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Are You Uncertain That Your
Partner is a Grown Up
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All human beings share the primitive instinct that familiarity
means safety and security according to John Bowlby the
pioneering psychiatrist of attachment theory. Therefore those
children who were raised in families with an emotionally
immature parent will often be attracted subconsciously to an
emotionally immature egocentric partner when they are older
and start dating. Many girls may be attracted to ‘bad boys’
because the nice guys who are considerate seem a little boring.
The same is true of guys who pursue the ‘wild girls’ because the
nice girls were just not that fun. The intense familiarity that feels
like strong chemistry may set them on a roller coaster
relationship that can eventually become emotionally or
physically abusive. When you ask someone in an abusive adult
relationship to recall their dating period they distinctly
remember an event when they realized how self-centred their
partner was. The instant chemistry they felt probably awakened
the familiar experience of the emotionally immature parent but
it was not true secure love.
In previous articles I have written about the challenges of being
raised by an emotionally immature parent. I explained how to
recognize whether this was your experience and what to do
about it in Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents .
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I wrote about the ways that children learn to cope with
emotionally immature parents and how these childhood coping
skills are ineffective and sometimes harmful when used in
adult relationships. See How Children Cope With Emotionally
Immature Parents .
Because adults raised by an emotionally immature parent are
especially vulnerable to becoming involved with an emotionally
immature partner it is important for them to be able to know the
characteristics emotional maturity. When we can distinguish the
difference we can make better choices of who we want to be
with. If we are already in a relationship with one we can learn
how deal with them better.
Knowing how to distinguish between emotionally immature and
mature adults is not just useful for those who were raised by an
emotionally immature parent. It can be helpful to all of us.
Every one of us have family members friends co-workers or a
boss who can be challenging to have a relationship with because
they are emotionally immature.
Characteristics of an Emotionally Mature Adult
According to Lindsay Gibson psychologist and author of Adult
Children of Emotionally Immature Parents the following are
characteristics of emotionally mature people. By using this as a
checklist you can determine whether the person you are with can
give you the kind of relationship you want.
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Realistic and Reliable
They work with reality rather than fighting it by adjusting
their expectations.
They can feel and think at the same time keeping each in
balance.
Their consistency makes them reliable across situations.
They are not easily offended don’t take everything
personally and can laugh at their own foibles.
Respectful and Reciprocal
They respect your boundaries and your individuality and
don’t intrude or control.
They give back because the fair and even reciprocity of
giving is normal in a relationship for them.
They are flexible and compromise well so each feel it is
fair.
They are even tempered and know how to calm down and
don’t feed their anger.
They are willing to be influenced because of their secure
sense of self.
They tell the truth.
They apologize and make amends which are heartfelt and
sincere.
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Responsive
Their empathy makes you feel safe.
They make you feel seen and understood.
They like to comfort and be comforted.
They reflect on their actions and try to change.
They can laugh and be playful.
They’re enjoyable to be around.
The more of these qualities a person has the more likely it is
that the two of you can forge a satisfying and genuine
connection.
So if we all want relationships that are safe and secure as John
Bowlby suggests then we need to demonstrate our own
emotional maturity as well as support the other to do the same.
When they can’t or won’t we need to find ways to protect
ourselves maintain a safe distance or end the relationship.
Sometimes professional help may be required to accomplish
this.
Source :- http://www.newinsights.ca/couples/uncertain-partner-grown