Relationships Presentation

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Relationships: Getting the Relationship You Want: 

Relationships: Getting the Relationship You Want Laura C. Flynn, Ph.D. James D. Martin Employee Worklife Center

The Larger Context: 

The Larger Context What is love? The 3 people in relationships The dance

Some Interesting Facts: 

Some Interesting Facts Love and the Brain The mildly insane and love The High of Love

Why We Fall in Love: 

Why We Fall in Love

Imago Theory By Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.: 

Imago Theory By Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. Falling in love: joy, aliveness, wholeness The projection drops away: anger, despair Difficulty as part of the growth process

The Process of Imago: 

The Process of Imago Vision of illusion falls away Our partners are different from how we thought they were Our old hurts are re-activated and it seems that our partner is at fault A power struggle ensues At this time, your partner is 'unqualified' to give you what you want

The Process Continued: 

The Process Continued Free will in choosing our partners? Our unconscious causes us to fall in love with those who remind us of our early caregivers When infatuation wears off, we suddenly discover that our partner denies us those same things as our early caregivers Imago andgt; an image of 'the person who will make me whole again' Another Imago: Opposites attract

Imago in Action: 

Imago in Action What is Conscious Relationship We work to give our partners what they need, not just what is easy to give Example: connectedness and separateness a common imago pairing

Why Conflict is Good: 

Why Conflict is Good

Conflict is Deepening and Healing: 

Conflict is Deepening and Healing Working through the wound as a source of conflict We have unconsciously chosen our partners to help us heal certain wounds Identify the wound The source of most conflict Not feeling heard, respected, attended to Stepping on the wound

Can’t I Choose Someone Else?: 

Can’t I Choose Someone Else? Opposites attract Differences in DNA have been shown to predict faithfulness and fidelity in relationships University of New Mexico: research on a set of genes that regulate the immune system As similarities in these genes increased, women were more likely to be unfaithful

Working With Grievance: 

Working With Grievance

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse By John Gottman, Ph.D.: 

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse By John Gottman, Ph.D. Criticism Attacking the person instead of stating how you feel about the troublesome behavior Defensiveness High tension and lack of listening during discussions Contempt Lack of respect and sarcasm in response to or about your partner Stonewalling Emotional shutdown and unresponsiveness in response to attempts to communicate Especially in areas of conflict

Strategies for Conflict Management: 

Strategies for Conflict Management Use 'I' statements rather than 'You' statements Avoid inflammatory language, derogatory names No interruptions Focus on 1 topic Avoid past grievances, other issues Time-outs: ask for them 5 positives to 1 negative

How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship By Pat Love, Ed.D. and Sunny Shulkin, Ph.D.: 

How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship By Pat Love, Ed.D. and Sunny Shulkin, Ph.D. Try to control everyone and everything When your partner tries to please you, find fault Keep score Win every fight Find your partner’s weak spot and use it against him/her 'If you loved me, you would know what I want' Blame your partner, never take responsibility Start conversations when your partner is busy or exhausted Focus on changing your partner

Active Listening: 

Active Listening

Relationship Resources: 

Relationship Resources Hendrix, H. (1998). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. http://www.imagotherapy.com Welwood, J. (2005) Perfect love, imperfect relationships: Healing the wound of the heart. Fisher, B. (2005) Rebuilding when your relationship ends. Berzon, B. (2004). Permanent partners: Building gay and lesbian relationships that last.

Thanks for Attending Our Seminar!Please attend our Next Offering on:Basic Financial FitnessMarch 20, 2007: 

Thanks for Attending Our Seminar! Please attend our Next Offering on: Basic Financial Fitness March 20, 2007