Haynes 5.0

Slide 1: 

5.0: Dan’s Demise The Fugly Saga Continues…

This might be routine. : 

This might be routine. Big number one finger to the exchange. I think you know which finger. This might be a usual sight in my productions, because I’m tired of this uploading error. Anyway, let’s get started!!! =D

Disclaimer: : 

Disclaimer: Viewing this is in fullscreen is not advised for the ugly you are about to experience. Always listen to Dr. Chelsea, kids! It’s good for your health. Now, give me my chocolate. No, you can’t have any.

Time For Pie? : 

Time For Pie? The Haynes Uglacy 5.0: TOO MANY #!@(#(@ CHAPTERS TO WRITE UP. Ahem. Hello, there. Welcome to the uglacy that twirls its mustache and speaks in cliché riddles robbed from several other legacy titles, the Haynes Uglacy! Where we last left off, the two kids, James and Gary had just grew up and conspired to make playing the family an mountainous pile of trouble. I just came back from a vacation, abandoning the family in their own cycle of narrative speech. I know, you love mine better than theirs, right? Well, even then, just pretend you do. Let’s join the fun!! -____-

No, time for pi!! : 

No, time for pi!! Here’s Gary…he’s the heir for this generation. I would put a poll up, but I’m always having vendettas against the spares. Maybe next time, I’ll have a poll. You have to factor in the amount of kids and what their good for. James and Gary have the same personalities (reference back to the fourth chapter) because of FIRST BORN EFFECT. I hate it. But I have to live with it. Nice gesture there, Gary. He rolled Pleasure. Great. Here’s praying for your re-roll.

3. 1415926535897… : 

3. 1415926535897… James: “What if Gary turns out to be gay? I can guarantee I’m not gay!!” Albeit, it’s not much of a shocker with your flamboyant grandfathers.

I think I’ll cut out this title… : 

I think I’ll cut out this title… Case in point. Nice suit.Taylor: “I'm a...a...thing that requires a fancy uniform. Whatever. I'm bleeding tired.” I think it’s called a bed. You know, the rectangular box with a pillow on it?

Bye, Title!! : 

Bye, Title!! Zoe still paints for her creativity skill. She wants to be a City Planner, but I'm not sure she's going to live so much longer. I might not send the kids to college until she kicks. I know, I know. I'm so sensitive. Zoe: “Well, you were heart-broken over Ven-” LALALALALA can't here you. Zoe: “Suppressing the memory doesn't make it better.” Oh, just paint your depressing house, already.

Slide 9: 

Kevin's still up and moving. He's a Senator, almost Mayor! He's almost Mayor! If I were a good sim player, he would've been Mayor a LOOOOONG time ago. I don't really use the aspiration rewards, so...yeah.

Slide 10: 

Quinten...dances.Yeah, that sums up his adulthood in a nutshell.

Slide 11: 

Taylor wants to become a World Class Ballet Dancer, which I'm not surprised by his...coattail and tophat. Where's your leotard?“Still in the bedroom, in my, uh, special box.”*blinks* Please...be subtle in your explanations.

Slide 12: 

James studies most his teenage lifespan away because I can't be bothered to tend to his Romancing ways. James: “Don Lothario has nothing on this...”Besides a face that doesn't look like an elephant’s rear?James: “...if you were wise, you would not mock me, DP. You still have to play my college years.”I'm bracing it every 24 minutes.

Slide 13: 

Well...I was going to keep them in the house until they died, but...it's already lagging up a storm. I'm not playing for points or collecting tombstones. So...I'm going to have to take a little rough choice of action...

Slide 14: 

Zoe: “Dear Journal, I have the slightest suspicion that Kevin and I will no longer be here anymore. Hopes to my baby, Taylor and his husband can take care of theirselves and especially the kids, even under her evil reign.”

Slide 15: 

Geez, Zoe. You're just moving out. Don't make it so dramatic.Yeah, I don't quite have the heart to kill them off myself, so I'm going to make it a tradition in the family to move out the elder sims when the kids grow up to teenager. I will play them occassionally and eventually, they will die. They won't have any cheats in their home lots and I'll try to get them their LTWs in time. Not sure if this is allowed in a legacy, but like I said, it's not a point-scoring uglacy!

Slide 16: 

So, here’s their home. While it may look kind of like a little bit of kaching, the inside’s pretty bare. Just a few skill objects thrown around, a fridge, and a bed. Anyway…can you guess what time it is on the home lot?

Slide 17: 

Yep. Time to do our ELEMENTARY SCHOOL HOMEWORK!! God, for a diabolical adolescent that threatens to take over the world and ruin my uglacy, you can’t have the common sense to finish your homework before you age? James: “Ridden with ice-cream cones and apples this homework may be, the teacher just loves my analysis of Latin and Greek etymology of words.” Right. It lay terms, you’re just a big-headed suck-up.

Slide 18: 

I bring you a picture of a lamp because I’m too lazy to take a picture of James calling the college. To La Fiesta Tech, we go!!

Slide 19: 

Okay, I lied. We’re at the Elder’s house. I have to get them to top of their promotions and dead before college time. Because I have OCD and live on schedules. Time for some blood, sweat, and red plumbobs!! *whipcrack*

Slide 20: 

Zoe gets to top of her’s. That wasn’t hard. She’s a city planner and only two days from death. Ultra-speed FTW!!

Slide 21: 

And Kevin reaches the top of the Politics. His LTW was Head of SCIA, but whatever. Kevin: “Why does Zoe to get to be perma-plat and not ME?? I was your FOUNDER, dammit!!” Too late now!! I just forgot to hunt for your wanted job!! Sue me!

Slide 22: 

This is oddly symbolic. *cue H.I.M’s Join Me in Death* Baby, join me in death…

Slide 23: 

This, however, is not. God, he was scheduled to die next, Grim. Grim: “I’m killing two crows with one stone!! …haha, get it? It’s a PUN!!” You’re here to make tombstones, not one-liners, Hula-Grim.

Slide 24: 

Though, this kind of broke my heart as well as the right hemisphere of Kevin’s brain. I’m not lying. This was her last though before she died. Baby, join me in death.

Slide 25: 

So long, Zoe Haynes, mother of two, lived to be 70 days old and perma-plat. You may have missed your kids’ wedding and the birth of your first grandson, but you will hold a place in my hole of a heart.

Slide 26: 

And Grim returns for Kevin with his lae still on and his scythe makes it firmly back into his medula oblongata. That’s one way to do it. Grim’s trying to make this job easier with cheap visual humor. LAME!! Grim: “Hey, I’m not writing the captions, lady.” -.- Stone-cold Hula Grimmy. Just take his damn soul.

Slide 27: 

Kevin: “I’m in the top red!!” Grim: “Doesn’t matter. The sand’s run out, you know like the intro to Days of Our Sims.”

Slide 28: 

Grim: “Hey, NO ONE touches the cool-sand-drippy-thingy!!”

Slide 29: 

Kevin Haynes founded this legacy and never ceased to amuse me with his...manly swagger (snicker). He fathered two kids and lived until he was 70 days old. He became Mayor of Strangetown and taught people a lesson: Don't judge a book by its cover, unless it has Fabio and a well-endowed woman on it. Then, you can put it right back under Kevin's pillow.Yes, I'm evil enough to make masculinity jokes after his death.

Slide 30: 

And they immortalized in this chapter forever, or until I fail miserably at this challenge and have to start a new one. James: “HALLOOOO, could you stop with the self-pity and pay attention to US, now?”

Slide 31: 

And so you get inheritance. Happy now? Gary: “Bubble blower!!” Taylor: “Telescope!!” James: “French hoo—” --hoopskirt? I can download you a hoopskirt.

Slide 32: 

Way to noogie there, Gary. James: “Get off!!! GET OFF OR DIE, YOU FISH-LIPPED FLOUNDER!!” Gary: “Whatcha going to ‘bout it, bro? I’m the heir and I can do whatever I please!!” Brings a new meaning to having your head. ZING!!

Slide 33: 

And Gary arrives in true fashion…

Slide 34: 

…in riding pants? Where’s your horse and polo field? James: “I wouldn’t mind a whisk.”

Slide 35: 

You and you’re uglinosity that’s farther uglier than your brother. …I hate you. James: “Thou art more lovely and more temperate.” Pompous—OH MY #*@($*@( FUDGE BARS Disclaimer: DiamondPlumbob Inc.(TM) is not liable for stroke, coronaries, or myocardial infarction prior to seeing the next slide. Protective eye-wear is advised.

Slide 36: 

Herum: “Uglinosity is not a word.” *blindfolds self* You make it one. Herum: “*rolls eyes* Contact Webster.” Contact 90210.

Slide 37: 

And this random townie— “Random townie? I’m Cara, Amanda’s fiancé’!” Oh. I didn’t recognize you with the makeover.

Slide 38: 

And this random townie— “Random townie? I’m Cara, Amanda’s fiancé’!” Oh. I didn’t recognize you with the makeover.

Slide 39: 

We move the brothers into the Cham Annya household. Gary immediately takes a like to the bubble-blower. How many slides before I delete it? Place your bets now!!

Slide 40: 

DING DING Tom: “We’re back for the Townie-Punching Showdown, right in the center of the Cham Annya Greek House bathroom! Quite a turn out, huh Dan?” Dan: “Right you are! That evil glare from the brunette staring at us through the fourth-wall tells us we ought to wrap up this pathetic dialogue!!” Tom: “Ugh, I need a new agent.”

Slide 41: 

Dan: “Why are we still talking in this slide? I thought our time was over.” Tom: “DP just doesn’t want to make some banned4lyfe teacher-and-student euphemism.” Dan: “Right. I guess we should, uh, talk to fill the space.” Tom: “Um, so how’s Jan?” Dan: “Doin’ fine, just recently got into the University Simyland…been get all 4.0’s!! I wonder how much time she’s devoted to study…been real happy.” Tom: “Um…right.” Dan: “Although…we haven’t…woohooed recently. I wonder why that is.” James: “You know, your friend’s really blind. Evidently, Dan’s wife found that my method is good for more than a calling contact.

Slide 42: 

(continued because I HAVE NO $(@$(@ SCROLLER EA/MAXIS) Dan: “Wha-what? My Janny-poo? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” ::forceful dramatic theme plays in background while Dan sinks solemnly to the ground::

Slide 43: 

Tom: “Yeah, boss. No. I’m kind of in the middle of consoling my friend. He can’t snap out it, he’s kind of wrapped up in the feedle position sucking his thumb!!” Dan: “No...Janny…not with the Professor…anything but that. I know Physics. I could learn anything and teach her what she needs to know!!” Tom: “Suck it up before I Taser you, you big softie.”

Slide 44: 

AHEM. I did not just see that. This is much more entertaining, even with the streaker. Cara: “I love bird-watching! It’s fantastic. In fact, right now, I just found a c—” ROOSTER. You found a ROOSTER, Cara. Cara: “*rolls eyes* I found a c—” ROOSTER. Rooster, rooster, rooster. Stop perving this up! Cara: “I found a CARDINAL!! Jesus, I can never get a word in edgewise with that peon voice circling my conversations.” *headsmash*

Slide 45: 

Where’d Tom and Dan go? This is their conversation niche. Tom: “Sorry, DP.” ...what’s that in your hand? Tom: “Uh…*hides Taser gun* what hand? I mean, what gun? I mean--uh…” -___-

Slide 46: 

Tom: “Oh, cow’s beaten by Roxanne here. She can has cheezburger.” <___< The voices I hire.

Slide 47: 

Tom: “So, Jan? Feeling up to a movie tomorrow night? Forget your sloth of a husband and that sleezy professor, I can you teach you physics, if you know what I mean. Gigity, gigity, goo!” ::Dan comes in:: Dan: “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cheating rings show over head*” Tom: “Oh, crap.”

Slide 48: 

Need a drug lift without the cash and illegality? Want to be in lighter-than aura? Live to annoy your creator to death by doing this instead of skilling? Then this is the product for you! The Bubble-Popper Delux 3000 comes with four electric fuses with a free tank of concocted bubble soap!! The green texture of the 14’’ pipe sends bubbles into the air, casting it around with a sweet…bubbly smell that can only be identified as good day!! So, come on and get your fix around the clock!! 40% more Banned4Lyfe material!! *really fast announcer voice* The Bubble-Popper Deluxe 3000 is not affiliated with the “We-Swear-It’s-Just-Juice” bar system. We are not liable for addiction, pulmonary edema, poisoning, tachycardia, whiplash, and the occasional hunger death. Not to be used while driving, operating machinary, or wooing your professor you perverted Neanderthal.

Slide 49: 

Hey, Toga-butt!! It’s time for a party!! *insert interesting pictures of the party and college…stuff, masking the fact that it was a Snoozer and left James with an orange plumbob. YAYYYYY*

Slide 50: 

Taylor: “Uh…should I ask why there’s a double bed on the front lawn of the Greek house?” Delia: “Well, I’d say something cheeky here, but the creator’s glaring at us again.”

Slide 51: 

Time for a spouse-hunt!! … To no success. This girl is too, dare I say it, pretty for this generation. We need a little intervention here, involving famous townies. Only hints I’ll give is that I wish Sims had a turn-on of flame-pants.

Slide 52: 

Guess where we are? Yes, a bad picture of Date Depot, where it is a cheap way to find an ugly spouse.

Slide 53: 

That was a bust. Everything I look at Herum, I’m slightly saddened. Could you make an uglier face? Of course you can. You’re a much better sim player than I am and know what you’re doing when writing your legacy chapters. Herum: “Why am I still wearing a leaf-crown?” It makes me laugh that could actually compare you to a Greek god. Hephaestus, maybe? Herum: “Why, thank you!” (Pssst…don’t tell him that Hephaestus was an ugly incestual son between Zeus and his sister, Hera. Isn’t history grand?)

Slide 54: 

Tom: “Why do we always have the perverted photos to captain over? … Tom? Man? Where’d you go? No. Tom. Man, I’m sorry. Please, I won’t do it again. We’re best buds—NO, THE SCISSORS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!!! AHHHH!!! CALL 911!!’! CALL NCIS!!! CALL THE POPE!! OH MY GOOOOD!!!”

Slide 55: 

Officer Komei-Clone: “*Forest Gump meets Rocky Bullwinkle voice* You’re under arrest for conspiracy and alleged violence to Tom Simmy. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say will account in the court of Maxis…” Dan: “She was mine first.”

Slide 56: 

Herum: “Yeah, uh, Gary has a phone call from a…he called himself Mr. Omnious Voice.” Gary: “Be there in a minute, I’m pouring acid in my eyes from watching James and Prof. Ashe…”

Slide 57: 

Gary: “Damn. *fumbles with phone finding receiver* Hello?” Mysterious Voice: “Other side, Mr. Haynes.” Gary: “Right. *turns phone around blindly* Hello?”

Slide 58: 

“Hello there, Mr. Haynes. I’ve received a a call from a fellow client.” Gary: “And this relates to me, how?” “Do the initials S.B. sound at all familiar to you?” Gary: “Um…should they?”

Slide 59: 

MV: “Alright, I have neither the nice points or the patience to listen to your thick-witted remarks that you evidently fetch out of your backside, so listen up, fool. You are to marry a woman named Sandy Bruty. “Jesus, but she’s such a fugly w-” “Listen up entitles to the receiver as shut your own massive lips and heed my instructions. You need to found a business and get the Head For Numbers perk. I will be close by in your neighborhood, and if you do not do your part, I can be sure to make your heirship cut dramatically short.” Gary: “But—but DP sucks at OFB!” “I’ll be sure to pass that along.” Gary: “Hey…are you even married? You’ve wouldn’t know anything about love!”

Slide 60: 

MV: “I don’t need a chain tying me down. I’m an active man, and I need to breeze through my job without roadblocks.” Gary: “Is that just a polite way to say that you hate women?” “No. I’ve never polite in my life. I do not hate women, I just don’t have TIME for them. They’re like dogs, if you know what I mean.” Gary: “Pompous, arrogant son of a—”

Slide 61: 

MV: “ENOUGH about my life, simpleton. You will get to level 4 an marry Ms. Bruty or you will be damned to spending the rest of your existence in the bowels of food service and the backside of entertainment.” Gary: “Uh, I’m not that smart…can you dumb that down for me?”

Slide 62: 

MV: “FOUND the business. MARRY the chick. PROCREATE and then your creator will take the reigns.” Gary: “But…Sandy’s kind of…not that ugly.” MV: “DP has other methods.”

Slide 63: 

MV: “Hope you like the color green. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” Gary: “*outraged and blind* WHO ARE YOU??” ::dead tone::

Slide 64: 

Gary: “Where’d the beloved Bubble Blower Deluxe 3000 go? I need to drown my sorrows!” Sorry, we had a falling out because people’s needs were draining because they WOULD’NT LEAVE THE #@(#*A@($( THING ALONE, so you’ll going to have to find another way of release.

Slide 65: 

I punish James for no apparent reason by a PLUMBOB TO THE HEART. James: “This cliché’s worse than the ‘diamond’ ring gag.” Shut up, you’re asleep.

Slide 66: 

Gary finds his release in chess…he’s been slowly maxing his skills. He has Eureka as a lifetime benefit. I said I wouldn’t use Lifetime Aspiration Benefits, but I tend to lie a lot in case you haven’t gather that already.

Slide 67: 

This is not the kind of release I meant. James: “That’s putting things G-rated. Maybe we can G-slide to the hot-tub so I can strum your G-string.” JAMES. James: “What? I’m talking about guitars.” STOP TALKING OR I WILL MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO.

Slide 68: 

JAMES. Did you ransack my photo album? James: “Did you like that little number? As you can see, it’s not that little—” I HOPE YOU DROWN IN THERE, YOU #*@($(@ WASTE OF PIXELS.

Slide 69: 

AAAAAAARGH. Cara: “Hope I’m not disrupting anything…” Butthole: “Not at all, honey. Not…at…all.” *plunges own plumbob into eye-socket*

Slide 70: 

Now I’m punishing James with T3RM P@P3R$ FTW!!! James: “The Philosophy of Woohoo? I could REALLY get into th—” NOOOOOOOOOOOO STOP TORTURING ME ROMANCE ASPIRATION

Slide 71: 

*sips virgin pina colada* Right. Let’s open the business. Buckwild Bar is OPEN!!

Slide 72: 

::tumbleweed blows past:: Yeah, um…college funds are tight so I can’t be wasting a whole lot of time and money. I guess the time would be momentarily supressed since the hours aren’t counted for students on owned community lots. I have no bar because I’m not a fan of Gary Meeting Himself and neighborhood glitched-up explosions.

Slide 73: 

Allyn Lament: “Who the hell wants to pay 3.50 to enter some dump with no wallpaper?” Why’d you buy the ticket, then?

Slide 74: 

Oh, to do that. Allyn: “WHAT’S WITH THE PLASTIC CUPS, YOU CHEAPSKATE???? I’M DEEPLY INSULTED!!” Uh…there’s no plastic cups besides the ones collectively with the keg.

Slide 75: 

Gary: “Still got some cash, though…HUMPH” Good for you. Make your cheesy business promotion speech.

Slide 76: 

Gary: “Hey, numbskulls! Gary Haynes, owner and proprietor of the Buckwild Bar is here to ask: Haven’t go the courage to face your wife after a nasty murder of a best friend? Just want to get away from it all with sedatives and plenty of ‘juice’? Just a plain old drunk that likes to skive off college classes and get hammered with your best buds? Then come on down to the Buckwild Bar, currently in management by yours truly.” Touching. Back to the Greek House, Biker Boy. (P.S.—He’s only got one business star rank and I suck at OFB. You want good business expertise, this isn’t the uglacy for you.)

Slide 77: 

James rerolls (FINALLY) to Popularity. James: “Give me friends or DIE.” Unless you magically appear out of thin air in my bedroom with your own machete and an army of NPCs, you aren’t getting any aspiration fodders for a LONG time.

Slide 78: 

Gary rerolls Knowledge with a LTW to max all his skills, weird since I’m already in the process of doing that. He’s already maxed three, working on body.

Slide 79: 

Well, it’s Carolyn’s time to go— “CARA.” Whatever. Spin and get out.

Slide 80: 

The cow strikes again. Cow: “FEEL THE FURY OF MY MOOOOOS!!!” Herum: “This is how cheezburgers are made, kids.”

Slide 81: 

Now, for a little magic trick. Now you see him…

Slide 82: 

…now you don’t. All you got to do is tap your mouse twice while saying the words, “Movis objectus onus.” David Copperfield, eat your heart out.

Slide 83: 

And we rejoin the business and Quinten here deciding if he wants to buy. Quinten: “Buy what? It’s a bar with a poker table and bubble hookah.” Awww…I have some champagne for sale!! You and Taylor have the house to yourself for another semester or two. *cries*

Slide 84: 

And it’s me!! Hi me!! Nice tan. SimMe: “My agent’s plan was a hoax.” Wh-what? SimMe: “Sandy Bruty’s not showing in the phone book, and you have the fourth rank. He totally Rick Roll’d you. You have to find someone else.”

Slide 85: 

::insert three hours of rocking back and forth in the feedle position sucking my thumb:: So, I guess that didn’t work. You probably knew it wouldn’t work in the first place. Shut up! I suck as this game. Anyway, I bring you pictures of…flower necklaces because I owe Amanda something.

Slide 86: 

Even though I say that she annoys me to death, I did promise her marital bonding with her beloved. Call her up. “Hey, suga. Think you could spare some time to come over for the rest of your life?”

Slide 87: 

Awww…isn’t it just beatiful? Amanda in her sweater-set and Cara in her riding pants… Cara: “Hehe…I wore these especially for our honeymoon.” TMI. We’re going back to the Greek house.

Slide 88: 

Gary: “Uh, I think something’s wrong.” NOOOOOOOOOOO YOU EVIL B@$T@RD IN THE RED SUIT YOU DID THIS

Slide 89: 

Oh, right. Sprinklers. Hehehe…he…*sigh* Anyway, he has all his skills and he’s perma-platinum before he has his degree.

Slide 90: 

You know what that means… *cue Celine Dion* Have you ever been in love? You could touch the moonlight… When your heart is shooting stars, You’re holding heaven in your arms…

Slide 91: 

Have you ever been in love? Have you ever walked on air, ever? Felt like you were dreamin’… When you never thought it could. But it feels really good…”

Slide 92: 

::record scratch:: Uh…nice beak. Laurena: “Ugh, I should’ve married, Kevin.”

Slide 93: 

Yes, Laurena was a hopeful for Gary’s grandfather, and now she’s going to be Gary’s, uh, love-monkey. Love-eagle? Love… Gary: “Toucan? Toucans are pretty.”

Slide 94: 

Awww…pink hearts.

Slide 95: 

Awww…minus negative signs. Wait, what? Laurena: “Who proposes on the first date?” Uh…crazy desperate legacy writers that wasted time looking for a stone-cold Bruty B!#(h?

Slide 96: 

Well, red heart and Dream Date. I hope she has her own telescope. *whistles*

Slide 97: 

Gary: “Graduation already?” Yep. Bring on the bubble blowers!!

Slide 98: 

And she accepts. Bring on the family life again!! *tear*

Slide 99: 

Amanda: “Yay, Herbal Essence, my favorite scent of bubbles!!” Laurena: “God, how’d you get these?” Gary: “Had to pay Red Suit a couple hundred simoleans, but it was a great deal…25% more in a bottle!!” Uh, guys? I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about your enablers in the open.

Slide 100: 

Time to grow up…

Slide 101: 

AHHHHHHH first riding pants, now the Goopy shorts!!! Go home, I’ll meet you there. Join us next time for marriage, baby-making, elders, and maybe some orifice probing…O.o Buh-bye!! Don’t suck back too many shampoo bottles.