OLAP, before I has to smack you up Mommy.

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Oh my little demon seed, I bet I know who has time to explain this to you.

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That “uncle Steve” guy who comes around when Daddy’s gone?

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Ixna ona etha Unclea eveSta, ImmyTa!

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Not uncle Steve. Somebody who never does a thing around here. Somebody whose a big, worthless, steaming pile...

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…I get it. I’ll go ask Daddy.

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Remember, Daddy lives in the 1950’s, so wear black and white when you go see him, my little succubus.

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I wuv u Mommy!

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Whatever.

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Daddy, Mommy’s too pregnant to answer my question. Do you have time for me?

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#1. Daddy’s always got time for you, o’ alleged but not scientifically verified fruit of my loins.

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#2. You know your Moms not really pregnant right? You know that thing in her belly? It’s her parasitic twin.

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Let’s just keep that between us boys O.K.? OK, Daddy.

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Here’s what I’ve been dying to ask you. Daddy, where do OLAP databases come from?

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Humans actually invented OLAP databases because we needed them to feed to these powerful, mythical, rare creatures that stalk the earth.

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Wanna know what we call these creatures Timmy?

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I think so.

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Are you sure?

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Er…I’m not so sure!

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Well, it’s yes or it’s no. I need your answer right now!

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No pressure!

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No definitely not!

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Too late!

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No, Daddy, no!!!

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…WE CALL THEM!!!…

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…Executives!!!

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Dang. I wet my bloomers some. Daddy, should I be scared of Executives?

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Eh, a little. Yeah.

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Wanna see a picture of one?

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I think so.

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Are you sure?

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Er…I’m not so sure!

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Well, it’s yes or it’s no. I need your answer right now!

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No pressure!

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No definitely not!

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Too late!

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No, Daddy, no!!!

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Simulated Executive Image. Actual audio of an Executive talking in his sleep.

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I’m real scared

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Relax son. Executives are pretty much just like you and me…

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…Except they hire someone to put their pants on one leg at a time…for them.

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…Except they hire someone to put their pants on one leg at a time…for them.

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But seriously, people need executives to create strategic plans for business and IMPORTANT STUFF.

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Wanna see the IMPORTANT STUFF Timmy?

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Sure, why not?

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Are you sure?

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Yup. The other stuff wasn’t that scary, I was just kind of playing along.

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Well, it’s yes or it’s no. I need your answer right now!

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No pressure!

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Seriously, I’ve already said it’s O…

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Uh, OK. IMPORTANT EXECUTIVE STUFF…coming right up!

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I don’t get it. Oh wow son, I’m beginning to doubt you’re an evil genius at all.

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OLAP databases are one of the ways that companies see specific measures of their performance. This performance information is then used for all kinds of stuff….

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…to set goals for future business cycles, as a basis for employee pay and bonuses, to report to regulatory bodies…and very importantly to try and predict the future.

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Why can’t we just get these specific measures from the OLTP databases. Why do we need more OLAP databases?

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I can answer that question in one word, my dark little serpent…

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Wanna know what that word is?

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No, in fact, I've got a question for you!

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Are you sure?

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Can you just shoot me?

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Well, it’s yes or it’s no. I need your answer right now!

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No pressure!

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Now, which of us is the child?

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Too late!

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The word is….

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…..Aggregates!!!!

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You’re right, it’s not funny any more.

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It wasn’t funny the first time.

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OLTP databases are capable of fairly sophisticated reporting, but Aggregates are what OLAP databases are designed to do.

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I think it will help if we start with a little comparison of OLTP vs OLAP databases.

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Start Technical Slides Here!

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Thanks Daddy I think I get most of it. I’ll google rest!

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OK Son. You’re Mom and I have a surprise for you.

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I thought you guys hated each other.

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Don’t be silly Timmy…

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Of course we do!

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But we still got you a surprise!

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Wanna know what it is Timmy?

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Yes Daddy, oh yes.

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Are you sure?

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Daddy, c’mon!

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Well, it’s yes or it’s no. I need your answer right now!

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No pressure!

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You’re killin’ me.

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Too late!

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Dad!

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…Why don’t you!!!…

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…Go see your Mom!!!

Oh Mommy, what’s my surprise?:

Oh Mommy, what’s my surprise?

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Remember when I said you were gonna be replaced by your sister?

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Vaguely, I was a bit distracted by the mechnical hum coming from your belly.

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What a minute!

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Mechanical hum coming from your…

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…belly?

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…and isn’t Uncle Steve?…

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…that’s right son. Uncle Steve’s the worlds only Cybernetic Organism Implantation Ninja.

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So in your belly?

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Yep. Wanna see the ultrasound.

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More than anything in the world Mommy! More than anything in the world.

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Well, to start with…

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…you can stop squeezing my bladder.

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I wuv u Mommy!

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Whatever.

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Cast: Little Timmy: iSpeech English Female (United Kingdom) Mommy : iSpeech English Female (United States) Daddy: iSpeech English Male (United States)

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Cast: A special thanks to Uncle Steve.

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“Mommy Where Do OLAP Databases Come From?” Written and Directed by Dr. Larry Pengood. ©

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