Relationships: Getting the Relationship You Want: Relationships: Getting the Relationship You Want Laura C. Flynn, Ph.D.
James D. Martin Employee Worklife Center The Larger Context: The Larger Context
What is love?
The 3 people in relationships
The dance Some Interesting Facts: Some Interesting Facts
Love and the Brain
The mildly insane and love
The High of Love Why We Fall in Love: Why We Fall in Love Imago Theory By Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.: Imago Theory By Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. Falling in love: joy, aliveness, wholeness
The projection drops away: anger, despair
Difficulty as part of the growth process The Process of Imago: The Process of Imago Vision of illusion falls away
Our partners are different from how we thought they were
Our old hurts are re-activated and it seems that our partner is at fault
A power struggle ensues
At this time, your partner is 'unqualified' to give you what you want The Process Continued: The Process Continued Free will in choosing our partners?
Our unconscious causes us to fall in love with those who remind us of our early caregivers
When infatuation wears off, we suddenly discover that our partner denies us those same things as our early caregivers
Imago andgt; an image of 'the person who will make me whole again'
Another Imago: Opposites attract
Imago in Action: Imago in Action What is Conscious Relationship
We work to give our partners what they need, not just what is easy to give
Example: connectedness and separateness a common imago pairing Why Conflict is Good: Why Conflict is Good Conflict is Deepening and Healing: Conflict is Deepening and Healing Working through the wound as a source of conflict
We have unconsciously chosen our partners to help us heal certain wounds
Identify the wound
The source of most conflict
Not feeling heard, respected, attended to
Stepping on the wound
Can’t I Choose Someone Else?: Can’t I Choose Someone Else? Opposites attract
Differences in DNA have been shown to predict faithfulness and fidelity in relationships
University of New Mexico: research on a set of genes that regulate the immune system
As similarities in these genes increased, women were more likely to be unfaithful
Working With Grievance: Working With Grievance The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse By John Gottman, Ph.D.: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse By John Gottman, Ph.D. Criticism
Attacking the person instead of stating how you feel about the troublesome behavior
High tension and lack of listening during discussions
Lack of respect and sarcasm in response to or about your partner
Emotional shutdown and unresponsiveness in response to attempts to communicate
Especially in areas of conflict Strategies for Conflict Management: Strategies for Conflict Management Use 'I' statements rather than 'You' statements
Avoid inflammatory language, derogatory names
Focus on 1 topic
Avoid past grievances, other issues
Time-outs: ask for them
5 positives to 1 negative
How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship By Pat Love, Ed.D. and Sunny Shulkin, Ph.D.: How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship By Pat Love, Ed.D. and Sunny Shulkin, Ph.D. Try to control everyone and everything
When your partner tries to please you, find fault
Win every fight
Find your partner’s weak spot and use it against him/her
'If you loved me, you would know what I want'
Blame your partner, never take responsibility
Start conversations when your partner is busy or exhausted
Focus on changing your partner
Active Listening: Active Listening Relationship Resources: Relationship Resources Hendrix, H. (1998). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples.
Welwood, J. (2005) Perfect love, imperfect relationships: Healing the wound of the heart.
Fisher, B. (2005) Rebuilding when your relationship ends.
Berzon, B. (2004). Permanent partners: Building gay and lesbian relationships that last.
Thanks for Attending Our Seminar!Please attend our Next Offering on:Basic Financial FitnessMarch 20, 2007: Thanks for Attending Our Seminar! Please attend our Next Offering on: Basic Financial Fitness March 20, 2007