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How Children Cope with
Emotionally Immature Parents
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Some parents consistently don’t engage with their children in an
emotionally attuned and mature way. They have trouble
regulating their own emotions and show little affection and
empathy to their children. The consequence is that their children
develop a variety of ways to cope with what is missing. Children
of emotionally immature parents typically feel an emotional
void and often feel insecure and lonely. When these children
become adults it is important for them to stop these using
childhood coping strategies and develop more healthy mature
emotional and relational habits in order to become content and
emotionally secure.
According to psychologist Lindsay Gibson the two important
ways children cope with emotionally immature parents is by
imagining ‘healing fantasies’ and creating a ‘role-self’. To learn
what is meant by ‘emotionally immature parents’ please see my
article Healing from Emotionally Immature Parents.
How A Healing Fantasy Helps a Child Cope but Hinders as an
Adult
A healing fantasy is a hopeful story that as children we tell
ourselves because we believe it will make us truly happy one
day. Children often think the cure for their unhappiness
loneliness and pain lies in changing themselves and those
around them into something other than they really are. They
imagine ‘If only….I was more attractive…. more athletic
smarter….more unselfish then my parents would be more
interested attentive and loving.’
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Some children cope with emotionally immature parents by
imagining that future wealth and fame will give them the
attention and love they are missing. While the healing fantasy
gives the child optimism to cope in childhood it can lead to
disappointment later in life. Because it comes from a child’s
mind it is highly idealistic and far from being realistic or
attainable.
As we grow into adults we hang on to these fantasies and may
secretly or unconsciously expect them to come true. For
example we think the people will change and care about us if
we just persevere in doing things we think will get their
approval that we didn’t get from our parents. Or we believe that
all our loneliness will be healed by our intimate partner who will
never let us down. Children who worked hard pleasing their
parent to try get love that never came often try to apply the
same strategy to feel loved and become happy with their spouse.
We rarely recognize on our own when we repeat the same
healing fantasy in adulthood. It often takes someone else to
point this out for us. Often couples therapy reveals these
fantasies and helps to address the way to find love and security
in life.
How a Role-Self Helps a Child Cope but Hinders as an Adult
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The other way many children cope with emotionally immature
parents is by developing a ‘role self’. Since the parent does not
see the ‘true and authentic self’ within the child a child often
plays a role to gain the attention approval and affection of the
parent. It is the only way to they can develop a relationship
connection. These roles may be co-created within the family
based on both child’s unconscious believes and the needs of the
emotionally immature parent. For example a child who believes
that their needy parent would be lonely without them takes on a
care-giving role. Rather than getting involved in extra circular
activities after school the child always stays home to keep them
company. Some examples of role-selves include pleaser conflict
mediator entertainer/clown or pacifier.
The main problem with developing a role-self is that by
subverting your authentic self you become invisible or
unknown. When you are not strongly centred in who you really
are then you will likely struggle with most relationships as
adult. It will be too easy for you to slip into your role and not be
yourself. This is especially true with your intimate relationship.
If your intimate partner has trouble knowing who you really are
then how can they truly love and accept you
Identify Your Healing Fantasy and Role-Self
In her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Lindsay Gibson suggests how you can discover how you coped
as a child and whether you still use these strategies in your adult
life.
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To help you identify your own healing fantasy she suggests you
take your time and write out your answers to the following:
I wish other people were more
____________________________
Why is it so hard for people to
_____________________________
For a change I would love someone to treat me like
_____________________________
Maybe one of these days I’ll find someone who will
_____________________________
In an ideal world with good people other people would
_____________________________
To help you identify your own role-self write out your answers
to the following:
I try hard to be ___________________
The main reason people like me is because I
________________
Other people don’t appreciate how much I
__________________
I always have to be the one who
______________________
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I’ve tried to be the kind of person who
_________________
After completing all ten of the sentences above use the words
and ideas from your responses to write two short descriptions:
one for your healing fantasy and the other for your role-self.
¥ Next write about what it has been like trying to get others to
change and how it has felt to play the role-self you described.
Do you still hold these fantasies and roles
Are you ready to explore and express your true
individuality
If you think you are still repeating old patterns and strategies
that helped you cope as a child and that are now as an adult
interfering in your relationship satisfaction with your friends and
intimate partner it may be time to address them. Couples
therapy or individual psychotherapy may help you. The more
self-aware we can be the greater contentment we will find.
Source :- http://www.newinsights.ca/couples/children-cope-emotionally-
immature-parents