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Going through divorce can be devastating! You don’t know how, you don’t know why this has happened with you… This deep feeling of hurt just doesn’t want to disappear… It probably turned your world upside down, you are confused and wonder how to gain back your peace of mind. You might feel that nobody can understand your pain, however almost everybody who goes through divorce experiences this loneliness. Something similar like grief. Something, some very important and personal part of your life has lost. You might not see at the moment, but you can recover from this depressed or raging state of mind and get back your calm even though some sorrow might accompany your memories. How can you help yourself and make it faster and more complete? It might be hard to deal with the painful memories, but the more you understand what and why have happened the more you can get to a real closure. In addition you can be more prepared for a new chapter of your life! Let’s begin!
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Grief If we lose something important; we feel deep sorrow; we are grieving. Although everyone has a special, unique way of grieving, some experiences are common: grief has stages. There are more classifications but the more popular one is the 5 phase of grief: 1: DENIAL – “It cannot be true. It cannot happen with me!” 2: ANGER – “How can you do this to me? I’m angry with you!” 3: BARGAINING – “I would do whatever it takes to turn it around!” 4: DEPRESSION – Deep sorrow, feeling of loss. 5: ACCEPTANCE – Building up new life, new customs, habits without the lost one. Sometimes the feelings are coming in waves, you can go back and forth between phases, or you can skip one; there are no strict rules. You probably would not forget, but after a while you can expect the emotions become tamed and you can settle down with your memories. If you want to “spare” the pain of grieving, you might get stuck somewhere. Recovery comes by working yourself through the painful emotions.
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The reasons Understanding what and why has happened might lessen the pain! Decrease self-esteem problems e.g.: easier to accept that you had different priorities than thinking that you are not attractive enough! Knowing the main reason of divorce helps you to prevent it in the next relationship! Where were the main problems? Priorities, values? Authoritarian, democratic style? Likes, dislikes? Open or closed style of thinking? Communication styles? Acceptance? Unresolved conflicts? Activities, structures? Boundaries? Workload sharing? Control issues? Child rearing concepts? Trust? Finances? Attachment types? Symmetric – hierarchic relationship Interest? preferences? Tempo, rhythm? Others?
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Independence You probably have tried already the hardness of financial independence, but I am speaking about the independence of your mind and soul. You might feel that you cannot enjoy things alone, but I’d like you to revise this opinion ! Why would you need anyone to enjoy a play in the theater? Why would you need anyone to enjoy a big walk around the lake, or in the woods? Why would you need anyone to sing along with the band in a concert, or sink in a good book? Think about what are your favorite activities and engage in them! Take responsibility of your life and make it happy for yourself! Your happiness cannot be dependent of someone else’s behavior! Make a list, what would make your life meaningful, and create it for yourself! Extra advantage: people are attracted to content, happy persons. Paradox: if you can be balanced in yourself – you probably would not stay alone for long!
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Self-esteem I know divorce can ruin people’s self-esteem. You might blame yourself, you might think you are failed. Not so! Something in the relationship went wrong – might not be the whole relationship only some aspect of it! This is not the whole you as a person! Make a list about your good personality traits! Make a list about what you are good at! Make a list what your friends like in you! (Why are they your friends? Ask them! Write down the answers!) Ask your coworkers what they like in you! Ask your boss what s/he likes in you! Notice every little achievement and/or effort you made, and praise yourself for it! Make a custom to name daily 3 good things that you have made! Treat yourself as you would like your loved one to treat you! Make a huge “Thought Cleaning”: chase away every negative thought about yourself. If they come back; send them away again! Give your body good health, as good shape as possible and respect it as it is! Exercise helps breaking down stress hormones too!
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Social support The more depressed you are, the less you want to meet people, is it right? You don’t have to force it every time, but sometimes you do. Keeping up social connections are essential for well being. It works against depression and isolation, it helps to keep your sanity, maintain or improve self-esteem, share the emotional burden of the situation and so on. It is important even if it is hard sometimes. Think about the different level of support: Which family member is empathetic enough to help you now? Who can be your confident friend with whom you can talk about your pain? Who can be in the less confident circle of friends with whom you can spend time? Whom you can join for common activity (gym, book club, volunteering)? Be cautious in your choice: the last thing you want now people hurting your feelings even more. Avoid energy draining people with negative attitude. Be careful about confidence; tell sensitive things only to reliable friends. Wishing you the very best! Zita Fekete, Copyright 2011 http://SoundSoulCounseling.com