Selfishness is a Major Drainer of Marriage


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Never allow selfishness to reign in your marriage. It is going to drain your marriage and the end result will be separation and divorce. Allow love and selflessness to take the center stage in your marriage


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Selfishness is a Major Drainer of Marriage . Friday, May 22, 2020 1 Kigume Karuri Marriage is a lifelong partnership that links two people around their most fundamental wishes and wants so that the two people involved can flourish as individuals and as a couple. This requires great attention  to the maintenance of a collaborative environment of negotiation.


Friday, May 22, 2020 2 Kigume Karuri Over my years in marriage I have had to restrain myself from the selfish spirit that wanted to destroy our marriage. I have talked to many couples who have had marital conflicts and after discussions the major issue is that the each person wants his or her way. Once we enter into the marriage institution, it is no longer my way. We are to take the best way for ourselves.


Friday, May 22, 2020 3 Kigume Karuri The idea of spouses having things they want or prefer in order to flourish as individuals and as a couple is a better way to promote a good marriage.  To have a want is an expression of yourself; it is an expression of what you believe is important for you to live well, to have a good life.  As such, it is important that your wants be acknowledged.  At the same time, they are not demands that must be catered to.  Wants are things that you value but are willing to negotiate in good faith with your spouse.


Friday, May 22, 2020 4 Kigume Karuri Always seek not to hurt your spouse, Seek to collaborate as this  is the ultimate form of jointly weighing your individual wants and preferences.  This is the way to create a committed marriage relationship in which each of your wants is respected and honored.  By collaborating you ease the frictions that come with “ If not my way, then it can’t be yours either”. When you listen to many couples on their source of disagreement, you will be surprised that the issue is as a result of selfishness.


. Friday, May 22, 2020 5 Kigume Karuri Selfishness in marriage can be dealt with: By admitting to yourself and your spouse that   you are selfish. That you want your own way. How do you know when you’ve been selfish? You’ve ignored your spouse’s feelings and interests and insisted on having your own way. You’ve made demands, not requests. You’ve withheld sex or thrown tantrums if your wishes haven’t been fulfilled.


Friday, May 22, 2020 6 Kigume Karuri   Learn to make sacrifices .  The ultimate weapon against selfishness is sacrifice, and a happy marriage is often predicated on two people trying to out-serve each other. “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it,” we read in  Proverbs 3:27 Remember your spouse’s incredible value. The more you appreciate your   spouse, the more likely you will be to approach him or her selflessly and sacrificially. As Jesus told us, “ For where your treasure is, there you heart will be also” Mathew 6:21


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 7 Act in  humility.   Meet with your spouse every week for an hour to hear where you’ve messed up. Just listen during that time. (If your spouse struggles in this area, too, switch roles.) These types of meetings can train you in the art of humility . The fight against selfishness means shelving the “me” and stressing the “we.” Make sure that your marriage has room for  both  of you: Embrace your interdependence and your inherent need and love for each other.


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 8 “ Therefore , as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” Colossians 3:12 (NIV ). When we remember that we are indeed God’s chosen, clothed in kindness, we can go an extra kilometer because of our spouses.


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 9 Selfishness is the greatest enemy of every marriage. Sometimes it tends to sneak up on us. Most couples start out doing all they can to serve and make each other happy. But somewhere along the way, a willingness to go to the end of the world for the other person gets overtaken by a reluctance to even cross the room to get them something or move towards them. It’s an attitude that subtly permeates many of the ways we can think and act.


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 10 . S igns of selfishness 1. My needs. It’s very easy for us to focus more on what we want or think we are due than our spouse’s side of things. Whether that’s a desire for more frequent physical intimacy or greater understanding about the challenges I am facing at work. But what about them? It’s important to remember that we are wired differently and have different needs .


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 11 2. My expectations. Many couples each have an unspoken list of how they think life should be, with their quiet resentment building each time things don’t go their way. But if you don’t tell your spouse what your expectations are and discuss together how reasonable they are, you can’t blame them for not meeting them. Maybe once you’ve talked together you’ll realize you need to adjust.   .


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 12 3. My feelings. Hurt and anger cloud our abilities to hear what other people are saying; we tend to get either aggressive or defensive, or sometimes just shut down. And what about your spouse: how are  they  feeling about that situation or conversation? If you really want to know, ask them. 4. My opinions. We don’t have to agree on everything, but agreeing to differ means more than just not thinking alike.It means hearing the other person out and being comfortable with that.


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 13 5. My agenda. We don’t have to do everything I want when I want, and the way I want. It’s amazing how little can become big sources of conflict. 6. My career. It’s easy to hide behind “work demands” to avoid important issues and situations in your marriage. It’s also easy to focus on what we want in our career without really considering what our spouse wants. S ometimes we need to turn down opportunities for career advancement to protect our most important relationships.


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 14 Notes 7. My family. Family dynamics can be challenging. Indeed, in-law issues are one of  the major issues  that need to be addressed. Do you get along with each other’s relatives? Is it “my family” and “your family” or “OUR family?” Selfishness is all about getting. Selflessness is all about giving. Are you giving to and serving your spouse?  


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 15 Ways to Fight Selfishness in Marriage 1. Admit that you are selfish . Sounds simple, right? Admitting you act in selfishness brings awareness to the problem. You are being vulnerable and transparent when you vocalize your sin to your spouse . 2. Approach your spouse with humility . A prideful heart never ends well. Approaching every situation and every conversation with humility and grace is the goal. Putting away the “me” mentality to make room for the “we” is always a good way to humbly approach your spouse.


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 16 3. Change your demands to requests . “ It isn’t  what  you say, but  how  you say it that makes all the difference.” This rings so true in marriage. When we demand things, our spouse feels small and defensive, but when we ask in humility and full of grace, the same desire or need is welcomed and accomplished with. joy. 4. Recognize your spouse’s value and be thankful for it.  Notice the little things that your spouse does to sacrifice for your needs. I am sure, like my spouse, there are many. Sometimes just taking your attention off of yourself and recognizing the value your spouse brings to your family’s life will be a complete mood booster.


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 17 5. Extend forgiveness regularly.   We have the power to forgive each other because Christ forgave us. Let go of harbored hurts through the power of the Holy Spirit. You will then have the freedom to love your spouse better, and in return they will feel that and love you even more. Philippians 2:3-4 tell us to, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also the interests of others.”


Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 18 It is our joy and honor to be able to put our spouses interests and needs above our own. Selfishness is a vicious cycle with no winner. Giving of ourselves can be difficult but that is not the same thing as bad. Like any other “habit,” learning to fight selfishness will come easier the more you practice.


Marriage needs: Friday, May 22, 2020 Kigume Karuri 19 Sometimes you have to give, compromise, and do it yourself. If y ou constantly fight to win, dig your heels in to have everything exactly the way you want it, when you want it and how you want it, you will lose, but not in a good way. Never allow selfishness to reign in your marriage. It is going to drain your marriage and the end result will be separation and divorce. Allow love and selflessness to take The center stage in your marriage.

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