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Working with Difficult People : Working with Difficult People Rob Houser rob@userfirst.net w w w . u s e r f i r s t . n e t It Doesn’t Matter How Right You Are If Nobody Is Listening DBA


Slide2 : Working with people is what we do


Slide3 : Why are OTHER “people” so difficult to work with? stress not getting what they want learned behavior YOUr behavior F E A R inflexibility


Slide4 : What do you think is the default conflict mode for most technical communicators? Answer: E AVOIDING Competing Compromising Accommodating Collaborating Avoiding


Slide5 : Chronic difficult behavior requires ACTION An over-reliance on avoidance results in: Stress Loss of opportunities Difficult behavior Job turnover You can’t change other people’s behavior, so you have to learn to cope with it (constructively).


Common Difficult Behaviors : Sherman Tanks Snipers Exploders Know-it-all Experts Think-they-know-it-alls Super-Agreeables Indecisives Unresponsives Complainers Negativists Common Difficult Behaviors


Sherman Tanks : Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt, intimidating, overwhelming, confrontational Feel strong need to prove that their view of the world is always right Get irritated or angry if sense resistance See tasks as clear and concrete Value assertiveness and confidence Sherman Tanks


Snipers : Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs used to make you look foolish in groups Hides behind crowds and social constraints Often very witty Share Tank’s strong sense of how others should act but is often unrealistic Can turn into a Tank if exposed Snipers


Exploders : Adult tantrum, rage barely under control When person feels thwarted and threatened May cry, be silently enraged, or yell/scream Anger often moves to suspicion and blaming Creates highest amount of resentment among others of all behaviors Exploders


Know-it-all Experts : Highly productive, thorough and accurate thinkers, careful planners Believe facts and knowledge provide stability; answers lie within themselves Low tolerance for correction/contradiction Condescending, don’t wait for others to catch up to their thought process or seek input from others Know-it-all Experts


Think-they-know-it-alls : Seek the admiration and respect of others by trying to act like experts when they are not Don’t always know they are not experts Curious people; like to learn a little about a lot of things Think-they-know-it-alls


Super-Agreeables : Want to be liked and loved by everyone Make others feel liked and approved of Tell you things that are satisfying to hear Often use humor to ease conversation Say “Yes” to everything but often don’t deliver because they are over-committed Can secretly be resentful of doing so much Super-Agreeables


Indecisives : Put off making important decisions because they don’t want to hurt anyone Have high standards Strive to help people Usually stall until the decision is made Indecisives


Unresponsives : Close down, even when asked direct question (answer yes, no, I don’t know) Clam up when you need a response or expect conversation Difficult to determine why they are silent Unresponsives


Complainers : Find fault with everything, complain constantly, accusatory, prescriptive Feel someone should be doing something but feel helpless to take action Have distinct idea of what should be done Usually is some truth to their complaints Complainers


Negativists : Feel defeated and dispirited as though they have little power over their lives Pessimistic, more bitter than complainers Bring others down quickly Say “We’ve tried this before” or “That won’t work” without looking for solutions Negativists


Acknowledge Positive Intent : FOCUS ON TASKS Control (to get the job done) Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls Perfection (to get it right) Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives Acknowledge Positive Intent


Acknowledge Positive Intent : FOCUS ON PEOPLE Approval Seeking (to get along) Super-agreeables, Indecisives Attention Getting (to get appreciation) Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers Acknowledge Positive Intent


Coping Methods : Sherman Tanks Snipers Exploders Know-it-all Experts Think-they-know-it-alls Super-Agreeables Indecisives Unresponsives Complainers Negativists Coping Methods


Sherman Tanks : Stand up for yourself without fighting Get their attention, carefully Get them to sit down Restate the problem briefly Speak from your own point of view Be ready to be friendly Sherman Tanks


Snipers : Surface the attack immediately Ask about intent and relevancy Seek group confirmation or denial of the sniper’s criticism Move on to solve any problems uncovered Resolve on-going problems with friendly snipers in private Snipers


Exploders : Give them time to run down Get their attention Show that you take them seriously Reduce the intensity (take a break) Identify and solve underlying problems Exploders


Know-it-all Experts : Do your homework Listen and acknowledge respectfully Present your views indirectly Ask extensional questions to get details Acknowledge their competence Make time for reflection As last resort, let them be the expert Know-it-all Experts


Think-they-know-it-alls : Give them a little attention Clarify for specifics State the facts as an alternative version Give them a way out Break the cycle Think-they-know-it-alls


Super-agreeables : Make honesty non-threatening Be personal - when you can Listen to their humor Be prepared to compromise if in conflict Help them learn to plan realistically Ensure commitment Strengthen the relationship Super-agreeables


Indecisives : Establish a comfort zone Surface the issues Help them problem solve (make decision) Reassure after decision is made Ensure follow through Strengthen the relationship Indecisives


Unresponsives : Ask open-ended questions Use the friendly, silent stare Don’t fill the space with words Comment on what’s happening (guess) If person stays silent, terminate meeting and reschedule Show the future Unresponsives


Negativists : Avoid getting drawn in by stating your own realistic optimism Don’t argue Explore the problem before solutions Set a horror floor Use comments to make decisions Be ready to take action on your own Negativists


Complainers : Listen attentively to their complaints Acknowledge what they say Be prepared to interrupt to get specifics Re-state the facts without agreeing or apologizing Move quickly into problem solving Draw the line (what do you expect to happen) Complainers


Basic Strategy : Reflect positive intent and valued criteria Listen (but stop destructive behavior) Summarize (length depends on behavior) Clarify questions to collect details State your positive intent Mirror valued criteria Basic Strategy


Conclusion : Conclusion Avoid attributing internal motives to behavior Remember that everybody is somebody’s difficult person sometime


Recommended Books : Bramson, Robert M. Coping With Difficult People. Dell Publishing. New York: 1981. Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. People Styles at Work. American Management Association. New York: 1996 Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Dealing With People You Can’t Stand. R.R. Donnelley & Sons. New York: 1994. Recommended Books