Once & Always Father

Views:
 
     
 

Presentation Description

The storyboard for the tilte, A Once and Always Father; this presentation includes a theme and sub-title for each chapter, and the reserved references for the book, its content.

Comments

Presentation Transcript

A Once and Always Father(As of 2009) : 

A Once and Always Father(As of 2009) The plight of a non-custodial parent from marriage, and divorce, to reclaiming his fatherhood By H. Kirk Rainer 2009 - 2010 alwaysfather@hkirkrainer.org

Slide 2: 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 2 This project is dedicated to my kids…and all the kids and their parents who love them and want to be a part of their lives…

Contents : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 3 Contents Acknowledgements Introduction Lifetime Lifting Covenant Caring Gondola Grand Maze Minding Wind Watching Oar Over-Easy Demarcation Drawing Divorce Drafting World Weighing Debt Deserting Castle Keeping Foe Befriending Ire-reflections Irritating Juggernaut Juggling Scales Scaling Non-Custodial Navigating First Fighting Undone Undoing Final Words Reserved Resources Index

Acknowledgements : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 4 Acknowledgements First, I thank the Lord who has – and continues – to provide the means to a deeper life on earth and a sustaining life through Eternity. Second, my appreciation must goes to family – and especially my parents – who have born much of the trials of my life, and continue to stand with me for potentially more… Third, I must acknowledge the resources readily available; to those who developed them and for those who, like myself, have come to appreciate them. Lastly, I must recognize the people classified as non-custodial parents – but who have lost their right and privilege in parenting their children….and of course, the children, who are the casualties of this war on marriage and family.

Introduction : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 5 Introduction The content of this book is entirely my view of the experience of matrimony, marriage and post-marriage experiences as a non-custodial parent. At the inception (of the book), I have just been released from jail in yet another attempt to contact my children; this time, charged with aggravated stalking coupled atop of an injunction that follows restraining orders. In what I have named, “The Mess”, I begin this book on the single premise that children need their father’s when the relationship has been previously healthy and viable… “Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of the generation. It is the leading cause of declining child well-being in our society.” - David Blankenhorn, “Fatherless America”, 1995

Chapter 1 – Lifetime Lifting : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 6 Chapter 1 – Lifetime Lifting From the earliest understanding of marriage, the idea of lifetime was always the synonym; and moreover, the concept of two people who must serve each other – a lifting of each others spirits as soul-mates; but not a savior... From the beginning of our marriage, I never doubted that our marriage would survive; maybe love is blind, but divorce was never an option – not then, and never… Instead, was the intent that all problems – whether existed (or created) before the marriage or consequently, could be overcome or mitigated by commitment… “My idea of marriage was largely fostered by what I experienced in my natural family and what I learned from church family. Sure, I was aware of broken families, but I did not conceive or desire that for mine…” - H. Kirk Rainer, 2008

Chapter 1 – Lifetime Lifting : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 7 Chapter 1 – Lifetime Lifting Lifting – What is “Lifetime Lifting” and encouragement for…. Time to Marry – about dating, marriage and…. A Brief History – of her childhood, the forgotten…. Two Homes – of a different sort that form our…. Expectations – perceptions, reservations on marriage…. Father Figure – the absence of the father and…. Meet the Parents – the introduction to the family…. Marriage Preparations – the church, ceremony and… In-laws and Family – and then her family, her step-father…. Views of Men – on the males in her family and…. “Lifetime Lifting” – what is marriage and other questions….

Chapter 2 – Covenant Caring : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 8 Chapter 2 – Covenant Caring From the belief in the founding of marriage, a covenant comes to mind; not a contract, a condition or compromise – but a covenant or promise. A covenant is sacred; it is said to be a binding promise and, from my background, between God and his creation. I viewed marriage (our marriage) as nothing less than a covenant. Yes, we are just two imperfect people; but God being perfect, would change each of us – both of us – such that the imperfections would give way to something pleasing to him…to us. “When I speak of ‘covenant’, don’t misunderstand me as having some above-it-all disposition; on the contrary, a covenant because of my belief in God’s faithfulness …not hers or my own” - H. Kirk Rainer, 2008

Chapter 2 – Covenant Caring : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 9 Chapter 2 – Covenant Caring Caring – What is marriage and other questions…. Expectations – more on perceptions of marriage…. Father Figure – the perception, place and future of…. A Covenant – a commitment, a promise and…. Marriage License and Divorce – the state’s view and…. Vow versus voucher – the sacred versus the state’s…. Divorce Business – the divorce industry and it’s scourge…. The 3 R’s of Courts – reelection, retainers and retirements…. Divorce and its Deception – the hidden cost of divorce…. “The League” – attorneys and the legal processes that…. “Covenant Caring” – a lifetime of commitment and….

Chapter 3 – Gondola Grand : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 10 Chapter 3 – Gondola Grand Knowing that money (or finances) is a proven cause for marriage failures, I do not think that it is the only cause in any broken or fatigued relationship; there must be more. There were financial problems at times; indeed, the problems began even before we were married; but the regrets that I have on the matter is more about stewardship and faithfulness – not about who was responsible…or irresponsible. But I do not believe the problems began with or even were due to finances; but were more about conditions and commitment… “In retrospect, I have confessed that I was not a good steward – but joined the ranks of the “DINKS” want-to-be. Still, finances (or problems) did not always coincide with our differences; but it was more about control and commitment” - Kirk Rainer, 2008

Chapter 3 – Gondola Grand : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 11 Chapter 3 – Gondola Grand Grand – money and finances in marriage and divorce…. Divorce Debt – financing the master plan for The Mess…. Post-Divorce Counseling – getting help however possible…. Winners and Losers – intentions and reality of…. Wanting Happiness – the delusion that happiness comes…. Post-Divorce Debt – a burden beyond belief while…. “Deadbeat Dads” – the misleading message of the man…. Child Support – a Big Business subsidized by the…. Marriage and Money – some problems did occur, but…. Mutual Mistakes – learning through failure as a couple…. Command and Control – a legacy from failed fatherhood “Gondola Grand” – major indebtedness from divorce….

Chapter 4 – Maze Minding : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 12 Chapter 4 – Maze Minding Life is somewhat like a maze; and with marriage, is complicated because it involves two or more; but if someone leads, than somebody should follow. Navigating through “the maze” is ideally a joint effort – where the two go hand-in-hand weighing the benefits of each move and decision, but someone has to take the lead sometime. I had grown-up with “the lead” usually filled by dad; although, when he was deployed, mom seemingly took-over; but when he returned, some transition occurred… “Even before the arrival of our first child, the roles and responsibilities were changing – and though the choice of children was a mutual decision – I wondered if we were really ready and that she would ever be…. - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 4 – Maze Minding : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 13 Chapter 4 – Maze Minding Minding – choices and decisions in marriage and…. Moving Away – the choice to move away and…. Jobs and Losses – dealing with job loss and… Pregnancy and Family – celebrating pregnancy and… Moving Back! – and the mess of a sell, the loss of…. “Maze Minding” – not alone or in opposition, but…. Family Planning – for the first of our children…. Changing Roles – and responsibilities of a growing…. A Day Away – and other things I did with my children…. Help from Afar – with the grandparents also aboard…. Mother and mother – the complex relationship of…. “Maze Minding” - …and choices and decisions

Chapter 5 – Wind Watching : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 14 Chapter 5 – Wind Watching How do you watch the wind? Of course you can’t, but you watch the effect or evidence of it none-the-less. Sometimes the effect shows evidence of a fair wind and than other times, an ill-wind. A fair wind is that gentle breeze that relieves the otherwise hot and humid sphere; but an ill-wind is one that is furious and highly disruptive – though not always predictable. I could not always predict or prepare for the ill-wind, but certainly savored the fair one. Sometimes a northeaster, other times a hurricane, but the tempest could come out of no where and touch everywhere… “Like the wind, problems can sometimes be seemingly invisible – while the effect or outcome is not. “Watching meant waiting; and sometimes the wind could come like a fury – from what direction, I cannot tell you to this day… - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 5 – Wind Watching : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 15 Chapter 5 – Wind Watching Watching – the illusive winds from mild to fierce…. Small Children – offers more than the mild breezes of…. Rapid Change – comes with the care of children…. Causes of Wind – and the response or reaction to…. “The Storm of the Century” – divorce, the deadliest of…. Forgiven and Forgiving – the road to betterment and…. Father Figure – and the lead for command and control of…. Command and Control – the consequences of…. “Wind Watching” – the shifts of the wind, the threats of…

Chapter 6 – Oar Over-Easy : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 16 Chapter 6 – Oar Over-Easy Of the few times I’ve gone boating, an oar in the water can leave you powerless if the only means of propulsion. An oar over-easy is the not really “giving-up the ship”; but is simply deciding that you don’t care one way or the other. It’s one thing to accidentally drop the oar; it’s another to throw it overboard; and still another to flail it at the crew or partner. Rowing – as part of living – can be tough going in rough waters; but it is impossible to be effective in any waters when the human-will to go on is frequently competing with threats of mutiny… “While I don’t begin to have a ‘grasp’ of boating – and have not always been a team player – the association is that the oar must be in the water – if we’re going to be effective; without it, we either stop, go in circle, or drift aimlessly wherever… - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 6 – Oar Over-Easy : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 17 Chapter 6 – Oar Over-Easy Over Easy – working together as with a boat or…. Losing an Oar – and the effect on navigating the…. Divorce – beyond the routine, insurrection or mutiny…. Captain and Crew – who leads and who follows in the…. A Day Away – taking the boat and sailing for the day…. Day’s Away – for the demands of the job and…. Responses to Anger – how I managed or responded to…. An Apology – the episodes of anger and fighting and…. Happiness – and the pursuit of it over all other things…. “Oar Over-Easy” – from ill to ill-conceived to beyond….

Chapter 7 – Demarcation Drawing : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 18 Chapter 7 – Demarcation Drawing A demarcation is the formalization of the boundary or border: it’s says, “here is The Line; don’t cross it – else, you will be sorry…” I believe in boundaries (conditions or limitations) aimed at establishing a better relationship; but by “Demarcation”, it is more a matter of “I’m over here, and your over there; I can do this, but you must do this…” Whenever this drifting line was crossed, the final word would usually be the inevitable and insoluble “D” word – divorce of course. “Well you can’t draw a line in the water, but you can in the sand. Demarcation was basically to establish what was acceptable and not; but the trouble was that The Line or Demarcation was constantly being washed away and being redrawn…I think?” - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 7 – Demarcation Drawing : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 19 Chapter 7 – Demarcation Drawing Drawing – a line in the sand and other limitations…. Love in Marriage – where this force covers or sins and…. Control and Fear – and the “infusing” of fear in children to…. Pseudo Fear – or the so-called victim afraid of truth…. Victimization – can be a clever disguise for…. Anger – where does it begin and what can be done…. Evil Controller – an assessment and judgment for the…. “Demarcation Drawing” – an illusive line from the winds….

Chapter 8 – Divorce Drafting : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 20 Chapter 8 – Divorce Drafting Divorce has long been a booming industry – made so by a legal system that has made it supposedly no-one’s fault – if that were possible. I never realized – until the personal experience of divorce – that divorce could be so one-sided and seemingly so easy – as it’s sold; but while the procedure may be simple, the outcome or aftermath is always the opposite…for those who really matter. My children’s lives would never be the same and, had they not had to endure divorce, would have been much better for them…and for their families to come. “Divorce was even presented as a chance for inner growth and self-actualization. But the moral tides are turning, and people are showing a greater concern for the social cost of family breakdown… - Chuck Colson, How Shall We Now Live?, 1999

Chapter 8 – Divorce Drafting : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 21 Chapter 8 – Divorce Drafting Drafting – No-fault divorce and the destruction of…. No-fault – a brief history of how it has undermined…. Children Views – of divorce and dismembering of the…. Diminishing Dads – and the greatest social crisis of…. Dad’s View – of divorce as the final solution for marital…. Happiness – and the pursuit amid many costs and much…. The Church – with advice from one and the loss of many…. Relocating – and why I saw this as very beneficial for…. Divorce in Degrees – and the steps to make it happen…. Trial Testimony – prepared and pro se was my lot…. “Divorce Drafting” – and the power of love to overcome….

Chapter 9 – World Weighing : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 22 Chapter 9 – World Weighing The divided world of divorce cannot be conceived in the midst of marriage – one is out-of-this-world (and below this world) and the other is down-to-earth. As a non-custodial I am not (and will never be) a parent; at best you are a babysitter and at worst, a mere debtor – but never a dad in the true sense of a parent. To be a dad (or parent), you must have authority; but as a non-custodial, you have been striped of (or abdicated) any previously-possessed authority to the custodial and her court – the state… “However, researchers have shown that one of the best determinants of a child’s adjustment to divorce is the extent of the father’s continuing involvement.” - Edward Teyber, “Helping Children Cope with Divorce”

Chapter 9 – World Weighing : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 23 Chapter 9 – World Weighing Weighing – the burden of the post-divorce finances and…. Road to Happiness – the real outcome and future of…. The State – is ill-equipped to be parent, yet it unjustifiably…. Post-Divorce – depression and the shame of being…. Rebound Relationship – was the last thing I needed, but…. For the Children – their future could (can) be damaged by…. “World Weighing” – fathers and children living in two….

Chapter 10 – Debt Deserting : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 24 Chapter 10 – Debt Deserting Referring back to finances being a cause for marriage failures; what about the debt accrued (or assigned) during the divorce process? In the months of her flight to Florida, my wife had accrued an unprecedented amount of debt – some of which I would be assigned in the divorce. Besides the burden of her debt was also the unexpected tax liability – as a single rather than married – and as filing as an S-1 rather than an M-6. In short, I could not manage the debt and my other obligations. “If finances were ever a problem, it was now; having been obligated to the pre-divorce debt and the loss of most marital assets. If only there was a ‘line in the sand’, but like sand in the desert, the debt seemed endless… - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 10 – Debt Deserting : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 25 Chapter 10 – Debt Deserting Deserting – more on post-divorce finances and…. Cars and Cosigning – as no good deed goes unpunished…. More Child Support – after three years into post-divorce…. Full Disclosure – yet the courts are too busy to bother with…. Happiness Never – can be achieved by levying pain on…. Compliant Courts – who limit evidence to the one while…. “Debt Deserting” – is more about the financial debt and….

Chapter 11 – Castle Keeping : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 26 Chapter 11 – Castle Keeping Who came-up with the saying, “A house is a man’s castle”? Maybe it was knight or warrior – but it wasn’t the captive… By castle, I mean the house (or home) as it were: during the months of her flight to Florida, I kept The Keep; when she and my children returned, they were welcomed with full colors and a king’s ransom of love. But in the months that followed, my expectation of and belief in reconciliation collapsed and, in what seemed like a few days, the responsive goodwill and graciousness changed suddenly to a ultimatum…followed by my exile. “With what vestige of authority I thought I still had, the castle was kept intact during the months empty of a family. In the end, even it was given-up or given-over for the sake of the children” - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 11 – Castle Keeping : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 27 Chapter 11 – Castle Keeping Keeping – more on post-divorce finances and…. The Land – contrary to O’Hara, it’s not about the land…. Days of Yore – the castles and kingdoms of a child…. Children Doing – and how are my children anyway…? Building Security – and the once castle now wired for…. Besieged Fathers – and the children once part of…. Father’s Rights – not might, but right is the role of fathers…. Justice Lost – where else but placards is justice found…? Besieged Family – is the family also under attack by…? Culture’s Cry – that families and fathers are vital to…. “Castle Keeping” – or “holding down the fort” until….

Chapter 12 – Foe Befriending : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 28 Chapter 12 – Foe Befriending In the day’s of yore, the gate-keepers question may have been “friend or foe?” As a non-custodial, a similar question may have been the norm – as I sometimes felt like enemy or adversary at ye-old castle. But this feeling was not without reason, as I (and my children) soon began to experience the breach of living in two worlds – where the other world has other views that often are expressed around, or perhaps to the children. Living as an exile was bad enough; but according to my children, I had “abandoned” them… “One of the hardest moments in our visitation was learning of the expressed “abandonment” by dad. I had tried to save the marriage and had done nothing to resemble abandonment. Then there was the children… - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 12 – Foe Befriending : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 29 Chapter 12 – Foe Befriending Befriending – as a the possibility with my own children…. Abandoned? – is what the children have learned…. Say Nothing… - about the mother in front of the children. Sorry Spanking – regarding my decision to spank Ben for…. Counseling after all – the children had been through…. Anything Can Happen – when children are involved…. Keeping the Peace – on, at least, getting along with…. Desire and Tolerance – stay away, but if you must, don’t…. Father and Daughter – is an important relationship that…. “Foe Befriending” – and so is the lot of one at the gate.

Chapter 13 – Ire-reflections Irritating : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 30 Chapter 13 – Ire-reflections Irritating A crisis offers the unique opportunity for a introspection – a reflection of yourself and what is important…maybe essential. The divorce was a crisis like no other; it was the loss of over fourteen years of commitment as a husband and ten years as a parent – but more than that, it was the outcome that I could never conceive and, above all, did not want…even now. Shame, guilt, remorse, grief, anger and so on; is just a vague description of the cycle that I experienced during and following the divorce, and the end…. “If the circumstances of other men are (or were) like mine has been, it is not any wonder why men far more often choose to end their lives after divorce. - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 13 – Ire-reflections Irritating : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 31 Chapter 13 – Ire-reflections Irritating Irritating – is the possibilities of what is seen in the…. Reflections of… - our heart or soul is something that we…. An Opportunity – to examine our Reflection and to change…. Embracing Brokenness – or looking into the mirror and…. Mercy and Might – is the God who is still there to…. Lens of God – or the Word and Spirit that give truth to…. Opposing Mirrors – and a vanishing reflection of who…. “Ire-reflections Irritating” – is looking intently into….

Chapter 14 – Juggernaut Juggling : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 32 Chapter 14 – Juggernaut Juggling A juggernaut is a powerful force – as are the special interests that have fought so diligently to make the dissolution of marriage more convenient. Marriage and family has been under assault by a powerful force that seem unrelenting and unstoppable in its effect – while appearing as a social reform with attention to the needs of women and children. How does the father – who has been largely rendered as superfluous to the family – oppose such a force. There is one force even greater…. “As a parent is drawn to his children, or vise versa, so the Juggernaut was juggled in trying to maintain meaningful relationships.” - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 14 – Juggernaut Juggling : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 33 Chapter 14 – Juggernaut Juggling Juggling – is more than a feat of the hand, it is trying to…. Dark Times – ushered into our land by the law and courts…. Social Crisis – is the state of families and of fathers too…. Divorced from Reality – as one of several works by…. The “Real Costs” of – divorce outweigh the costs levied…. Juggernaut – is a powerful force seemingly unmatched in…. But Love… - is a powerful force too, and is the one hope…. “Juggernaut Juggling” – a force to be sure, but could it be….

Chapter 15 – Scales Scaling : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 34 Chapter 15 – Scales Scaling Where do I begin but with the 3-R’s of the court system: for the judges, it’s ‘R’-eelection; for the attorney’s, it’s ‘R’- etainers; and for all others, it’s ‘R’-etirement. Aside from one attorney in family court, I have yet to find anyone remotely concerned about the children; but on the contrary, the children are the “co-lateral damage” of this court-based conflict. They (the children) are effectively placed on the slave block and auctioned off as state property; and the rest collect their spoils. “In the case of divorce, when one parent is financially or emotionally devastated, the children lose as well because one of the most important people in their lives has been harmed.” - “Defusing the High-Conflict Divorce; Dysfunctions of the Court System: Judges and Attorneys

Chapter 15 – Scales Scaling : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 35 Chapter 15 – Scales Scaling Scaling – is about the challenges that are monumental for…. Scaling Juggernaut – is a monumental challenge for…. Love versus Juggernaut – as one force vies with another…. No-fault Juggernaut – someone is at fault in divorce…. Lady Justice – her scales, sword, and blindfold…. Pressed Divorce – and the wrong of unilateral or…. Removed from Home – as a preemptive step for divorce…. Stripped of parenthood – to clear the way for custody and…. “Abuse Card” – or “the silver bullet” to implicate and…. Gondola Grand – inundated and imputed with debt to…. Perjury – is not a crime, but is another device may so by…. Ignominious Injunction – and how such laws are abused…. “Scales Scaling” – like climbing Mount Everest, it is a….

Chapter 16 – Non-custodial Navigating : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 36 Chapter 16 – Non-custodial Navigating Being a non-custodial can be like walking a tight-rope – without a net! Referring again to “Drawing Demarcations”, the lines are now enforceable (and regulated) by the law enforcement; and like a line from an old western, “You so much as flinch, and I blow your head off”, the dude is a dead-man walking. Anything is possible when you have money, it seems. I call it the pay-as-you-go justice system; and I am absolutely sure that Johnny Cochran was right when he said, “Justice is the color green in America.” “The paradox of being a payee is that the monies provided as child support can be used to finance “the war” against you. You may be struggling to meet all your obligations but, standby, you could be restrained forever… - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 16 – Non-custodial Navigating : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 37 Chapter 16 – Non-custodial Navigating Navigating – has much risk with the threat of…. Time for Jail – as one of several cost for the non-custodial… The Injunction – as a license to lie and too legislate License to Lie – say anything without any risk of…. Latitude to Legislate – making law to prohibit a parent…. Longitude to Violate – where the lawmaker is above the law Expedience – is the underlying practices and policies of…. The Plea Bargain – with widespread use, is certain to…. Leveraging the Children – as pawns to achieve the end…. The Children’s Future – as to the consequences of…. “Non-Custodial Navigating” – many risks, few rewards; but….

Chapter 17 – First Fighting : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 38 Chapter 17 – First Fighting If the estimates of your losses could never be determined, the restrained non-custodial must watch his first amendment rights go south. Writing was never a desire of mine; but now, it is one of the few privileges that I still have; but the problem is that I cannot write my children, cannot contact them, and cannot contact anyone who has or can contact them. I call it a Draconian, immoral law; the courts call it an injunction; but in truth, it is the finest example of how attorney can use the word “implicit” to manufacture a lie. “Restraining orders, injunctions, and stalking have become the devices used to alienate this parent from his children. What is ironic is that the means to protect the “abused” is being “abused” by the so-called “abused”… - Kirk Rainer

Chapter 17 – First Fighting : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 39 Chapter 17 – First Fighting Fighting – is possible, but “the war” must be financed…. Insurmountable Injunction – and other names for this…. Again, The Plea Bargain – or “slow torture” as the primary…. Medical Evaluations – and the “conditional” application…. Recurring Themes – and other devices of the arsenal that…. Duped into… - the belief that their father will hurt them is…. “First Fighting” – how far would someone go to….

Chapter 18 – Undone Undoing : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 40 Chapter 18 – Undone Undoing The conflict – even war – has taken an undetermined toil on my children because it is something they cannot forget. As I write this closing chapter, the possibilities are very predictable because, like the forces of nature, the aftermath of divorce leads to many losses for the children as children…and as adults. Should I have the opportunity, God willing, there will be much need for undoing what has been undone – to re-build, if possible, what has been destroyed through years of alienation coupled with fears of abandonment. Lord, let it begin… “A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time…to mend…” - Ecclesiastes, The Message

Chapter 18 – Undone Undoing : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 41 Chapter 18 – Undone Undoing Undoing – is to undo that which has been undone through…. Ecclesiastes – and in the inspiration of the book to…. Why is Dad crucial? – to his family and…. Finances and War – with or without, the fight is daunting…. “Single Parent Syndrome” – and the consequences of…. Nature of Man – when driven away, he will detach and…. “Bad Mouthing” – never helps, but always hurts everyone…. Myths and Misinformation – and special interests that…. Demise of Dads – could be the final chapter if fathers…. Rules of Engagement – are not equally shared but…. Social and Internal War – subsiding sensitivity to…. “Undone Undoing” – must begin with love, and then….

Worthy Words… : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 42 Worthy Words… While sharing my personal war, I have become more aware of the large-scale war on the American family. As one minister shared with me recently, and as reminded by Promise Keepers years ago, men are desperately needed to “stand in the gap” in the most critical crisis of our time, our society, and our culture. As a parent – though alienated from my children – I am also acutely aware of the privilege of being a parent; and to those who have and do commit themselves to this most valuable vocation, your children and their children will come to appreciate it. To the alienated or separated parents who, like myself, want the same; I hope and pray for reconciliation and restoration of these relationships that your children and their children will come to appreciate it, too.

Worthy Words… : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 43 Worthy Words… One additional party that has not been directly mentioned is the grandparents who suffer the losses—and most often, through no fault of their own. My experience and observations have witnessed a growing of grandparents that are becoming de facto parents because of failing parental responsibility. But at the other extreme is those grandparents denied access to grandchildren for whom they may have been deeply involved, even caretakers as well. This second of the two is among collateral damage described in the last and prior chapters.

Worthy Words… : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 44 Worthy Words… On the subject and importance of grandparents, Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee write in Second Chances: Grandparents can play a particular role, especially if their marriages are intact: symbolic generational continuity and living proof to children that relationships can be lasting, reliable and dependable. Grandparents also convey a sense of tradition and a special commitment to the young that extends beyond and over the parents’ heads. Their encouragement, friendship and affection has special meaning for children of divorce; it specifically counteracts the children’s sense that all relationships are unhappy and transient.

Worthy Words… : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 45 Worthy Words… In my own experience, these folks (of a bygone era of parenting) cannot generally comprehend the conduct that occurs in the courts today; they cannot conceive the sanctioning of purposeful destruction on the premise of personal rights and wants—rather than the sustaining of families on the proof of sacrifice and responsibility. Many of these folks grew-up in an era when commitment and promises meant something—as did marriage and family. Individuals who defied such customs and rites were punished rather than promoted in their cause—if not by the family, than by the community and greater good. I’m certain that their “era” had its injustices and shortcomings but, in the collective, represented a much more viable and valued period for parents.

Worthy Words… : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 46 Worthy Words… The appraisal of the present product of no-fault divorce as “the greatest social crisis” is not my doing; but rather, the determination of those who have researched and reported at much greater depth and acumen. For the rest of us, and particularly those who are casualties of the war, the “crisis” is very real and personal. For the balance of society however, a distorted view remains; and the special interests are busy ensuring status quo. As long as they are able to dupe the greater society—or until society is enlightened to the facts—fathers and family continue moving toward endangerment, the fabric of our society continues to unravel, and the sacrifices and responsibility of past parenting will be no more.

Reserved Resources, Page 1 of 5 : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 47 Reserved Resources, Page 1 of 5 Life without Father: Compelling New Evidence that Fatherhood and Marriage are Indispensable for the Good of Children and Society. David Popenoe. Martin Kessler Books, the Free Press, c1996. How Now Shall We Live? Colson, Charles. W.Tyndale House Publishers,1999. Father and Child Reunion. Warren Farrell. Penguin Putnam Inc., 2001 Fatherless America, David Blankenhorn, BasicBooks, 1995 www.dadrights.org www.responsiblefatherhood.org www.dadsusa.com www.sedoparking.com/fatherhoodproject.org www.acfc.org

Reserved Resources, Page 2 of 5 : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 48 Reserved Resources, Page 2 of 5 Defusing the High-Conflict Divorce, Bernard Gaulier, Judith Margerum, Jerome A. Price, James Windell, Impact Publishers, 2007 Divorce Recovery Seminar, St. Augustine, 2006-2007 Second Chances (…Who Wins, Who Loses – and Why), Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis and Sandy Blakeslee. Hyperion, 1990 Don’t Divorce Us! (Kids’ Advice to Divorcing Parents), Rita Sommors-Flanagan, Chelsea Elander, and John Sommers-Flanagan, American Counseling Association, 2000 The Custody Revolution : The Father Factor and the Motherhood Mystique, Richard A. Warshak. Poseidon Press, c1992. Adult Children of Divorce: Breaking the Cycle and Finding Fulfillment in Love Marriage, and Family. Edward W. Beal and Gloria Hochman. Delacorte Press, c1991

Reserved Resources, Page 3 of 5 : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 49 Reserved Resources, Page 3 of 5 The Message. Eugene Peterson, NavPress, 2003 The Liberator, “Dr. Robert Williams and his ‘income-shared’ child support model” James Johnson, American Coalition of Fathers and Children (ACFC), Fall 2008 “Windsong”, John Denver, Joe Henry, RCA, September 1975 Dan’s Wild, Wild Weather Page, “Wind”, www.wildwildweather.com Why Good People Do Bad Things, Erwin Lutzer, Word Publishing, 2001 Hitler’s Cross, Erwin Lutzer, Moody Publishers, 1998 “U.S. divorce rate falls to lowest level since 1970”, MSNBC, 2008 “Study: Divorce, unwed parenting costs billions” MSNBC, 2008 Wikipedia, “Father’s Rights’ Movement, “Where have all the flowers gone?” Peter Seeger.

Reserved Resources, Page 4 of 5 : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 50 Reserved Resources, Page 4 of 5 Divorce Decree, Gwinnett County GA, October 2000 Mark Twain, Quotes Quit Claim Deed, State of Georgia, October 2000 Letter the Law Firm of Donald Weissman, Atlanta Georgia, 2001 “Gone With the Wind”, Quote from O’Hara Taken into Custody, Stephen Baskerville, Cumberland House Publishing, 2007 The Wonder of Girls, Michael Gurian, Pocket Books, Simon & Schuster, 2002 “A Mirrors Harder to Hold”, Jonathon Foreman, Credential Recordings, 2008 “Reflections”, Diana Ross & the Supremes, Motown, 1968

Reserved Resources, Page 5 of 5 : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 51 Reserved Resources, Page 5 of 5 Father Facts (5th Edition), National Fatherhood Initiative, 2007 “What happened to Marriage?”, Kingsley Davis, quoted from Fatherless America, 1995 Milton Friedman, The Open Mind, broadcast in New York City on WPIX, Channel 11, Sunday, December 7, 1975 The Tyranny of Good Intentions, Paul Roberts and Lawrence Stratton, New York: Prima, 2000. A Once Friend, telephone conversation in the summer of 2006 involving notice of broken friendship A Once Friend, a letter written in 2000; misc. conversations in the early years of the post-divorce. Johnny Cochrane, "The Color of Justice is Green."

In-Process Index : 

hkirkrainer.org -- Audio 2009 52 In-Process Index An index is being considered but will not necessarily be developed; the decision will be made at a later time and with more information…

authorStream Live Help