Revealing Emotional Manipulation

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How Emotional Manipulation works? What tools use the manipulators to influence you? What are the victim's characteristics? What are your rights in a relationship?

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Understand Emotional Manipulation and Set Yourself Free:

Understand Emotional Manipulation and Set Yourself Free

What is Emotional Manipulation?:

What is Emotional Manipulation? Getting someone doing something what s/he would not really like to do and what is not his/her interest but is beneficial for the manipulator. The manipulator influences the “victim” with pretentious and deceitful tactics which often implies guilt shame and anxiety. “A person, with greater emotional intelligence than his or her victims, who uses emotional intelligence to covertly manipulate (subtly and subconsciously) the vulnerabilities of others for his or her own personal satisfaction/gain with the total disregard for the needs of their victims.” - Dr Jim Fogarty

Emotional Manipulation Patterns:

Emotional Manipulation Patterns Victim in every situations Ultimate expert in every possible topic Depending on you but behaving like commander in chief Turning the best friends against each other Projecting worst traits into the others -So they are manipulators! Distracting you from the topic by bombarding you with anger or unrelated multiple issues Mis -interpreting words, sentences, thoughts and intentions on purpose. Intimidating or threatening you either physically or intellectually Combination of two or more above mentioned

The manipulator’s tools of influencing you/1:

Make you feel guilty – “if you don’t do (what I say): you … (don’t love me, you’re not a good citizen, you’re not a nice person…) Pretending to be a victim of something – you have to come to rescue. Manipulating the meaning of the words or concepts. They feel/play that they are superior – they allowed to do whatever they want without consequences and get what they want without earning it. They bother you continuously and convince you something is wrong with you either in your face or only on you back while behaving nice in your face. Using slight hints and “messages” how you “should” behave. – Like other nice people do or previous friends did. Using more mask or role: causing pressure, rewarding or other false roles. The manipulator’s tools of influencing you/1

The manipulator’s tools of influencing you/2:

Irritability- “Don’t make me angry, or else…” They don’t take responsibility for their action. “You misunderstood me!” or; “I did it for you!” With constant harassing, correcting g and belittling s/he damages your self-esteem in order to influence you. Isolating you from friend and family. Showing disappointment manipulatively which rather means: “Get back to alignment!” Making you believe you are the one and only special one. “I can’t live without you!” Avoiding responsibility for anything. If you confront, the answer is: “You’re weird!” “You have problem!” – (not me). Make you believe that you have no other choice but him/her. “You can’t make it without me!” “You’ll never get better than me!” The manipulator’s tools of influencing you/2

The Manipulator’s mistakes:

The Manipulator’s mistakes They have a strange view of responsibility. They have a dysfunctional system and assume that their practices would ease their pain. - It bring them secondary gains but doesn’t fulfill their original need. They might think “Black or White”. Their thinking might be rigid – e.g. there is only one truth which is theirs. There is only one way of doing things. They label and judge people around them. They believe that if everything happens according to their wish the magical outcome will realize. They have a series of failed relationship – and everything is the other one’s fault.

How does the manipulator “hunts” for victim?:

How does the manipulator “hunts” for victim? They are looking for someone who reacts on their clumsiness with quick, eager help. (Jump for help.) They check who is impressed by they performance They look back who is following them with attention when leaving a group of people They surround possible victim with extreme attention – and look for vulnerabilities They engage deep conversation – too early in the relationship They want to know every secret – in the name of “honesty” They show extreme interest They show extreme sympathy They look for dependency They look for weakness

Who can become a victim of the manipulator?:

Who can become a victim of the manipulator? People who think they cannot be whole without a relationship People who are looking for love desperately People who willing to look the manipulator’s weakness as strength People who are too eager to please People who are overly responsible People who have unfulfilled needs according to an abusive or neglecting childhood People who are in vulnerable state of mind according to recent loss People who consider “LOVE” only the rush of a new relationship People who consider “LOVE” some other type of attachment and not willing to give up this attachment

How to recognize the manipulator?/1:

How to recognize the manipulator?/1 You feel guilty, ashamed or anxious and s/he made you feel that way. You apologize a lot and you are tearful, fearful, but still can’t leave your manipulator. The manipulator has two (or more) faces: s/he behaves differently before others than only with you, or s/he talks differently in their back. S/he is lying: exaggerates, alters or leaves out information. At the very beginning s/he is charming, your needs are fulfilled. After a while you feel increasingly pressurized, judged, acting as your manipulator wish, but still not appreciated. NOTE: THIS IS CONDITIONAL LOVE!!! – What you need is unconditional love: you need love because of who you are, and not because what you do for the other.

How to recognize the manipulator?/2:

How to recognize the manipulator?/2 At first you are overly happy, after a while you feel judged: you might interpret it as something is wrong with you – if nothing else, your Self-Esteem. S/he convinces you to do things what you usually don’t do. You turn away from your family and friends for his/her wish. At first you are convinced that the manipulator is better (stronger, nicer…) than you so it’s a privilege being with him/her. S/he takes control of your life progressively while make you believe what an incredible relationship s/he has with you. Slowly s/he has way more advantage from the relationship than you. You become inferior as your actions, thoughts and opinion are never good enough. S/he uses constant anger to get you comply with him/her.

How to recognize the manipulator?/3:

How to recognize the manipulator?/3 “You walk on eggshells.” Small happenings trigger big anger. S/he has great plans which are never realize. When s/he makes something clearly immoral, s/he makes you feel responsible for it. S/he makes unclear messages that something is annoying him/her, then you have to jump to figure out and fix it. S/he thinks you have problem which have to be fixed. His/her arguments are based on emotion, not reason. S/he maintains the false hope in you that with the expected behavior the euphoric initial phase can be brought back. (Some believes in it after 20 years of suffering…) You feel helpless and tool-less against his/her behavior and threats.

Switch from “VICTIM” to “SURVIVOR”:

Switch from “VICTIM” to “SURVIVOR” Stop cheating yourself! Examine the facts how your relationship shaped from the beginning till now! Count the frequency of making you feel guilty, belittling, “put downs”, lies, empty promises! Write it down! (You’ll be surprised how often you get it!) Identify your basic values and needs and decide do you live according to them? Figure out which way can your manipulator keep you in the victim status? Examine the “False Hope” that you manipulator uses to keep you in the relationship! Is this slightly or severely manipulative? (Can deal with it, or you better quit?) Be aware that you cannot change the manipulator, only yourself!!! Realize that this is conditional love.

Tools for the SURVIVORS/1:

Tools for the SURVIVORS/1 Recognize what is your need with that s/he grabs you and “keeps captive”! Get off this hook! Find another fulfillment for those needs. (Love, affiliation, appreciation : can be satisfied in sooooo many ways!!!) Realize the falseness of the “False Hope” Face the real nature of your manipulator. (Is s/he really that fabulous?) Recognize that the problem is his/hers, not yours. Try to detach from the manipulator. You can play one day “mourning” – pretend to quit and grieve the connection. Imagine your life – in the positive way – without your manipulator! (Freedom, control, self-esteem, creativity…) Look for the company of non-manipulative people: volunteer, find a hobby!

Tools for the SURVIVORS/2:

Tools for the SURVIVORS/2 Decide to become a survivor and insist to it! Give up hope to change the manipulator. (Even special experts cannot do it without his/her active contribution and commitment.) You can rehearse scenes what you need to discuss. You can bargain secondary values, but don’t give up core values! You can provide appropriate feelings for the manipulator, but don’t give what s/he manipulates for. (money, sex…) Feeling indignant when you are manipulated is appropriate. Develop skills which postpone quick reactions like: ask back neutrally, ask for details, or “I see.” “This is an option too.” Figure out safe escape route if there is a chance that your manipulator become physical. BE AWARE OF YOUR RIGHTS! (next page in detail!)

YOUR RIGHTS:

YOUR RIGHTS You have a right to evaluate your own behavior. You have a right to say “NO” without feeling guilty. You have a right for unconditional love. You have a right for your family and friends. You have a right to chose the participants of your life. You have a right for your opinion, and disagreeing with people while maintaining respectful relationship with them. You have the right to end up a relationship. You have a right for safety. You have a right for being distinctively, uniquely “YOU”. You have a right to confront people who manipulates you. You have a right for positive self-esteem. You have a right to get honesty from people who you are involved with.

What to do next?:

What to do next? Does it sound familiar? Are you in one of those situation? Are you scared, or maybe ashamed? – Don’t be! More or less we are all susceptible for manipulation. We were raised to comply and this is normal, even necessary! But if someone uses this against you, it’s high time to: Stop it! HOW? Have an open eye, open ear for it! What’s going on around you? What’s your manipulator role in it? What’s your role in it? How do you help to maintain the unbalanced situation? Think about your rights – be sure in them! STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS IN CALM, ASSERTIVE WAY!

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