Dr John Mordechai Gottman:Master of Marriage, Couple Counselling and Relationship Education .: Dr John Mordechai Gottman: Master of Marriage, Couple Counselling and Relationship Education . MAREAA CONFERENCE, VIC Workshop Presentation, 2002 Dr JOHN BARLETTA Senior Lecturer of Counselling Australian Catholic University, QLD


To download a copy of this paper:: To download a copy of this paper: www.mcauley.acu.edu.au/staff/johnb/ subjects.html J.Barletta@mcauley.acu.edu.au


Accepted Truths:: Accepted Truths: In Relationship work, traditionally accepted truths are not support by Gottman’s research: Active Listening is not the be-all/end-all to accomplish empathy; Romance and hopes should not be cast aside as merely wishful thinking.


Views on Marriage and Relationships:: Views on Marriage and Relationships: Corporate structure of 60hrs per week is not conducive to a good marriage. With single mothers, the confidantes are sometimes not useful…also, the men coming in and out of the single mother’s life are an issue.


Masters of Marriage:: Masters of Marriage: '….people who stay married and kind of like each other….'


Masters of Marriage:: Masters of Marriage: Have access to a sense of humour even in conflict. (Sense of humour is key to interest and shared affection) 5:1 Positive to Negative Moments - High Prediction of Divorce/Happiness. Happy couples do more happy things together. Events-of-the-day conversation are important.


Styles of Marriage:: Styles of Marriage: Validating (support/negotiate) Volatile (passionate) Avoidant (minimise)


Styles of Marriage:: Styles of Marriage: Lack of compatibility doesn’t predict divorce, but how couples handle inevitable incompatibilities….and the way they resolve conflicts and their overall quality of emotional interactions that does…


What Makes a Happy Marriage?: What Makes a Happy Marriage? 1. Personality (enduring qualities) that people bring, accounts for  30%. 2. The 'fit' between two people. (Ackerman: Two neurotics can have a good marriage if they don’t push each other’s buttons) 3. Couples who don’t trample of each other’s enduring vulnerabilities. (sensitivity)


Facts about Marriage:: Facts about Marriage: Fighting is healthy – airs grievances. Relationship grows as differences are reconciled. Problems often develop during times of transition. A happy marriage is good for your health.


4 Horseman of the Apocalypse: The Warning Signs! : 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse: The Warning Signs!  Criticism  Contempt  Defensiveness  Stonewalling


Bimodal Distribution of Time People Divorce:: Bimodal Distribution of Time People Divorce: 1. Early Divorce - first 7 years: Attack andamp; Defend/Stonewall. 2 Later Divorce: Suppression andamp; Avoidance   emotional disengagement.


Impact of Children on Couples:: Impact of Children on Couples: Couples are more likely to stay together in the first 7 years if they have children, but there is little difference from couples without children after that time. 40%-70% of couples have a drop in satisfaction after children, within 1 year. (sleep deprivation; ignored husband)


Relationship Education:: Relationship Education: Education should occur for couples at pregnancy classes….preempt problems.


Conflict:: Conflict: Is conflict the conversation the couple never had, but should have? Couples argue about money, for example, but the issue is really about power, freedom, love, connection, life dreams (existential issues).


Fundamental Attribution Error:: Fundamental Attribution Error: 'I’m okay, you are defective!' In Counselling it presents as: 'Fix her/him up and our marriage will be fine.'


Marriage and Relationship:: Marriage and Relationship: Quality of Friendship is critical: Knowledge of partner, Respect and admiration, Bids and Turning.


Fundamental Unit of Intimacy:: Fundamental Unit of Intimacy: The 'BID' and the 'TURN' • Turning: Toward, Away, Against (i.e., Positive, Avoid, Attack)  Playful bids and enthusiastic turning are useful as they help access sense of humour, and repair following conflict.  96% of bids are responded to by positive couples.


Fundamental Unit of Intimacy:: Fundamental Unit of Intimacy:  Bids and turning are the basis of good sex, romance, and passion in the marriage.  'From the mundane moments, come the profound connection.'


Relationship Education:: Relationship Education: Couples need to become mindful of 'bids' and 'turns.'


Conflict Resolution:: Conflict Resolution: 69% of conflicts are never resolved, even years later….people argue about the same stuff! You will always have a set of unresolved issues with whomever you marry! The issue is the affect around the issues they don’t resolve.


Minuchin Wisdom: (2000): Minuchin Wisdom: (2000) All marriages are mistakes…some couples are more successful than others in repairing them. We know 2 marriages well…our own, and our parents.


Conflict Resolution:: Conflict Resolution: 31% of problems can be repaired. Emotional Bank Account affects 'sentiment override' which controls repair threshold, and effectiveness.


Ogden Nash (poet - paraphrased): Ogden Nash (poet - paraphrased) To keep brimming the marital cup, When wrong admit it, When right shut up! (this is about respect andamp; honour, the idea of giving in, andamp; of saying sorry.…honours both people)


Relationship Education:: Relationship Education: The Issues in Fighting: Prevention of fights (when possible). How to argue when you do fight. How to recover when it gets away from you.


Relationship Education:: Relationship Education: Rather than saying: 'Yes dear' or 'Anything you say' or 'I’m not buying any of this' The Masters say: 'I can see some points in what you are saying and they make sense. And there’s some stuff you’re saying I just don’t agree with. Let’s talk about it.'


Relationship Education:Keys to Improving Marriage.: Relationship Education: Keys to Improving Marriage. Calm down - recognise feelings; deliberate effort to calm down….reversing distress. Speak Nondefensively - nondefensive listening and attitude….then speak nondefensively. Validation – see things from partner’s perspective. Let partner know you understand them….antidote to the 4 horsemen. Overlearning – try and try again! Practice the skills of 'fighting smart' often…


Relationship Education:: Relationship Education: Compromise is sometimes a solution that becomes a new problem. Giving up of ideals, romance, passion, their selves… People may have a philosophical ideal that they have and it’s essential to who they are as a person.


Relationship Education:: Relationship Education: People who have idealistic standards, who really want to be treated well and want romance and passion, they get that…. people who have low standards, they get that…. It’s better to ask for what you want in a relationship and try to be treated that way.


Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work: (Gottman & Silver, 99): Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work: (Gottman andamp; Silver, 99) Maintain a Love Map Foster Fondness andamp; Admiration Turn Toward (instead of away) Accept your Partner’s Influence Solve Solvable Conflicts Cope with Unresolved Conflicts Create Shared Meaning


Relationship Education: Negotiating a Marital Style.: Relationship Education: Negotiating a Marital Style. Togetherness Vs Separateness Romance andamp; Companionship Honesty Persuasion Expressing Emotion Traditional Roles Philosophy and Beliefs


Couple Counselling: Be Flexible & Speak the Couple’s Language.: Couple Counselling: Be Flexible andamp; Speak the Couple’s Language. Systems: Spouses affect each other. Existential: Look underneath at life dream. Psychodynamic: Dreams from childhood, symbolic meanings about past trauma in other situations. Narrative: Examine the story of the dream. Behavioural: To effect change, change behaviours, and perceptions will follow.


Couple Counselling:: Couple Counselling: Individual Counselling can be dangerous or counter-productive to Couple Counselling. With co-morbid issues, medication or individual counselling is useful…but often, for example, couple counselling is simultaneously good for Depression.


Couple Counselling:: Couple Counselling: FOCUS: Have the skills to solve the solvable problems. Cope with the unsolvable problems. Build successful bids. Dialogue not gridlock. Successful repairs. Honouring one another’s dreams. Build a dream or meaning system (find the dream, appreciate views/values, build a shared dream).


Relationship Education:: Relationship Education: To Honour a Dream: You talk about it, You understand it, You support it (You financially assist it).


Couple Counselling:: Couple Counselling: Rather than labeling couples, acknowledge existential issues of power, freedom, love, connection. Encourage rituals of connection. Open the attack/defend mode.…use a video to get to 'admitting mode.' Get to 'collaborative mode.'


Couple Counselling:: Couple Counselling: Process a 'fight-recovery conversation' (good marriages have these). Examine the anatomy of attack/defend (internal working models). Have the conversation the couple never had, but should have.


Couple Counselling:: Couple Counselling: EFFECTIVE TREATMENT: Reduce negativity during conflict, Increase positivity during conflict, Increase positivity during non-conflict contexts.


Assessment in Counselling:: Assessment in Counselling: JOINT INTERVENTIONS: Friendship Profile Conflict Profile Meanings Profile 30% - 50% have co-morbid issues (e.g., alcohol, depression).


When is a Marriage Over & Recovery Impossible?: When is a Marriage Over andamp; Recovery Impossible? When fondness, respect, and admiration are gone, and contempt is present… You need some embers to fan into a fire!


Resources:: Resources: 'Evolution of Psychotherapy' conference, Anaheim CA, May 2000. www.gottman.com (The Gottman Institute) www.psychotherapistresources.com (an interview) www.depts.washington.edu/famlylab/ (sic) www.depts.washington.edu/psych/Faculty/gottman.html (University home-page)


Dear John:: Dear John: That's a GREAT slide show. Thanks for taking the time to capture what I am saying accurately. John John Gottman James Mifflin Professor University of Washington Box 351525 Department of Psychology Seattle, WA 98195 206-543-2628 jgottman@gottman.com July 12, 2002