The Haynes Uglacy Redux 3

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Vol. 3: Finger-Lickin’ Good The Uglacy Haynes REDUX

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HiYA!! Welcome back to the uglacy that karate chops any self-appreciating sim in half, The Haynes Uglacy! In our last chapter, the twins had grown up, Twyla Haynes had died (YAY), Kevin had reached the top of his career, and I had come down with a bad cold (BOO). Still, we journey forward, trying not to think about the amount of coursework I’m going to have for missing school today! Anyway, Gen. 2 has entered the house. Lock up your evil bunnies.

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In all legacy tradition, I’ve created my Sims 3 SimMe. I’m a Rockstar and my guitar skills are suffering dramatically due to the fact I kind of boolpropped my career placement. Shh! Anyway, cheating does come with repercussions. Remember that, people.

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What to do when you’re bored at your grandma’s house on Thanksgiving? Make Simselves that don’t look like you at all! My cousin made this sim as an, uh, incarnation of herself. As you see, Mary is very rockerish, no? I also took them on their first vacation with World Adventures! It would’ve been more exciting if my game didn’t run like crap and all. Mary: “1, 2, 3 not only you and me Got one eighty degrees And I'm caught in between Countin‘…” AHHHHH MAKE IT STOP—I mean, isn’t she talented? *cough* Just kidding, Mare. Don’t quit your day job, though.

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Kevin: “I don’t know, it sounded somewhat like Britney.” Yes, that’s why it was so awful. *ZING* Ahem, when I’m not insulting Hollywood’s beloved icons, I’m playing the Haynes household. Kevin is getting up in his years and he has already secured his LTW. Kevin: “Hmph…no vacation?” We’ve barely crossed the 10k mark in funds, sweetheart. Sorry. *P.S.– If you want to tell me not to hate Britney and that she’s going through a rough patch yak yak yak, you can consult with my evil ninja bunny. Don’t tempt him with carrots. That’s all I’m saying.*

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Abstract just seemed like the kind of jockish jack-donkey, so I gave him a varsity jacket and let him get his Don Juan comb-over. Abstract: “Huh…I feel like pounding little nerd boys into lockers and taking their lunch money. Not to mention, I get a few scores behind the bleachers, if you know what I mean…” No, you don’t. You’re a virgin. And you’re staying that way. =D

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Meanwhile…Argyle’s a more…sensitive boy. Argyle: “I see you there…you mock me in my standing. Just because I’m wearing black and have an individual style, you don’t see me fit for society. So what are you going to do? Push me around? Flush my head in the toilet?” Abstract: “Actually, I wanted to go to sleep, but that works, too. Although, could you help me get my arm out of the door?” Argyle: “For your insincerity, no.” God, twins you two are NOT.

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A basement bathroom, yes? The upstairs one is always preoccupied with Senior Grapebladder, so I built a separate one. Also, it provides some privacy for the more brooding sim.

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Argyle: “I WIIIILL DESTROOOY YOUR SOOOOOOUL” God, can you put a little less ‘scream’ in screamo?

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Hey! I was just getting used to the balding guy that cleaned the house! Cari: “Sorry. Us maids are like Playboy bunnies. We get thrown out when we get too old.” What a life.

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Malcomb Langrabb going for a stroll! Malcomb: “My parents are too busy rolling naked in their wealth to care about me.” *shivers* Ewww…thanks for that image.

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Argyle: “Skilling is my only refuge in this crazy life I live.” Why don’t you write an album about it and expect that people will care? You could be the next Slipknot!

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Meanwhile, Abstract…studies. You are supposed to be the bad boy, Ab. Abstract: “Ehhh! Even Fonzie-wannabes need to learn!” No, I didn’t even choose that leather jacket. I could make a Greese parody. Kevin could be a Pink Lady.

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Twyla appears almost every night to stalk the family. I will ship you off to the Cemetery. Twyla: “*ghostly echo* Oh, shut up. My sparkly appearance amuses you.” Yeah, gets me right in the black hole of my heart.

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And she…works out? Twyla: “I want to keep fit for my Kevvy…” No, no, NO. Don’t put that guilt trip on me again.

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Twyhard: “yo sumbdy wan 2 chk out mah web cam?” DonnyL: “depends. wat r u wearing” Twyhard: “sumthing see-through” DonnyL: “oh dat’s hot” JackThompson: “EVIDENCE! EVIDENCE! THIS IS PURE EVIDENCE!!” DonnyL: “oooh…u have a friend. double hot”

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Just because he’s old doesn’t mean he’s not profitable in his age! The garden still thrives as bountiful as the first day of lawn living. Kevin: “I want a money tree!” Tough noodles.

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I also remodeled the kids’ bedroom for a more teenager feel. You can only have the anchor theme for so long until it becomes kind of creepy.

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And here I gave Argyle a car—haha, no. Actually, he was out past curfew, so we’re being escorted back home. We were hunting for ugly sims, officer! Not bar-hopping or smashing mailboxes in! Although, that would be pretty funny if we could.

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Kevin: “Where were you, boy? Out doing drugs or watching porn?” Argyle: “No, Dad! I went to a The Used concert and cried in the park!” Kevin: “Riiiight. That’s what you want me to think.” Uh, Kevin. He really did go to a concert and cry over his dead mom in the park. Kevin: “Trust a teenager to believe a teenager.”

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EEEEK. Stewart, is that you? Stewart: “Yeah, so? Hey, uh, does your sim Argyle go both ways?” EWWW. NO. If Stimulate Genetic Merger was still available, yes, but evidently EA’s against gay parenting.

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*yawn* Time for a birthday so soon? Argyle: “This flowery cake mocks my age. People don’t understand what I’m capable of. I shall blow these candles out and eat this cake with VENGEANCE.” Uh, huh. *looks at watch* Can we hurry this up? I have clothes in the dryer.

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And Argyle turns into Harry Potter. Fascinating. He gets ‘Good’ as a fifth trait. A good kleptomaniac. Oh, boy.

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Abstract: “FEED ME” Blow the candles out. Abstract: “FEED ME FIRST” Blow. The. Candles. Out. Abstract: “$@#)($*(@)# FEED ME” *fires up blowtorch*

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He grows up hot-looking and gains WhateverDontCare as a fifth trait. Eat and get out.

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*drooooooool* Argyle: “Uh, caption?” *dazed* Yes, I’ll be your captain. Argyle: “CAPTION.” *shakes head* Whoh…too much Coke.

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Oh, what? I didn’t hear the music. Hehe…why such tight pants for a burglar? Burglar: “Distracts the towns folk.” Ah. ‘Cause, you know, people don’t see the stripes and hamburglar mask. Burglar: “Oh, bite me. The police woman’s here.”

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FALCON PUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!!! Argyle: “That burglar alarm doesn’t match the house!”

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Police Woman: “What have we learned tonight, dear?” Burglar: “*sigh* Leather pants should be only used for good. And in intimate situations, preferably involving whips.” OUT.

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Um, exactly how smart is it to let a burglar stand on the sidewalk while you survey the house? Police Woman: “Handcuffs electrify her if she tries to get away.” Ah.

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Argyle: “Dad! I understand your addiction to the video games, but this has to stop!” I know he shouldn’t do it, but…Kevin’s getting so old. *sniff*

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So Argyle skills…in his underwear. *giggle* His LTW is to be Jack of All Trades. That means reaching level five of four different careers. I sign him up for Politics, only to learn that you have to have lots of friends to advance in Charisma. Screw that.

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Kevin talks to his ‘fiance’. Their relationship with each other deteriorated with Twyla’s passing. I would reconcile their marriage, you know, if I gave a monkey’s butt. Which I rarely do.

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Holy…I kicked Abstract out with no money and he moved into the empty mansion next to the legacy lot. Grrr…I hate you karma. I get annoying sims and they get a fortunate life. I miss Rodney’s Death Creator. =(

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Although, Abstract does have some hospitality. He’s still a smug little runt. When Argyle was about to leave, he swiped a phone. Good Argyle.

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Kevin. Kevin: “Oh, a blessed day of cleaning up after people and gardening. And that spa treatment you sent me for was simply divine. I shall live the next years of my life in grace.” Yeah…’bout that…

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*bawls* KEEEEEVIIIIIN!!! Don’t leave me so soon!!! Kevin: “Hmm? I can’t hear you over my Expiration.” Seriously, his action in his queue reads “Expire”. What are sims, cottage cheese?

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Grim reminds me of Voldemort for some reason. Grim: “Come, Kevin. You have lived a prosperous life.”

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Grim: “Dangnabbit!! How am I supposed to do my cliché ‘shaking hand’ thing with this bookshelf in the way?!?” You chose the most limited place in the house, dimwit.

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So, Kevin Haynes will be immortalized in this chapter for his fortitude and dedication to his glitched-up wife. He lived to top the Science career, reached his LTW of becoming of Creature Robot Cross Breeder, and have two children. Funny thing. As I was engraving epitaphs, the generated one for Twyla was “In memory of Twyla Haynes, somewhat missed.” Heh heh…of course, I kept it. I changed Kevin’s to “Kevin Haynes, best sim ever”.

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Argyle gets a job in the Culinary career because he already has 7 cooking points. Easy peasy. Yes, I am going for his LTW. Because I’m crazy nutzo.

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Twyla: “My, he’s grown into the quite the successful man, hasn’t he?” Argyle: “I don’t see this…I don’t see this…I need more sleep…”

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Twyla, get out of your son’s bed. Twyla: “Go screw yourself, kid.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Marsha Ursine: “HUZZAH!!” Holy…you are so getting married in.

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Well, I had one of those Opportunity Thingamabobbers and it said to take someone down to the Café for a meal. Poor Argyle got food poisoning. But he did get a performance increase! Yes, kids, pain is worth advancing in life.

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We make lunch in due time to invite Marsha over. Like the new styling of the kitchen? I know you don’t, but I do. And that’s all that matters.

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Those lips and nose are going to get me places, I know it. Oh, and Argyle and Marsha share their first kiss, I guess. Blah blah romantic stuff blah blah…

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Obligatory Woohoo before marriage. Hey, it’s a legacy tradition!

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Marsha is Insane. Have you guessed? Her wardrobe choices blind me with ugly beauty.

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Proposal time! Argyle is thrilled, really. Argyle: “More woohoo!” Yep. You know what that means…

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Oh…we shall have a fruitful relationship, Marsha. Marsha is an Insane, Clumsy, Athletic, Easily-Impressed, Mean-Spirited sim. Her favorites are Kids music, Pork Chops, and the color Spiceberry.

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I love how smug sims get when they know they’re going to get some action. Try for baby, now…mwhahahahaha.

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ZOMG KIDS ROOM. It’s all yellowy and starry. Hee hee…I also save on of Argyle’s fishes he catched and named it Fishstick. Yay, snappy word play ROX!!!

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Aye. Worst bathroom photo 3VAR. Notice how Marsha’s still rocking the mohawk? I didn’t have the heart to take it off! ^___^

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Although, she tends to let it all hang out. We’re off to do some ‘cising now!

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Alas, if I could walk four hours on a treadmill and become skinny, that would make my day.

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Marsha: “Somedays I’m a super b#(@#$, Up to my own tricks, But it keeps getting better.” True dat.

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She’s working her way up. Her LTW is to become a Superstar Athlete, so I signed her up for the Athletics career right away.

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And right in the intersection, she pops into pregnancy. Yayz, Gen. 3’s on the way!! Now, out to the sidewalk before you get turned into a Marsha-pancake.

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Studying Cooking in your underwear while the hot maid’s in your bedroom. You make your own tactless innuendos. Argyle’s a faithful man, though.

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Being preggers doesn’t stop me from working you to death! Already up to the 5th level! Woo! Marsha: “This baby’s going to turn into a Crepe if I do more crunches…” Well, there’s a reason the World Adventures loading screen says Create-A-Crepe...

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KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 Kevin: “Hmm…something’s different around here…” Uh, Argyle getting a wife? Kevin: “Hmmm, no…” Argyle’s wife being pregnant? Kevin: “No.” Then, what dagnabbit?! “Did you change the kitchen? *headdesk*

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Ghostface: “hey, dollface. Wat’s up? Twyhard: “ooh…*swoon* your grave or mine?” ICK. *reaches for bleach*

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GO INTO LABOR ALREADY. Marsha: “What’s the magic word?” #(#@)(@*#$)!#$*!@)#*#$($*(@($^!!!!

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Huh, what do you know. That was it.

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ZOMG YAY NO TWINS It’s a boy and his name is Brick— Marsha: “Brick? You named a child BRICK?” Yeah, whatcha gonna do ‘bout it? Marsha: “-___-”

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ZOMG DISHWASHER BROKE Ahem, I mean the dishwasher broke. Argyle: “I only have two Handiness points!” You rolled the want to fix it! So, get to it, Bob the Builder!

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Crib: 100 simoleans Babysitter service: 75 simoleans Paying those bucks so the damn moochers can play video games and try to eat your kids: priceless. “OMNOMNOMNOM”

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Preggers again!! Marsha: “Oh, flarg. Toilet molestation time!!” As always.

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You know, I hear the ghost music and always think I have a fire or burglar and I totally spaz out for a minute to find Kevin silently laughing at me. White-haired weirdo.

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Uh…ghosts drink coffee? Kevin: “Yes…God. I’m getting tired of all of the ghost discrimination. We eat, sleep, and haunt all like regular sims. Ghost power!” Yeah, except you’re transparent and you float and are kind of dead. Kevin: “That’s NOT the POINT.”

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NO! ARGYLE! THE B- *CRUNCH* Ah, great. We turned the spare into flambé…

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Brick’s getting ready to toddlerify and Marsha’s eyeing that cake too closely. Marsha: “PREGNANT HORMONE OVERRIDE, PREGNANT HORMONE OVERRIDE…CAKE AT 12 O’CLOCK, I REPEAT CAKE AT 12 O’CLOCK” Just spin the dang child!

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ZOMG UGLINESS Brick: “I say, can you at least be ever so kind to pronounce your words in a regimented order? You sound like 1337bot of EphemeralToast’s Ugothlacy.” Aw, great. We got a catty little snob. His traits are Clumsy and Virtuoso, like his pops.

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Seriously, he gives these looks in everything he does. Brick: “This mush is simply smashing! OMNOMNOMNOM” Taking lessons from your baby-hungry sitter?

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Time for some BABEEEYZ $KILL!NGZ Marsha: “I’m smiling like I kind of care.”

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Marsha: “WHY WAS I ONLY ALLOWED TO EAT WATERMELLON WHEN I’M HUNGRY????” Uh, no reason.

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Now, kids, it’s time for Sim Dance Theatre! Watch as the unsure father-to-be-again freaks out over his wife’s pregnancy! Jazz hands, my little actors, jazz hands!

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Don’t you love how it’s the same action as the SpazzyFireDance? He grabs his head, making irrational decisions! Argyle: “Uh, boil some water! Call a camel! Get me a beer!”

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“Wait! I know who always has rational decisions in our sim lives!” Oh? *yawn* And who would that be?

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“Give me guidance, Mr. Lefty!” Mr. Lefty: “I’m not giving advice as long as that five-fingered jerk is in the room!” Mr. Righty: “Who you callin’ five-fingered jerk, you five-fingered jerk!” Mr. Lefty: “You can kiss my middle finger, wannabe puppet!” Mr. Righty: “Well, bring it over here, buttwipe!” Uh, guys…I hate to break up this touching scene, but your wife’s giving birth… Mr. Lefty: “Talk to the hand!”

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Random Freaking Townie: “WHY CAN’T EVERYBODY JUST GET ALONG??????” Right. I think that’s where I’ll leave you. Join us next time for more Haynes Uglacy fun! Don’t trust what your fingers tell you.