75 George Carlin's lin by Katerina(ak85ka)

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Beautiful slideshow created by Katerina (ak85ka). Published with her kind permission.

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George Carlin’s lines… 1937 – 2008:

George Carlin’s lines… 1937 – 2008

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that…:

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that…

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff…:

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff…

Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!... :

Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!...

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?..:

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?..

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept…:

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept…

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?.. :

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?..

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?.. :

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?..

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?..:

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?..

It’s never just a game when you’re winning….:

It’s never just a game when you’re winning….

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem... :

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem...

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it…:

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it…

Atheism is a non-prophet organization...:

Atheism is a non-prophet organization...

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit… :

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit…

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been…:

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been…

Is there another word for synonym?.. :

Is there another word for synonym?..

Life is a zero sum game...:

Life is a zero sum game...

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights… :

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights…

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?..:

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?..

Always do whatever is next… :

Always do whatever is next…

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things…:

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things…

I'm in shape… Round is a shape…:

I'm in shape… Round is a shape…

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it…:

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it…

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist…:

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist…

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live…:

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live…

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore… :

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore…

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday…:

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday…

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…:

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…

Think off–center…:

Think off–center…

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grow through a crack in the concrete. )t is so fuckin’ heroic…:

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grow through a crack in the concrete. )t is so fuckin’ heroic…

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life…:

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life…

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?..:

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?..

When someone asks you “A penny for your thoughts”, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?..:

When someone asks you “A penny for your thoughts”, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?..

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day“… I always wonder… How can that be?.. How can you not have all day?..:

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day“… I always wonder… How can that be?.. How can you not have all day?..

One nice thing about egotists… They don't talk about other people…:

One nice thing about egotists… They don't talk about other people…

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?..:

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?..

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?..:

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?..

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?..:

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?..

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?..:

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?..

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?..:

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?..

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like…:

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like…

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten…:

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten…

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?..:

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?..

Electricity is really just organized lightning…:

Electricity is really just organized lightning…

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?..:

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?..

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it…:

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it…

The status quo sucks… :

The status quo sucks…

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point…:

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point…

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?..:

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?..

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?..:

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?..

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls…:

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls…

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past…:

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past…

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?..:

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?..

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…:

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election…:

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election…

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town… :

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town…

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?..:

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?..

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process…:

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process…

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific…:

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific…

What if there were no hypothetical questions?..:

What if there were no hypothetical questions?..

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?..:

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?..

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?..:

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?..

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?..:

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?..

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?..:

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?..

The future ain't what it used to be…:

The future ain't what it used to be…

Weather forecast for tonight: dark…:

Weather forecast for tonight: dark…

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets… :

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets…

If a safe is unlocked, is it still a safe?..:

If a safe is unlocked, is it still a safe?..

I don't own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt…:

I don't own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt…

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?..:

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?..

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?..:

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?..

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?..:

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?..

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?..:

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?..

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?..:

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?..

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?..:

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?..

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?..:

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?..

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything…:

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything…

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories…:

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories…

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house…:

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house…

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did… :

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did…

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it… :

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it…

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day… Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day…:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day… Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day…

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think...:

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think...

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little…:

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little…

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity...:

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity...

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want… We haven't tried that for a while… Maybe this time it'll work…:

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want… We haven't tried that for a while… Maybe this time it'll work…

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth…:

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth…

Life... is a series of dogs…:

Life... is a series of dogs…

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day… when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is…:

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day… when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is…

The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going…:

The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going…

Some people see things that are and ask “Why”?.. Some people dream of things that never were and ask “Why not”?.. Some people have to go to work nd don't have time for all that ...:

Some people see things that are and ask “Why”?.. Some people dream of things that never were and ask “Why not”?.. Some people have to go to work nd don't have time for all that ...

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show… When you're born in America, you get a front row seat…:

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show… When you're born in America, you get a front row seat…

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money… Interests are quite free…:

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money… Interests are quite free…

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong...:

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong...

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it… Created by: Katerina (ak85ka):

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it… Created by: Katerina (ak85ka)

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