He Said, She Said Communication and Gender: He Said, She Said Communication and Gender Rebecca Leonard, Ph.D Department of Communication NC State University


Gender and Sex: Gender and Sex Sex is a designation based on biology Gender is socially and psychologically constructed


Gender: Gender Neither innate nor necessarily stable Acquired through interaction in a social world Changes over time We are born male or female We learn to be masculine or feminine


Gendered speech communities: Gendered speech communities Labov defines a speech community as existing when a group of people share a set of norms regarding communicative practices


The lessons of child play: The lessons of child play We can gain insight into how boys and girls learn norms of communication by observing them at play Boys and girls learn how to talk and how to interpret what one another says during play Young children almost always play in sex-segregated groups and play different kinds of games


Boys games: Boys games Are competitive, have clear goals, include physically rough play, and are organized by rules and roles Little need to discuss how to play Individuals status depends on standing out, being better, and dominating other players Engage in more heckling, storytelling, interrupting and commanding Usually involve fairly large groups


Boys communication rules: Boys communication rules Use communication to assert your ideas, opinions, and identity use talk to achieve something Use communication to attract and maintain others’ attention Use communication to compete for the 'talk stage,' Make yourself stand out; take attention away from others and get others to pay attention to you


Girls’ games: Girls’ games Tend to play in pairs or in very small groups Do not have preset, clear-cut goals, rules, and roles Players talk among themselves to decide what they’re doing and what roles they have Lack of stipulated goals cultivates an interest in the process of interaction Girls have to cooperate and work out problems by talking


Girls Communication Rules: Girls Communication Rules Use communication to create and maintain relationships. The process of communication, not its content, is the heart of relationships Use communication to establish egalitarian relationships with others. Don’t outdo, criticize, or put others down. If you have to criticize, be gentle Use communication to include others – bring them into conversations, respond to their ideas Use communication to show sensitivity to others and relationships


Feminine Speech: Feminine Speech Communication is a primary way to establish and maintain relationships with others – 'RAPPORT' Talk IS the essence of relationships: foster connections, support, closeness and understanding Equality between people is important


Feminine Speech: Feminine Speech Show support for others – attention to the relationship level of communication Conversational maintenance work Inclusivity – responsiveness Personal, concrete Tentativeness


Masculine Speech: Masculine Speech Communication is a way to exert control, preserve independence, entertain and enhance status – 'REPORT' Use talk to establish and defend personal status and ideas by asserting themselves, telling jokes and stories, or by challenging others


Masculine Speech: Masculine Speech Speak to exhibit knowledge, skill or ability Avoid personal disclosures Instrumental Conversational command Direct, assertive


Gendered Communication Practices: Gendered Communication Practices 'Communication between men and women can be like cross cultural communication, prey to a clash of conversational styles.' Deborah Tannen


Gendered Friendships: Gendered Friendships Commonalities in Women’s and Men’s Friendships both women and men value intimate same-sex friends both agree on basic qualities of close friendships: intimacy, acceptance, trust and help what women and men want in friendships: trust, intimacy and instrumental assistance


Gender-linked patterns in friendship: Gender-linked patterns in friendship Communication is central to women friends; activities are primary focus of men’s friendships Talk between women friends tends to be expressive and disclosive, talk in men’s friendships generally revolves around less personal topics


Gender-linked patterns in friendship: Gender-linked patterns in friendship Men assume a friendship’s value and seldom discuss it; women are likely to talk about the dynamics of their relationship Women’s friendships generally appear to be broader in scope than those of men


Women’s Friendships: Closeness in Dialogue: Women’s Friendships: Closeness in Dialogue Women use talk to build connections Women exchange information about their daily lives and activities Talk tends to be personal and disclosive Talk tends to be expressive and supportive Talk has explicit focus on the relationship They state affection explicitly Talk has breadth


Men’s Friendships: Closeness in Doing: Men’s Friendships: Closeness in Doing Men express closeness through action and activities rather than talk Women look for confidants; men for companions Men’s friendships are instrumental; men like to do things for people they care about Men use 'covert intimacy' – joking, razzing, teasing


Friendships Between Women and Men: Friendships Between Women and Men Offer unique challenges and opportunities for growth Difficult not to see each other in sexual terms Sex segregation in society Different speech communities


Opposite-Sex Friendships: Opposite-Sex Friendships Each partner has something unique to offer the friendship Women provide personal support Men offer activities to increase closeness Women benefit from friendship that is more fun; companionship less emotionally intense Men benefit from access to emotional and expressive support Both sexes seek women friends in time of stress; both women and men more comfortable self-disclosing to women


Developing Romantic Intimacy: Developing Romantic Intimacy Differences in what 'love' means For men love is more active, impulsive, sexualized and game playing For women love is more pragmatic and friendship focused Women are expected to assume the role of 'relationship expert' In lesbian couples this responsibility is mutual In gay couples not likely to have it as much


Expressing Care: Expressing Care Women create and express closeness through personal talk and instrumental actions; men on instrumental activities To many men, intensely personal talk feels intrusive, not loving These mismatched views cause misunderstandings, hurt and dissatisfaction


Misunderstandings in Romantic Relationships: Misunderstandings in Romantic Relationships Women learn to use talk to build and sustain connections with others Men learn that talk is to convey information and establish status 'Given these distinct starting points, it’s not surprising that women and men often find themselves locked into misunderstanding.' Julia Wood


Misinterpretations Between Women and Men: Misinterpretations Between Women and Men Showing support 'Troubles talk' The point of the story Relationship talk Public speaking


Androgyny: Androgyny From the Greek words andros, meaning man and gyne meaning woman A comfortable mix of traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine gender qualities


Misunderstandings Between Women and Men: Misunderstandings Between Women and Men Women and men who are androgynous are more flexible and able to comfortably engage in both styles Becoming 'bilingual,' understanding one another’s styles and better at interpreting them


“I see communication as a huge umbrella that covers and affects all that goes on between human beings. Once a human being has arrived on earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him.”- Virginia Satir: 'I see communication as a huge umbrella that covers and affects all that goes on between human beings. Once a human being has arrived on earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him.' - Virginia Satir