Polyamory 101class

Polyamory 101Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.: 

Polyamory 101 Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

Definitions: 

Definitions Polygamy - More Than One Spouse Polygyny - More Than One Wife Polyandry - More Than One Husband Monogamy - One Spouse Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates Polyamory - Multiple Committed Loving Relationships

Polyamory’s Origins: 

Polyamory’s Origins Group Marriage (Constantine, 1973) Hot andamp; Cool Sex (Francoeur, 1974) Intimate Networks Utopian Swinging The Kerista Commune (polyfidelity) More University Human Awareness Institute (HAI) communication processes Oneida Community

The Oneida Community: 

The Oneida Community 19th c. 500-person group marriage founded by John Humphrey Noyes Coitus Reservatus Complex Marriage Banned Pair Bonding Ascending Fellowship Stirpiculture Breeding Program

The Kerista Commune: 

The Kerista Commune SF based intentional community 25 years (early 70s -- mid-90s) Compersion (invented the word) no jealousy (Pines andamp; Aronson, 1981) Polyfidelity starling brothers and sisters B-FICs -- Best Friend Identity Clusters

Poly Culture: 

Poly Culture Support Groups / Pot Lucks E - lists/groups Loving More Magazine Conferences Honesty Complete Honesty Safe Sex Very Safe Sex (viral and emotional)

Poly Players: 

Poly Players Science Fiction Aficionados Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s) Utopian Swingers Frustrated by Monogamy Independent Idealists Socially Challenged

Research Overview: 

Research Overview 58 males 82 females Peak Baby Boomers male median age -- 45 female median age -- 43

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Race and Education: 

Race and Education 94.3% White Highly Educated 98.3% of males and 100% of females had attended college 39.7% of males and 40.2% of females had graduate degrees

Poly Configurations: 

Poly Configurations Independent Single Open Couple Primary and Secondary Partners Multiple Primary Partners Triad -- V or Quad Intimate Network

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Table 3 – Relationship Types Open Monogamous 14.3% Polyamorous with a Primary Partner 34.1% Polyamorous with Multiple Primary Partners 13.2% Polyamorous with Primary and Secondary Partners 18.7% Polyfidelitous Triad 5.5% Polyfidelitous Network 1.1% Monogamous 2.2% Single and Dating 4.4% Other 6.6% Altogether 48.4% could easily be considered 'open couples'

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Poly residential patterns differ substantially from the 2000 U.S. Census

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Table 8 – Current Religious Affiliation Loving More Wolfe Pagan/Wicca 30% 29% Buddhism 9% 8% Christian 28% 12% None/Atheist 29% 15% Other 4% 19% *40% do not attend any religious services or rituals

Poly in Print: 

Poly in Print The Polyfidelity Primer (Nearing, 1992) Love Without Limits (Anapol, 1992, 1997) The Ethical Slut (Easton andamp; Liszt, 1997) Loving More Magazine (early 90s - present) Plural Loves (Anderlini-D’Onofrio, 2005) 40+ mainstream newspaper/magazine articles

Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory: 

Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory Compersion loving empathy for one’s partner being loved/engaged by others New Relationship Energy (NRE) Other Significant Other (OSO) Primary, Secondary, Tertiary maintain social family hierarchy Polyfidelity sexually faithful to one’s family

Poly Cultural Challenges: 

Poly Cultural Challenges Integrating romantic love and non-possessiveness in a Western context Letting go of Western culture’s celebration of 'the one.' Preventing new lovers from displacing long time partners Accepting differences between partners’ emotional and sexual styles.

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Safer Sex Practices: 

Safer Sex Practices Fluid Bond Agreements Over 80% use condoms Women (84%) much more concerned than men (55%) in discussing STD and birth control status with a new lover. Partner Approval 64.4% of swingers 58.4% of poly women 35.7% of poly men

Visiting Other Lovers: 

Visiting Other Lovers Agreements (written, unspoken, subject to renegotiation) Half report their partner spends 10 nights a year or less visiting other lovers Typical visiting patterns were between once a week and twice a month Only five respondents reported visiting patterns of two-three times a week.

Are There Favorites?: 

Are There Favorites? NRE is regarded as an explanation for why a new lover may feel like the favorite. 50% of women reported loving their partners equally. 62.5% of men reported they had a favorite lover.

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Regarding one’s partner as a favorite lover largely parallels feeling like one is one’s partner’s favorite lover.

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Compersion

Compersion Measures: 

Compersion Measures Watching a partner being sexual with someone else Being Watched by One’s Partner… Feelings about partner spending the night with other lovers What happens when partner returns… Impact of poly dating on home relationship Change relationship agreements?

Compersion Index: 

Compersion Index 11 point scale Median 9.12 Only 7.9% less then 7. Compersive thinking is largely the norm for the people who participated in my survey

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Statistically Significant Correlations: 

Statistically Significant Correlations Males more compersive than females greater number of partners per year--less attachment--sense of abundance Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally embrace poly ideology Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently more substantial inner life

Actualizing Compersion: 

Actualizing Compersion Developed Inner Life masturbation, spirituality, meditation Full Plate Life busy with work, family, lovers Extended Family of Choice Gullible believe in poly ideology High Serotonin Uptake Fears of Loss not actualized.

Polyamory as a Relationship Strategy : 

Polyamory as a Relationship Strategy Long term monogamous couples eventually differentiate Their NRE diminishes--they have less interest/need for sex with each other Polyamory addresses this sexual emotional vacancy with a NRE enhanced new lovers while maintaining the comfort and security of home and family

How Jealousy is Negotiated: 

How Jealousy is Negotiated New loves do not replace or displace in place partners. Belief that there is not just one 'one' Go for broke romantic love discouraged Celebration of 'starling relationships' Compersion embraced Full Plate Lives High serotonin levels

Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie?: 

Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie? Its very possible to be in lust with many partners Its possible to be in the attachment phase with multiple partners The attraction phase may be a mono-experience easily provokes high levels of jealousy