Presentation Transcript
Working with Difficult People : Working with Difficult People Rob Houser
rob@userfirst.net w w w . u s e r f i r s t . n e t It Doesn’t Matter How Right You Are If Nobody Is Listening DBA
Slide2 : Working with people is what we do
Slide3 : Why are OTHER “people” so difficult to work with? stress not getting what they want learned behavior YOUr behavior F E A R inflexibility
Slide4 : What do you think is the default conflict mode for most technical communicators? Answer: E AVOIDING Competing
Compromising
Accommodating
Collaborating
Avoiding
Slide5 : Chronic difficult behavior requires ACTION An over-reliance on avoidance results in:
Stress
Loss of opportunities
Difficult behavior
Job turnover You can’t change other people’s behavior, so you have to learn to cope with it (constructively).
Common Difficult Behaviors : Sherman Tanks
Snipers
Exploders
Know-it-all Experts
Think-they-know-it-alls Super-Agreeables
Indecisives
Unresponsives
Complainers
Negativists
Common Difficult Behaviors
Sherman Tanks : Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt, intimidating, overwhelming, confrontational
Feel strong need to prove that their view of the world is always right
Get irritated or angry if sense resistance
See tasks as clear and concrete
Value assertiveness and confidence Sherman Tanks
Snipers : Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs used to make you look foolish in groups
Hides behind crowds and social constraints
Often very witty
Share Tank’s strong sense of how others should act but is often unrealistic
Can turn into a Tank if exposed Snipers
Exploders : Adult tantrum, rage barely under control
When person feels thwarted and threatened
May cry, be silently enraged, or yell/scream
Anger often moves to suspicion and blaming
Creates highest amount of resentment among others of all behaviors Exploders
Know-it-all Experts : Highly productive, thorough and accurate thinkers, careful planners
Believe facts and knowledge provide stability; answers lie within themselves
Low tolerance for correction/contradiction
Condescending, don’t wait for others to catch up to their thought process or seek input from others Know-it-all Experts
Think-they-know-it-alls : Seek the admiration and respect of others by trying to act like experts when they are not
Don’t always know they are not experts
Curious people; like to learn a little about a lot of things Think-they-know-it-alls
Super-Agreeables : Want to be liked and loved by everyone
Make others feel liked and approved of
Tell you things that are satisfying to hear
Often use humor to ease conversation
Say “Yes” to everything but often don’t deliver because they are over-committed
Can secretly be resentful of doing so much Super-Agreeables
Indecisives : Put off making important decisions because they don’t want to hurt anyone
Have high standards
Strive to help people
Usually stall until the decision is made Indecisives
Unresponsives : Close down, even when asked direct question (answer yes, no, I don’t know)
Clam up when you need a response or expect conversation
Difficult to determine why they are silent Unresponsives
Complainers : Find fault with everything, complain constantly, accusatory, prescriptive
Feel someone should be doing something but feel helpless to take action
Have distinct idea of what should be done
Usually is some truth to their complaints Complainers
Negativists : Feel defeated and dispirited as though they have little power over their lives
Pessimistic, more bitter than complainers
Bring others down quickly
Say “We’ve tried this before” or “That won’t work” without looking for solutions Negativists
Acknowledge Positive Intent : FOCUS ON TASKS
Control (to get the job done)
Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
Perfection (to get it right)
Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives
Acknowledge Positive Intent
Acknowledge Positive Intent : FOCUS ON PEOPLE
Approval Seeking (to get along)
Super-agreeables, Indecisives
Attention Getting (to get appreciation)
Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers Acknowledge Positive Intent
Coping Methods : Sherman Tanks
Snipers
Exploders
Know-it-all Experts
Think-they-know-it-alls Super-Agreeables
Indecisives
Unresponsives
Complainers
Negativists Coping Methods
Sherman Tanks : Stand up for yourself without fighting
Get their attention, carefully
Get them to sit down
Restate the problem briefly
Speak from your own point of view
Be ready to be friendly Sherman Tanks
Snipers : Surface the attack immediately
Ask about intent and relevancy
Seek group confirmation or denial of the sniper’s criticism
Move on to solve any problems uncovered
Resolve on-going problems with friendly snipers in private Snipers
Exploders : Give them time to run down
Get their attention
Show that you take them seriously
Reduce the intensity (take a break)
Identify and solve underlying problems Exploders
Know-it-all Experts : Do your homework
Listen and acknowledge respectfully
Present your views indirectly
Ask extensional questions to get details
Acknowledge their competence
Make time for reflection
As last resort, let them be the expert Know-it-all Experts
Think-they-know-it-alls : Give them a little attention
Clarify for specifics
State the facts as an alternative version
Give them a way out
Break the cycle Think-they-know-it-alls
Super-agreeables : Make honesty non-threatening
Be personal - when you can
Listen to their humor
Be prepared to compromise if in conflict
Help them learn to plan realistically
Ensure commitment
Strengthen the relationship Super-agreeables
Indecisives : Establish a comfort zone
Surface the issues
Help them problem solve (make decision)
Reassure after decision is made
Ensure follow through
Strengthen the relationship Indecisives
Unresponsives : Ask open-ended questions
Use the friendly, silent stare
Don’t fill the space with words
Comment on what’s happening (guess)
If person stays silent, terminate meeting and reschedule
Show the future Unresponsives
Negativists : Avoid getting drawn in by stating your own realistic optimism
Don’t argue
Explore the problem before solutions
Set a horror floor
Use comments to make decisions
Be ready to take action on your own Negativists
Complainers : Listen attentively to their complaints
Acknowledge what they say
Be prepared to interrupt to get specifics
Re-state the facts without agreeing or apologizing
Move quickly into problem solving
Draw the line (what do you expect to happen) Complainers
Basic Strategy : Reflect positive intent and valued criteria
Listen (but stop destructive behavior)
Summarize (length depends on behavior)
Clarify questions to collect details
State your positive intent
Mirror valued criteria
Basic Strategy
Conclusion : Conclusion Avoid attributing internal motives to behavior
Remember that everybody is somebody’s difficult person sometime
Recommended Books : Bramson, Robert M. Coping With Difficult People. Dell Publishing. New York: 1981.
Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. People Styles at Work. American Management Association. New York: 1996
Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Dealing With People You Can’t Stand. R.R. Donnelley & Sons. New York: 1994.
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