Parenting Challenges...useful ideas

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The presentation runs through in bullet points the main questions of parenting like: attachment, attachment parenting, trust, self-esteem, encouragement, praise, respect, listening, talking, I-messages, cooperation, structure, limits, boundaries, control, independence, discipline, mistakes, and sensitivity.

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By: sanjeevpandya (7 month(s) ago)

please send me this ppt drarjunkumar@rockwetmail.com

 
By: SoundSoul (7 month(s) ago)

Dear Sanjeevoandya, I tried to send the ppt to the addres you've left here, but it came back with Mailer-Demon, that "Sorry, I couldn't find any host named rockwetmail.com. (#5.1.2)" Give another email and I send it to you! Thanks for your interest! Zita

 
 

By: winnersenglish (14 month(s) ago)

excellent information thank you very much winnersenglish@gmail.com

 

By: SoundSoul (17 month(s) ago)

Thank you! I'm so happy that you liked! I switched to allow download! Good luck with the kids! Zita

Presentation Transcript

…useful ideas: 

…useful ideas Parenting challenges…

Attachment: 

Attachment Babies are born with complex innate capacity to bond. Parents have to provide them with that bond. Type of Attachment (established in the 1 st year, flexible later) Secure Attachment (distress at separation, comfort at reunion, relationship is the secure base for exploration) Insecure, Ambivalent (distress at separation, ambivalent at reunion, not secure in the relationship, preoccupied, “clingy”) Avoidant ( looks like indifferent, but stress signs are high at separation, no eye-, body-contact at reunion, no signs of bonding) Disorganized (characteristics of abused or neglected children, approach and escape is present in the same time)

What is your Attachment Style?: 

What is your Attachment Style? Secure attachment is the best base for further development. Our first attachment style influences our later relationships. But, it is: Flexible Correctable Not necessarily the same with everyone Not necessarily stable in time. What was your Attachment Style with your parents? What is your Attachment Style with your partner? What are your children Attachment Styles to you?

Attachment Parenting: 

Attachment Parenting 8 principles Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting Feed with Love and Respect Respond with Sensitivity Use Nurturing Touch Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally Provide Consistent and Loving Care Practice Positive Discipline Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

Trust: 

Trust When the caregiver answers for the baby’s cry predictably and appropriately – with food, with comfort, what’s necessary – the baby perceives the world like good, which is able to fulfill it’s need. Consequently trust in the “goodness of the world” is forming. If the caregiver doesn’t respond or not appropriately, the baby feels the world is not good, it doesn’t fulfill it’ s need, and s/he is not worthy enough to respond to her/his cry for help. Later the feeling of trust is less general and connected more to persons. Responding sensitively, with understanding and acceptance for the child’s need is the main ground of establishing trust.

Self Esteem: 

Self Esteem At first children don’t have picture about themselves, they see themselves with their parents eyes. What the parents state about them – or think and act unconsciously - is the truth for them. If you love the child and show him/her; s/he feels loveable. If you appreciate his/her effort; s/he feels valuable. If you have faith in the child; s/he feels capable. If you are patient about his/her errors; s/he feels unconditionally loved and s/he doesn’t have to be perfect, or s/he doesn’t have to achieve for love. If you listen to his/her feelings; s/he feels worthy for attention. Show your love by: Saying it Spend time with your child Guide behavior with respect Show love through touch

Encouragement: 

Encouragement Encouragement helps children to learn in believe in themselves. It notices effort and improvement. It shows that you accept the child. It doesn’t ask for perfection. Language: “You seem to like that.” “I appreciate your help.” “You are really making progress.” Praise Praise is a reward. It is given for achievement. It can be judgmental. It can cause insecurity by: “What if I cannot achieve what I am expected to?” Language: “You’re such a good kid!” “I’m proud of you!”

Respect: 

Respect Respect shows love and gives a model to follow. It is the base for every relationship. Treat your child as you treat your best friend. You can respect yourself with: Develop your own interest Knowing what you are good at Notice effort not accomplishment Be positive about yourself Mistakes are OK Have time for yourself Know that you are worthwhile because of you You can respect the child with: Being considerate; value, considerate feelings Appreciate what’s special Support your child’s interest Give choices Help to learn from mistakes Show respect yourself

Listening: 

We all really strive for (not only children): understanding! Listen for feelings! Doesn’t help: Helps: -Denial of feelings -Listening with full attention -Philosophical Response -Acknowledge with “Hm!”, “Oh” -Advice -Giving name: “hurt” “angry” -Questions -“Reflective listening”: -Defense of the other person (state what you’ve heard) -Pity -Giving the wish in fantasy -Amateur Psychoanalyst -Responding with empathy Feelings need to be ACKNOWLEDGED as they are . (“I see you’re mad.”) Feelings don’t have to be agreed upon – still have to be acknowledged! Actions, expressing feelings; can be corrected – according to social rules. Listening

Talking – for listening: 

Talking – for listening When you communicate your feelings using “You-messages”, it often puts down, blames, or nags: “You should know better!” Children may feel worthless, fight back or stop listening. If you use “I-messages” it tells how you feel when your rights are ignored, it shows respect, it focuses on you not the child, it doesn’t blame, judge or label. Tell what is happening. (“When I see hitting…”) Tell how you feel. (“…I feel worried…”) Explain why you feel that way (“…because someone get hurt!”) Avoid angry “I-messages” – children feel blamed when you are angry, state the original feeling instead. (“I was scared when I haven’t seen you! Please stay close!”) Send friendly I-messages too! (“I love how you made that homework all by yourself!”)

Cooperation: 

Doesn’t help: Instead: Blaming and Accusing Describe : -what you see Name-calling -the problem Threats Commands Give information : Why is it problem? Lecturing and Moralizing Why you want that way? Warnings Say shortly, simply what you want Martyrdom Statements Comparisons Talk about your feelings Sarcasm with I-messages Prophecy Write a note to the kid about what you want (These damage Self-Esteem, and leave bad feelings) Cooperation

Structure – Limits - Boundaries: 

Structure – Limits - Boundaries All of them necessary for feeling secure. Flexible but predictable structure of the day makes it easy to follow for children. The more it becomes routine, the less difficulties it creates. Limits are necessary in social life. If you let your kid behaving annoyingly for others, they would not like him/her, his/her social status is in jeopardy. Boundaries provide security for kids. It creates predictability what they can do with others and what others can do with them. Don’t worry about looking old-fashioned or authoritative! Being bossy, bully, or indifferent about the others feelings is not the same as requesting your own rights! You can make it in a friendly way.

Control: 

Control None like to be controlled, children like freedom of choice as well. Too much control can make them non-cooperative. Think consciously what is necessary to ensure: safety, health (mental too) and others interest. If the child’s behavior doesn’t risk any of them, let it go! If for safety, health or other’s interest you have to control something, control the environment instead of the child. (E.g. take away breakable vase…) If you really have to control the child, a true explanation can help to accept it.

Independence: 

Independence The final goal for child rearing is helping them to become independent adult. Encouraging independency is the way of development. However: First comes the need for dependency, and if this need is satisfied, then comes the need for independency. Hurrying independency hits back with overdependence! Adjust your expectation to the age level! “NO stage”-s are the first steps towards independence: “I am not you, I am not doing things in your way.” (Unspoken: “Even if I don’t know yet how to do it in my way. – Please help me figure it out!”) They are frequent especially in toddlerhood, and adolescence. Be aware: this is not against you, not personal! Support finding their unique way of doing things!

Discipline: 

Alternatives Punishment -Pointing out the way to be helpful -Creates distraction which -Expressing strong disapproval prevents the child to think (without attacking character) about what s/he had done. -Stating your expectation -Showing how to make amends -Causes feelings of hatred, -Giving choice self-pity, unworthiness -Taking action -Allowing to experience the -Causes revenge fantasies consequences of misbehavior Discipline Problem Solving 1:Talk about the child feelings and needs! 2:Talk about your feelings and needs! 3:Brainstorm together and find mutually agreeable solution! 4:Write down all ideas without evaluation! 5:Decide which plan you like and follow through!

Pros and Cons of the “Crying Out” Method : 

Pros and Cons of the “Crying Out” Method The method that let the babies cry out for long and let them learn how to soothe themselves based on the learning theory that states: we are not more than learning machines. If we reinforce one behavior, it repeats itself. It is partly true: humans are amazing learners. On the other hand we are way more than learning machines: we have instincts and innate capacities and needs too. If you let a baby alone crying you might teach him/her that there is no worth to cry because none come to soothe her/him, so it simply stops crying – but the other hand the baby LOOSEs : the Secure Attachment probably for Avoidant type the trust that the world is good and fulfill the baby’s need the self-esteem that says: “I’m worth for answering my cry” … You decide what’s more important: being able to gain comfort alone from very early on (which is not the human nature but convenient for parents), or have the ability to maintain balanced relationship, shaping trust and building Self-Esteem?!

Mistakes : 

Mistakes Babies have only needs to satisfy, crying is the way of communication. Responding to communication and satisfying needs is certainly not spoiling anyone. In later childhood if we have no age appropriate expectation to the child or don’t require its fulfillment, then we can spoil the child. One of the most common mistakes is not to acknowledge and accept feelings . It causes anger, fear, shame, it can lower self-esteem, and undermines the exact perception and the regulation of the child’s inner and outer reality . – Lots of times resentment over rejected feelings is the main cause of misbehavior. Children are very forgiving creatures, so if you make mistakes , they are OK with it. It allows them to make mistakes as well.

Sensitivity: 

Sensitivity Lots of research looked for characteristics of good parenting. What could be the main requirement to raise healthy, strong, balanced, emotionally, socially well functioning children? Interestingly this is not the time spent together, - good news for working mom - not the financial circumstances, not the size of the family. The most important is responding sensitively to the children’s communication. Responding immediately Responding appropriately – (with food for hunger…) Responding with acceptance – (even when the child is in negative emotional state) Zita Fekete, Copyright 2010 http://SoundSoulCounseling.com

Enjoy parenting mindfully as much as you can: it doesn’t take forever!: 

Enjoy parenting mindfully as much as you can: it doesn’t take forever!