The Haynes Uglacy Redux Vol. 1

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Vol. 1: Let There Be Ugly Sims The Uglacy Haynes REDUX

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Hello, fellow simmers! I am the writer of such works as the Blessings Legacy and the Haynes Uglacy, both which have died in a fiery blaze of lagging glitches. See, the problem was not that the families were corrupted or anything, it’s just the neighborhood didn’t…move. And since I’m stupid, I didn’t load a backup for Strangetown, so my beloved Haynes family was lost. I wasn’t ready to let it die. I finally trashed the neighborhood and uninstalled the Sims 2. So, this is a Sims 3 legacy, a predecessor of my past Haynes Uglacy and hopefully one I will actually continue. I have tried to write another, which doesn’t deserved to be named really because it ended up boring as crap. My advice would be to focus on the future than past attempts. Continuing something you hate is like stabbing yourself repeatedly with a blunt object.

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So, we shoot the starting gun! Welcome back Kevin Haynes, whose skin should be darker than it is in this picture! hahamygraphicssuck! Kevin: “How’d I let you sucker me into this again?” There was no sucking, unless you count me downing a whole bottle of Coke throughout your CAS conception. Kevin: “Shouldn’t you be doing homework or out with friends doing drugs or crying and bawling over the recession?” Hey, don’t rain on my parade, Mr. Glass-Half-Empty.

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Kevin here is a Neat, Mooching, Handy, Never-Nude, Family-Oriented nerd. He likes blue, Hamburgers, and Custom Music. Kevin: “Woo! Crank up Boys Like Girls!!” As from my dead uglacy, he is also has a, uh, closeted personality.

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Although, what specimen couldn’t like this man’s style? He’s a whole lot of yum. Too bad this is an uglacy. Kevin: “Shouldn’t I have a say in this?” Had you ever before? Kevin: “This is going to be depressing.” Aw…at least you have your health and a roof over your head, boy.

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Well, uh, at least you have your health. As the legacy rules insist, we buy the biggest lot and we are now lawn ornaments. Kevin: “Somebody find me some scissors.” Hey, the sim psyches are supposed to be more independent now. You shall be a shining example of a peasant’s fortitude. Kevin: “Why don’t you just can the Save the Whales speech and build me a ladderless pool?”

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To save Kevin from more disappointment, I get him a job in the Science career. His LTW is to reach level 9, Robot Cross-dresser or something. Kevin: “Oh, you know I would look good in metallic go-go boots.” His flamboyant side speaks.

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RANDOM REALIZATIONS The Science Facility looks more like the Imagination Movers playhouse. If you haven’t seen it, just picture four Dora the Explorers in mechanic suits singing.

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Tips for Sims 3 legacies…buying a bookcase is unnecessary when you’ve got a library. It’s free and you can use their computers. If you’re too lazy to take them downtown because you enjoy watching them go Stir Crazy, then just buy a bookcase, put the books in your inventory, and sell the bookcase back. It won’t be the same price, mind you, but that’s whatcha get for being a prodigal simmer. Not that I would be any of the sort. *cough* Kevin: “Mr. Plumbob says EDUMACATION: Learn me a book.” Was Mr. Plumbob by any chance a tutor to George W. Bush?

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I begin the Ugly Hunt, and come across this girl. She has a wide nose and lips and could be a possible candidate. I’ll keep you marked, hon. SimWhoseNameIForgot: “*sarcastic* Gee, I’m honored.”

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The Langeraks, all pretty and boring. Move along, you stupid pretty sims. And I know my game looks like a children’s pop-up book. It’s just how it is.

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Illiana: “HALLO!!! Why can’t I get in the seat?” Well, common sense could suggest that someone is already in it, ma’am. Illiana: “Where else am I going to sit?” Good question. I mean out of the many desks and armchairs sitting around this vast library, it seems you are in a pickle. Illiana: “Ugh, well…I guess I’ll sit on the floor.” Hope that’s a Logic book you’re reading, dear.

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Easy ways to get cash without the triviality of a job can be Gardening, Fishing, Collecting, and other coordinating hobbies with different traits. Since Kevin is Handy, he can fix other people’s objects for cash. And he is also a Mooch, which is a more unmoral way of cultivating extra money. Kevin: “Maybe if I plant a couple of books, knowledge trees would grow!!” I’d say your tree was pretty barren, love.

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Quick meals shouldn’t satisfy a sims’ hunger completely. I’m just saying. That’s kind of cheap, Maxis. Kevin: “What are you talking ‘bout? This juice box is a complete meal! I taste soup…grilled cheese…” Here’s hoping you don’t implode into a huge blueberry. Ha, that makes me want to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

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Kevin: “Man, I had a house in the other legacy.” Shush, you’re not supposed to remember that. I brainwashed you. Kevin: “Oh, just let me sleep, spaz.” In a minute…

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*sings* IIIII looooove yoooou, Create-a-Styyyyyle… Kevin: “If there is any justice in the world, I will die in my sleep.”

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You do not need to buy a shower when you have free gym access to take one. Not only that, but you have a snack bar and a swimming pool for fun! Ahhh…I should’ve made you a Frugal sim… Kevin: “Glad you’re happy…now let me wash the sweat from my body from sleeping in the heat all night…”

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Gladly. That’s right, ladies. Get a good look…

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…because he’s not sharing anything else. It’s a step-up from the pixels that could have me banned4lyfe. Kevin: “All this manliness has to be contained…” *coughheartboxersendcough* Kevin: “…I heard that.”

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Kevin readies for his second day of work by a morning cup of ice-cream. Mmmkay. I prefer a peanut-butter-slathered, fatty bagel myself. Kevin: “Let me guess…your drink is a cup of mayonnaise with a bendy straw?” No, it’s a cup of shut-the-hell-up-and-eat-your-ice-cream. Kevin: “That sounds repulsive.” As is eating on the toilet.

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So, Kevin here fixes his first TV. Trust me, this picture will become a routine thing. And I love how he fixes it through the front when the real wiring is in the back. Oh, sims. So scientifically incorrect.

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What a life. Getting up every morning, going to work in a disease-infested lab with geeks in wannabe doctor jackets, going to the library to skill to skill our brains out… Kevin: “Not to mention living in a YARD, sleeping on SPRINGS, drinking Emergen-C for a MEAL.” Someone needs a little fun in their life, I take?

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Ahhh…cheap entertainment. 150 bucks for this is true to life, except the extra 100 added from the recession. Go economic peril! Now play me some Paramore, you dazzling little machine.

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Oh, isn’t this camera angle grand. He works to improve things. God knows we’ll need some indestructible objects. Kevin: “Well, I need a few more Handiness points before I can shape titanium and steel into bathroom fixtures.” And maybe a forge. But this isn’t The Sims 2 Castaway. Back to “modern ages”. Pfft.

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Sleep is an incredibly slow process in my game and it doesn’t help that Kevin’s having to sleep on marbles. So I bought him a bit of an upgrade. Doesn’t that influence a promotion, Kevin? Kevin: “Influences a sudden craving for bleach.”

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I buy him an easel for fun purposes, because I try to find ways that sims can have fun and still learn at the same time. Sounds like an elementary simming technique, but who am I to pass up multi-tasking?

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The TV can also provide entertainment while teaching your sims about skills. Cooking and Gardening channels and the like can easily be required by buying the more expensive televisions. Exclusive stations require updates to the TV that don’t become available until your sim is more experienced in the Handiness field.

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I bought him a sink because he loves to clean and I had a opportunity to clean dishes for a performance raise. And it was called something like the Evaporating Dish experiment. I found it humorous. Have sims ever actually washed and dried dishes? No, they’ve made them disappear with some chemical reaction of soap and water. Scientifically ignorant…but then again, do people want to be reminded of the mundane tasks of everyday life in a video game?

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I broke down and bought him a crappy television. He comes home from work stressed out and Kevin needs a faster fun boost. Works to an advantage, seeing as Kevin rolled a wish to Be Worth 20,000 simoleans. Kevin: “Whoo…reruns of Keeping Up With the Kardashians! Alright…” Don’t make me delete it, now. Men. ><

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“What ‘chu lookin’ at?” Kind of pudgy, but not ugly enough. Nice hair do, BTW…orange roots and eyebrows with blonde hair. “Drives the ladies wild…” Yeah, in the opposite direction.

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No luck with the Ugly Hunt today. I did, however, find a sim resembling Melissa Joan Hart. She’s throwing furtive glances to nothing in particular… Melissa-Wannabe: “Staring at your sexy, sexy sim…” Nuh-uh, Langrabb trash! My Kevin’s too good for your spoiled, rich family.

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The newspaper girl is starting to make a crop circle of papers. Frightening, no? And no, I did not align them like this. Kevin: “Aww…don’t be so mean, she’s just showing her creative side!” Well, when you wake up and there’s papers spelling “GET OUT NOW”, don’t come crying to me.

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A week’s past and we still don’t have a house. Prune those plants, slave. Kevin: “Where’s an underground railroad when you need one…” Speaking of underground, I’m grateful for the new update to the game. Finally, we get a basement tool! Of course, there was that scare of not being able to save my progress with Error 16. Luckily, after I had downloaded the 1.6 update, the next day had the fix, so sometimes karma’s a good thing.

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Kevin procures a promotion and then some. Are we living the high life yet? Yes, a bed with a whopping 4 energy! I’m such a rebel.

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*snicker* This could be a Fruit of the Loom commercial… Kevin: “Dude…couldn’t I have changed first?” Why would you do that?

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I buy Kevin a better quality television. Hey, what can I say, I like him. He’s independent as Kevin was in the Sims 2 and more tolerable without the stupid coding of Freetime and its morbidly easy gameplay. Here, he’s studying Gardening before work. He makes it to level 5 without complaint! Ah…so easy to work with.

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I also purchase a stove and a smoke alarm. I wanted him to have an actual meal before work, but he burned the waffles. Can’t sims just put a couple Egos in the microwave and drown them in syrup like any other working class citizen?

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Kevin becomes a Fertilizer Researcher, or something. Level 4 of the Science career! Now, we need to start making daily trips downtown to find a suitable match of ugly for him.

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The basement tool does come with a few repercussions. The pools are sunk in now, giving off a horror movie black-water effect. Kevin is now swimming in here. No, I’m serious, he’s in there.

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See? I don’t know if it’s my game or just the fact that the Sims 3 team forgot something. What’s in the ground must have a bottom…I’m sure that’s a cultural pronoun somewhere.

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Vita Alto: “Like, why are all these unimportant people here? God, Holly…we should have called in advance if we knew these lowlifes were here. Imagine the tabloids that would stir if we caught exercising next to the Langrabbs…they only have money because that hussy Illiana was such a—” WHOA, PG-13! If you don’t like this place so much, you can go work out in your football-field of a living room! Or you could just watch the Fitness network and get your butler to do it for you. Holly: “Ugh, what’s with this get-up? Where’s my baby-pink plush sweats?” Oh hush, you stuck-up, wanna-be prima donnas.

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Pucker-Face: “Huh, I can’t believe my boss actually suspended me for my weight. I’m a cook! Has any one ever seen a skinny cook?” Maybe it’s because you were sneaking churros in your stomach rolls. PF: “THEY WERE FOR MY KIDS!!” Whatever.

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Kevin: “Hey, wait! I just wanted to play chess with you!” Miraj: “Sorry, my mommy doesn’t let me play chess with strangers.” Aww…Kevin’s lonely! Just one round? Kevin’s a moron, you’d probably beat him! Kevin: “HEY!”

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Holy Fish-Lips, Batman! Keviiiin…get over here… Yes, this is a woman. Her name is Twyla Summers and is evidently a burglar. She thought the open park with lots of people witnessing is safer than casing a secluded mansion. But who am I to argue a sim’s idiocy? She’s ugly, and that’s all that matters.

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Was he promoted to level 4 or 5 in this picture? Gah, I take all these pictures before I put captions. I’m saying 5 from his pretty lab coat. Something about carnivorous plants. Makes me miss the cowplant. *sigh* I know a few sims I’d love to feed to it.

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Twyla has a sort of austere facial structure. I can’t really decide if she’s ugly or somewhat pretty. I’m going on the latter. We found two of her traits, Unlucky and Evil. Well, that can’t be too bad. Kevin’s a Handy sim and we can just make everything unbreakable. Although, if she drops triplets on me, I’m going to delete the refrigerator. Twyla: “No you wouldn’t…you need someone to take care of the brats!” Did I say that Kevin was going to stay single? Twyla: “…you’re more evil than me. I might come to like you.”

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Kevin swoons in on the lovely crane, coaxing her in with the deep chestnut pools of his eyes. He begins his mating dance with persuasion. Kevin: “So, your wading pool or mine?” Aw, she’ll never fall for that cheesy line— Twyla: “*giggles* I don’t know…he could been worth it.” Eh, do I want to know what that means? Twyla: “He’s sweet and dorky. Not to mention I could get a couple thou for that crappy TV.” Ah.

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Why can I never get a picture of my sims’ lips touching? Anyway, this post-first-kiss. Although, Kevin does look a vampire luring in his prey. Twyla: “Ugh…he could never be Edward Cullen!” Twyla, dear, work with me here...

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Uh, Twyla takes a liking to the furnishings without my provocation. Twyla: “Just seeing if Kevin could fit on here with me.” You’re not even best friends yet. Gads, Kevin could be an easy player if I wanted him to be…

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Although, that doesn’t stunt my curiosity. She does look kind pretty here, but I don’t know…she confuses me. Anyway, let’s go the untraditional legacy route. Woohoo, Propose Marriage, Have Private Wedding, and Pop Out Ugly Baby. Oh, if that last one were a command…

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Now, that’s romantic. ‘Hooing under the just setting sun. Don’t be discouraged by the fifty married sim men staring at the lot with their telescopes.

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Kevin: “Well, I hope I gave the Langrabbs a show…hehe.” Hon, focus here. Kevin: “Oh, right. Ahem. *sappy music* Even though I’ve only known you for three hours, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you spend it with me?” Twyla: “Is that ring made out of tinfoil? I don’t know…” *record scratch* Really nice tinfoil!

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Nevertheless, she accepts. Twyla: “Hehe…oh, creator! I brought my own little present for you!” Hmm? A gift? For moi?

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Twyla: “Hold on, let me hot-glue this ring on Kevin’s finger…” Kevin: “YEOW!! Is this a part of the tradition, sweetcakes?” She moves in as Kevin’s wife and I take a look at her traits—

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YOU GLITCHED UP LITTLE #@($(@)$). Twyla: “Hehe…did you like your present?” NO. She only has TWO TRAITS. That wouldn’t have annoyed me as much as the fact that she’s THREE DAYS FROM BECOMING AN ELDER. Twyla: “So? Is that a problem?” Get up and try for a baby, you stupid #(@)$(@)$(@)$(@)$#(@)#*@)_!_$#(@_)@(#$!!!!

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So…she’s pregnant now. I’m taking a chill pill and calming myself down. I read that it’s okay to use boolprop to fix glitches, so I did to fix her traits. She’s now Evil, Unlucky, Hot-Headed, Hopeless Romantic, and Ambitious. I kept her previous two and randomized the rest. She only has one favorite as well and that’s Waffles. From this moment on, I’m declaring her my nemesis.

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And she becomes my slave. She gets a job in the Military career and I’m ignoring her LTW of becoming Emperor of Evil. You will pop out babies, make money, and clean up after your husband. Got that? Twyla: “Put cha diamonds in the sky if you feel the vibe…” Twyla? TWYLA? LISTEN TO ME YOU STUPID, ALMOST-MENOPAUSAL B!#(%.

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I build a house for Kevin, and Kevin only. Twyla can live there, but she’s on her own. Twyla: “Yay…a crappy house I can burn for the insurance money.” Lalala…I can’t hear anything.

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So, they adjust to their life. Twyla is getting up for some reason. No, I told you to sleep. Twyla: “Oh, okay! You’ll just have to clean up my bile from the floor in the morning.” GRRR. Go then, you pregnant menace. Notice Kevin in dreamland with the Loch Ness monster.

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Twyla: “BLAAAARGH” Nice to see you’re having a good time in legacy living.

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Your headband doesn’t match your maternity gown. Twyla: “Neither does burned walls and fried grass. Get my drift?” Bite me.

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Twyla: “Uck…why am I listening to Kids music?” Uh, no reason. I just like it. Twyla: “Hmmm…shows me how mature you are.” -__- Shut up, granny-gonna-be.

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He’s promoted again. To Aqua Fishtank Technician. Ok, that’s not the real name, but do I really care? He gets a really groovy suit.

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Along with Gardening and Handiness skill, we are now required to get Fishing. So I take Kevin to the ocean behind the house. Kevin: “I feel like Bill Nye in this jacket.” Tough. I like it. :D

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Oh, my God…is it actually a house that doesn’t hurt my retinas every time I look at it? In the Sims 3, landscaping is free! Yay!! I can have a football field of grass with a tiny little shack! Kevin: “It’s pink.” No, it’s peach. It’s just dark. Kind of tan, actually. Kevin: “It’s PINK.” Oh, shut up and fish.

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Kevin: “Hey, ya little booger! When you come out, I’m going to love you and squeeze you and love you forever and ever!” Sheesh, Kevin. It’s not a teddy bear.

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Our garden is growing. Now that he has about six Gardening skills, we can sell a batch of veggies for about 100 simoleans a harvest. Twyla: “Maybe I can move my garden of, uh, ‘veggies’ there.” Not on your remarkably short life.

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Speaking of life, the baby’s coming! Kevin’s still asleep and couldn’t care less. You rock Kevin!

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Although, he eventually arrives to Be With Mother. Pfft. Couldn’t see why. Anyway, Twyla gives birth to twins, Argyle and Abstract. I’m going to name kids after art and pattern styles, because normal names are so overrated. Abstract’s in Kevin’s arms and Argyle’s in Twyla’s.

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Abstract looks kind of cute. Grr…but infants are always cute. Why are you looking at me like that Kevin? Kevin: “Twins…twins…twins…” Uh, Kevin? Poor guy, I think he’s shocked. Anyway, Abstract’s a Slob and Clumsy. He likes Latin, peanut butter and jelly, and green.

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Argyle, however…hehe. He’s got Twyla’s skin and jaw slant. I have high hopes for you, kid. Argyle: “Goo…*drool*” He’s a Loner and a Virtuso. He likes Pop, hot dogs, and Lilac.

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Twyla is a good mother, I will give her that. She dotes on the little poop bags. Kevin is bashfully ignorant of his wife’s Evillness. I am onto her though. Twyla: “Ha! A criminal never reveals her secrets…” Maybe behind a one-way mirror on an electric chair would change that.

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I don’t know why I include pictures of Young Adults becoming Adults. They look exactly the same. Kevin: “I don’t know…I’m feeling somewhat wiser and more accomplished…” No, that’s just your fatherly instinct talking. I’m sure you’ll come out as dopey as usual.

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Kevin: “Holy crap!” What? Stove fire, burglar, social bunny hoard closing in this side of Sunset Valley? Kevin: “No! I’m missing Grey’s Anatomy!” >< Yep. Dopey as ever.

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Twyla: “Who’s mommy’s little evil minion? Who is? You are!” Sometimes I have to continually tell her to put the kids down and let them sleep. Ok, mother bear. The young are safe, now go survey the rest of the cave.

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Mwhahahaha…time to get old and crusty now! Your job is done here. Twyla: “Hey! No, my beautiful face will melt!” Now, that’s a scary thought.

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Ahhh…I feel better now. Twyla: “You will pay.” Lalala…still can’t hear you.

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Kevin: “Aww!! I married an old granny!” Yeah sorry, Kevin. Would it really be too impolite to have a How Old Are You? social interaction?

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She now looks like an aged mom. In fact, she kind of looks like my mom. That’s creepy. Twyla: “I told you that you would pay.” By becoming an incarnation of my family members? If you really want to worry me, look like my dad.

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Wha-? It’s been three days already? Here’s Abstract! Who’s still kind of cute! Grr…he does have thin lips, though. He’s definitely Kevin’s boy.

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Oh, you are going places, little man. Slanted jaw, fish lips, and that too-high-to-be-a-button nose. Thank you, Argyle. This seems like a good place to end this, so I’ll bid you adieu. I’ll see you next time simmers! Here’s hoping a whole lotta ugly.