The Ridder Leadership Conference

The Ridder Leadership Conference: 

The Ridder Leadership Conference Vital Leaders for Healthy Congregations

The Ridder Leadership Conference: 

The Ridder Leadership Conference Facilitator Training

What Do We Expect to Accomplish This Week?: 

What Do We Expect to Accomplish This Week?

Slide5: 

Personal Mastery Skills Relationships

Two Variables At Work: 

Two Variables At Work 1. Level of Emotional Maturity 2. Level of Anxiety and Tension

Emotional Reactivity: 

Emotional Reactivity The capacity to react without thinking

Anxiety: 

Anxiety Reaction to threat or perceived threat

Acute Anxiety: 

Acute Anxiety Reaction to threat that is REAL and TIME-LIMITED

Chronic Anxiety: 

Chronic Anxiety Reaction to threat that is IMAGINED or EXAGGERATED and NOT TIME-LIMITED

Chronic Anxiety: 

Chronic Anxiety Imagined or Exaggerated Not time-limited Ambient level in a family’s life May begin with an acute crisis Develops a life of its own Requires two poles to function Additive Contagious

About Theory: 

About Theory

Slide13: 

When one person make some basic changes, the whole system does.

Slide14: 

A B C = D Linear Thinking

Slide15: 

A B C D Multiple Causation

Slide16: 

A B C D Systems Thinking

Slide17: 

Concept One: Triangles

Slide18: 

A B C Triangles

Slide19: 

A B C Triangles

Slide20: 

Concept Two: Scale of Differentiation of Self 0 100 Intellectual Emotional

Slide22: 

100 Equal Separate Open

Slide23: 

0

Slide24: 

50

Slide25: 

25

Slide26: 

Concept Three: Nuclear Family Emotional System Conflict

Slide27: 

Concept Three: Nuclear Family Emotional System Distance

Slide28: 

Concept Three: Nuclear Family Emotional System Overfuntioning/ Underfunctioning

Slide29: 

Concept Three: Nuclear Family Emotional System Triangling

Slide30: 

Concept Four: Multigenerational Emotional System

Slide31: 

35 35 Concept Five: Family Projection Process

Slide32: 

35 35 Concept Five: Family Projection Process

Slide33: 

35 35 Concept Five: Family Projection Process

Slide34: 

35 35 30 Concept Five: Family Projection Process

Slide35: 

35 35 40 30 Concept Five: Family Projection Process

Slide36: 

Concept Six: Sibling Position

Slide37: 

Concept Seven: Cutoff Extreme form of distancing

Slide38: 

Concept Eight: Societal Emotional Process

Slide39: 

Concept Nine: Spiritual Journey

Characteristics of an Anxious System: 

Characteristics of an Anxious System

Characteristics of an Anxious System: Heightened Reactivity: 

Characteristics of an Anxious System: Heightened Reactivity Automatic Instinctive Interruptions Thinking for each other Finishing sentences Take things personally Make things personal Organizes around the least mature member

Characteristics of an Anxious System: Herding Instinct: 

Characteristics of an Anxious System: Herding Instinct Pressure to conformity Discouraging dissent Peace over progress B&W, all-or-nothing thinking

Characteristics of an Anxious System: Blame Displacement: 

Characteristics of an Anxious System: Blame Displacement Looking outward for explanations rather than inward Victim attitude Diagnosing, focusing on others Failure to take responsibility

Slide44: 

Genesis 3 The Blame Game

Characteristics of an Anxious System: The Quick Fix: 

Characteristics of an Anxious System: The Quick Fix Expect others to solve our problems And to do it now And painlessly Symptom focused Recycles anxiety elsewhere

Characteristics of an Anxious System: Poor Leadership: 

Characteristics of an Anxious System: Poor Leadership No clear vision No well-thought- out principles The chronically anxious system is ultimately leaderless

Murray Bowen:: 

Murray Bowen: “When any key member of an emotional system can control his own emotional reactiveness and accurately observe the functioning of the system and his part in it, and he can avoid counter-attacking when he is provoked, and when he can maintain an active relationship with the other key members without withdrawing or becoming silent, (then) the entire system will change in a series of predictable steps.”

Slide48: 

Personal Obedience A Community of Grace and Truth Reflective Living The Threefold Process of Personal Transformation Fig. 1.1

Slide49: 

Where Am I? Less Healthy Congregation Healthier Congregation More Vital Leadership Less Vital Leadership 100 0 0 100

Quadrant IMore Vital Leader, Less Healthy Congregation: 

Quadrant I More Vital Leader, Less Healthy Congregation Calmer leader Does not contribute to the mess Stays connected Watches process Maintains objectivity Stays focused on principle Focused on self High anxiety Togetherness forces are strong Fearful of future Blame Irresponsible Lack of purpose, focus

Quadrant IIMore Vital Leader, Healthier Congregation: 

Quadrant II More Vital Leader, Healthier Congregation Deeply held, clearly defined mission, purpose, and values Solvable problems get solved Calmer, more thoughtful More objective about issues More “yes” than “no” about life Less fear of the future Disagree without distance More difficult to throw off balance

Quadrant IIILess Vital Leader, Less Healthy Congregation: 

Quadrant III Less Vital Leader, Less Healthy Congregation Mission and purpose die Fear of the future More “no’s” than “yes” Security-oriented Quick fixes Lots of blame Lack of authentic relationships Conflict/Distance

Quadrant IVLess Vital Leader, Healthier Congregation: 

Quadrant IV Less Vital Leader, Healthier Congregation Anxious leader Decisions are difficult to make Conflict/Distance Fearful of future Blaming/ other-focused No clear goals or defined principles Driven by togetherness Not easily thrown off balance Lay leaders exercise positive influence Disagreement without conflict or distance No quick fixes Freedom of thought

Slide54: 

Nuclear Family Diagram Figure 6.1

Slide55: 

Family Diagram with Addition of Family of Origin Figure 6.2

Slide56: 

Extended Family Diagram Fig. 6.3

Slide57: 

Engaging New Behaviors Consciously Competent

Beyond the Problem Focus: 

Beyond the Problem Focus Observing self more Thinking through our own principles Attending to our needs and interests Attending to our own adult relationships Seeing the part played by nuclear and extended family systems Seeing the part we play in the problem in the family Maintaining positive emotional contact with the congregation Working with the congregation around the problem based on facts and thoughtfulness

Want to change: 

Want to change (1) Pray (2) Transformation (3)

Slide60: 

Personal transformation comes through discipleship.

Slide61: 

Discipleship means that we are with Jesus to learn from Jesus how to be like Jesus. --Dallas Willard

Slide62: 

A commitment that is not visible in humble service, suffering discipleship, and creative love is an illusion --Brennan Manning

Personal obedience: 

Personal obedience (1) Reflective living (2) Community of grace and truth (3) Process of Personal Transformation

Focus on connection: 

Family Patterns Focus on connection (1) Learn to define self (2) Give up overfunctioning (3) Create pause button (4)

Slide65: 

Relationship Bank Account

Slide66: 

The Transformed Family

Slide67: 

I cannot change the system— I can only change myself within the system.

Slide68: 

Personal Obedience Who is my neighbor?

Slide69: 

Reflective Lifestyle What’s the plan?

Slide70: 

Community of grace and truth Stay connected at all costs!

Slide71: 

Transformation through spiritual depth

Slide72: 

Transformation through spiritual depth

Slide73: 

personal obedience “What did Jesus do?”

Slide74: 

Personal Obedience

Slide75: 

Reflective lifestyle

Slide76: 

Solitude and silence

Slide77: 

Fasting

Slide78: 

Meditation and worship

Slide79: 

Study

Slide80: 

Confession

Slide82: 

Journaling

Slide83: 

Service

Slide84: 

Community of grace and truth

Slide85: 

Celebration 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Chastity 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Confession 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Fasting 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Journaling 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Meditation 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Prayer 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Service 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Silence 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Solitude 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Spiritual direction 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Study 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Worship 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Spiritual Disciplines

Slide86: 

Meditation 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Prayer 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Fasting 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Study 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Simplicity 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Solitude 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Submission 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Service 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Confession 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Worship 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Guidance 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Celebration 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Spiritual Disciplines

Well-Formed Outcomes: Writing Transformational Goals: 

Well-Formed Outcomes: Writing Transformational Goals State it Positively Sensory-based language Self-initiated & controlled Properly contextualized Secondary gain Ecology The mind doesn’t deal well with negatives What will it look like, feel like, sound like? Can you start it and can you do it? What are the boundaries? Why don’t you already have it? Who else is involved? Who will be affected?